Husband w/mental health issues, poor executive functioning

[Anonymous]

Prepare to act like a single mother whether or not you divorce. DH was diagnosed with ASD and depression and anxiety so i treat like like an illness, and he's on a lot of medication. It's helped.

[Anonymous]

Oh my goodness I see you. I finally left once kids were in college. I have done all the work to draft a fair divorce settlement with a lawyer and we sent it to his lawyer only to learn that he did not actually engage his lawyer bc he did not read the attachments etc etc cannot sign the engagement letter now, called me asking how to sign and send back to his lawyer, am I sure this is his lawyer, blah blah it goes on and on but once his lawyer is engaged it will no longer be my problem. In short - get out now bc it will take a while to be fully out. Very best of luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're setting yourself up for disappointment and him up for failure. You know he has poor executive functioning but keep expecting him to just suddenly step up and do tasks like put together favors? You really thought that would lighten your load versus create the trash heap?

You know he has for years avoided solving problems but you expect him to just start doing it now?

Does your therapist ever talk to you about setting boundaries and how you can only control yourself? If he's going to be how he's going to be, you have to decide what to do with that. Don't parcel out tasks and expect him to suddenly change out of nowhere this time. Lighten your own load other ways.

I agree with this. Even in good relationships, you can't give people tasks and expect them to do it exactly as you would. The more efficient solution is you wrap the gifts yourself if it's important to you or outsource it. You're definitely setting up your household for failure with your expectations.

[Anonymous]

Get his testosterone levels checked.

Encourage him to use AI to help make decisions. $20 a month on an OpenAI subscription has done wonders for me, and I am pretty nuts. Used properly, it can handle things like finances and schedules. It will take a little time to figure out how to incorporate, but it has changed my life.

Also, SSRIs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like a jerk and I have sincere sympathy for you, but your standards also sound pretty high. I don’t put bows on my gifts. I don’t hang banners and balloons for my kids’ birthdays. I don’t do elaborate goody bags. Maybe scale back on the non-essentials if you’re not enjoying them?

+1

Also, I’ve never met a man who can wrap a gift and make it look pretty. They try and it’s sad. But the kids don’t care, I promise. And I say this as a wrapping paper aficionado.

[Anonymous]

You need to divorce, sorry. It's not worth waiting. This situation is only going to get worse.

[Anonymous]

If he's not causing you extra money why divorce? Give him a man cave with a kitchen and ask him to stay down there most of the time and just act like a single parent with extra money than if you were a single parent. I don't see the issue. Hire someone once a month to clean up his stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another option is to do way less extra stuff. Some people can’t handle all that. I was exhausted reading your post. My husband and I don’t do most of that list. And our marriage is in solid shape and our kids have a 2 parent home.

The must do tasks are another issue and I can see why you’re frustrated. I would hire help if you can.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I laughed a little at the follow up post because we only give wrapped boxes or even bags, too. The birthday kid knows who it’s from and to and cares about what’s inside, not ribbons.

[Anonymous]

If you prefer to stay together for kids,money, loyalty or whatever reason important to you, for 1 year, let go of perfection and try to create a calm and low stress home environment for yourself, him and the kids. Cut down on kids structured activities to trim cost and logistical chaos. After that let him take the exam with a healthier mindset and increase income so you can hire help.

You need to relax as you sound genuinely overwhelmed with all that life has thrown at you. Take it easy. Even with him out of the picture, life issues are still going to be there with high need kids so taking divorce doesn't sound like an ideal solution.

I think you are really frustrated and he is really depressed due to his inability to clear his licensing exam. Put things in perspective, reset and start again.

Hugs to you for dealing with all that. It must be tough but you sound like someone who can manage it once you learn to breathe. Go on walks at least three times a week to get some sun and fresh air.

[Anonymous]

Lower your standards.

Have gifts wrapped at the store you buy them from or drop gifts and a gift bag.

[Anonymous]

Who wraps gifts? Just buy cheap bags from Dollar Store, Walmart or Ross.

Let kids enjoy making goody bags. Perfection not required.

[Anonymous]

NP. This will get worse. And OP, you may be on the hook financially for him in the future depending on the state if he loses his job and can’t get an another which seemed likely.

I also agree you are doing too much objectively but even assuming you cut back 20%, life with him seems intolerable.

You know the next step.