What first made you suspicious that your spouse was having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He went from wearing jeans and flannels for 20 years to wearing Fabletics and Vurori.

My calm, goofy husband essentially died and we lived with someone who looked just like him, but was mean, short tempered, and unreliable.

Started working late in the basement. Turns out that was video sex in his office. I felt so bad he was so overwhelmed with work that I would make snacks and cups of tea and leave them outside his office or slip loving, encouraging notes under his door, ugh.

Started drinking more. A drink after work hours to "take the edge off" (aka assuage the guilt) when we have never really even had alcohol in the house previously.

Withdrew almost completely from us, his family of origin, and his lifelong best friends (one who lives next door).

Snort. Normally people trying to dress to impress have better taste in clothing.

My guess is the AP wore those brands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He went from wearing jeans and flannels for 20 years to wearing Fabletics and Vurori.

My calm, goofy husband essentially died and we lived with someone who looked just like him, but was mean, short tempered, and unreliable.

Started working late in the basement. Turns out that was video sex in his office. I felt so bad he was so overwhelmed with work that I would make snacks and cups of tea and leave them outside his office or slip loving, encouraging notes under his door, ugh.

Started drinking more. A drink after work hours to "take the edge off" (aka assuage the guilt) when we have never really even had alcohol in the house previously.

Withdrew almost completely from us, his family of origin, and his lifelong best friends (one who lives next door).

Snort. Normally people trying to dress to impress have better taste in clothing.

My guess is the AP wore those brands.

DP. Yep exactly. They start dressing 20 years younger and like girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He went from wearing jeans and flannels for 20 years to wearing Fabletics and Vurori.

My calm, goofy husband essentially died and we lived with someone who looked just like him, but was mean, short tempered, and unreliable.

Started working late in the basement. Turns out that was video sex in his office. I felt so bad he was so overwhelmed with work that I would make snacks and cups of tea and leave them outside his office or slip loving, encouraging notes under his door, ugh.

Started drinking more. A drink after work hours to "take the edge off" (aka assuage the guilt) when we have never really even had alcohol in the house previously.

Withdrew almost completely from us, his family of origin, and his lifelong best friends (one who lives next door).

I’m going through the early stages of this now. What ended up happening? I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He cleaned his car.

+1

Meticulous about car. Drinking different wines from regions he previously disliked. Forever on his phone at odd hours “for work”. Always putting his phone face down and something on top of his iPad when he left the room. Weird work hours. Being sketchy about details. “Visiting his parents” more often. Having more executive visits at work so he’d have to work days off. Generally cranky and disengaged at home. Taking no pride in the house we had just moved into - it needed paint, etc. but he didn’t care. Not wanting friends to come over. Being mean and snappy and contemptuous towards me out of the blue. Taking pictures of things our DD had done (like painted his toes) that he never would have before, presumed to share with his AP.

So many things. He literally was a walking “AFFAIR!!” Neon sign.

Oh my goodness. How did you even cope with that. Knowing how my stbx portrays our kids to AP is a next level form of betrayal. It just feels really sick.

[Anonymous]

He wasn't able to have erections. I thought he just reached that time and needed Viagra. Instead he was just having regular sex with his AP often on the same days we would attempt to have sex together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and walking behind me or in front of me.
wouldn't hold hands anymore
setting me up to fail and being unappreciative
stopping eating what I made for dinner
he felt empty when I gave him a hug

That's ASD.

[Anonymous]

Letter in the mail from his cell phone carrier (which was also our home phone/internet carrier so I opened it) confirming his order to change to online billing only. So of course I looked online to see why and they were on the phone ALL DAY except oddly, for about an hour or so over lunch time each day. Hmmmmm

[Anonymous]

Reading these stories just makes me ill. The description of these men primping, buying new underwear, paying meticulous attention to personal hygiene, etc. This is what you do when you’re dating. How on earth can men with wives and families and homes live in that environment and still have the temerity to court a new woman? Like where is their humanity and ethics? This isn’t getting drunk at a bar on a business trip and messing up. This is getting ready for a date in your own home while your wife is in the next room, probably feeding your kids dinner. It’s chillingly sociopathic.

[Anonymous]

He came home from work and kissed me hello and his face smelled like..... you know what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading these stories just makes me ill. The description of these men primping, buying new underwear, paying meticulous attention to personal hygiene, etc. This is what you do when you’re dating. How on earth can men with wives and families and homes live in that environment and still have the temerity to court a new woman? Like where is their humanity and ethics? This isn’t getting drunk at a bar on a business trip and messing up. This is getting ready for a date in your own home while your wife is in the next room, probably feeding your kids dinner. It’s chillingly sociopathic.

Turns out my ex has traits that could be defined as sociopathic by a professional. I'm not a professional, however. It is chilling. There is no humanity and there are no ethics. Accepting this about them makes it easier to move forward as does working with a therapist to understand the part of you that was drawn to this kind of person in the beginning. I'm grateful every day that it's over. And grateful I have the opportunity to look at my part so I don't repeat that again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it was when he started ordering Espresso Martinis. I thought "Christ, what next, Cosmos?" They were so so out of character for him. And then there were a million other little signs and I was correct about the affair but the Espresso Martini really gave me pause. I've read that narcissists (which he likely is) often mirror the person they are fixated on. His AP is definitely an Espresso Martini girl.

Finding clothing in the trunk of his car and other places that didn’t belong to me. A winter coat, small sized women’s gloves….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading these stories just makes me ill. The description of these men primping, buying new underwear, paying meticulous attention to personal hygiene, etc. This is what you do when you’re dating. How on earth can men with wives and families and homes live in that environment and still have the temerity to court a new woman? Like where is their humanity and ethics? This isn’t getting drunk at a bar on a business trip and messing up. This is getting ready for a date in your own home while your wife is in the next room, probably feeding your kids dinner. It’s chillingly sociopathic.

So after the dating period is over, you are no longer paying attention to personal hygiene?
It's sad that buying new underwear, primping, paying attention to personal hygiene are signs of cheating for many on this board.
If you are living in relationships where these basic things were no longer normal, your relationship was already bad and doomed anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me it was when he started ordering Espresso Martinis. I thought "Christ, what next, Cosmos?" They were so so out of character for him. And then there were a million other little signs and I was correct about the affair but the Espresso Martini really gave me pause. I've read that narcissists (which he likely is) often mirror the person they are fixated on. His AP is definitely an Espresso Martini girl.

Finding clothing in the trunk of his car and other places that didn’t belong to me. A winter coat, small sized women’s gloves….

Come to think of it I found a pair of women's underwear in the laundry that were not mine and were not familiar to me as belonging to my teen dd. I didn't think too long and hard about that - could have belonged to one of dd's friends, but he left so many f%$#ing clues once I made a mental note about that ridiculous basic b%tch cocktail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading these stories just makes me ill. The description of these men primping, buying new underwear, paying meticulous attention to personal hygiene, etc. This is what you do when you’re dating. How on earth can men with wives and families and homes live in that environment and still have the temerity to court a new woman? Like where is their humanity and ethics? This isn’t getting drunk at a bar on a business trip and messing up. This is getting ready for a date in your own home while your wife is in the next room, probably feeding your kids dinner. It’s chillingly sociopathic.

For many of them, they ARE daring. New drinks, new underwear, clean car, clean life. And then they blame it all on the person barely holding it together at home. And the APs believe it. This is not unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me it was when he started ordering Espresso Martinis. I thought "Christ, what next, Cosmos?" They were so so out of character for him. And then there were a million other little signs and I was correct about the affair but the Espresso Martini really gave me pause. I've read that narcissists (which he likely is) often mirror the person they are fixated on. His AP is definitely an Espresso Martini girl.

Finding clothing in the trunk of his car and other places that didn’t belong to me. A winter coat, small sized women’s gloves….

Come to think of it I found a pair of women's underwear in the laundry that were not mine and were not familiar to me as belonging to my teen dd. I didn't think too long and hard about that - could have belonged to one of dd's friends, but he left so many f%$#ing clues once I made a mental note about that ridiculous basic b%tch cocktail.

I'm in a fairly new relationship (not cheating) with a woman who has ordered that before. Neither of us drinks very often mostly do to responsibilities and habit, and it was for an occasion. What's wrong with it?