Working parent dealing w SAHM “envy”?

[Anonymous]

You all sound socially incapable or maybe rude. SAHMs are not shocked when other women work. Normal SAHMs would ask you if you’ve been working on anything interesting/challenging/traveling a lot for work recently/changed jobs etc. They know appropriate superficial, work-related questions to ask if your response indicates you want to talk about work for small talk. If they really go silent when you mention work, they sound utterly socially inept.

I think you sound inept and hostile for responding to something as anodyne as “how’s your day” by talking about work. Surely when someone at work in a meeting opens by saying “how’s the morning?” You don’t respond by saying “busy with work.” Why not grant the SAHMs the courtesy of a normal answer to that question.

[Anonymous]

They sound possibly rude or at least tone deaf and/or you could just be over sensitive.

I am a sahm and there is a mix of parents at the bus stop. Usually we talk about what is going on at school, neighborhood stuff, general weekend plans or upcoming trips etc. Just polite chit chat. That said, none of us are friends outside of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk about the weathe, sports or the govt melting down.

I also find it mindnumbing to listen to stories about their errands.

I remember our nanny calling in sick one day so I took my daughter to dance class. I was waiting for class to get out and ended up listening to the moms compare which HomeGoods had better stock and when each HomeGoods restocked so you could go look for the best stuff. I couldn't believe anyone had time for that. Totally mind numbing.

I’m a SAHM. I don’t like going to homegoods. I have friends, working and not working, who can go on and on about going to Costco or home goods or red tag sales at TJ maxx. I also know women who talk about their boring jobs and can’t seem to realize that no one cares about their job. Others talk about their dog or health problems or their parents’ health problems or their dog’s health problems. I have many many many friends who talk about food - dieting, cooking, new restaurants, allergies. I think the most annoying thing a person can do is talk about their kid’s allergies and diet. I don’t think you can judge a person on a 5 min conversation at the bus stop. I am probably equally annoyed at these women and I’m in their same non working lifestyle.

My friends are not divided into working and SAHM. Many of my working friends may have stayed home in the past. I am not currently working but I used to work and will work again.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with others who have said that you just happen to encounter a very specific type of SAHM- presumably they have a lot of money and/or family support and can outsource to get the amount of disposable time and income they have.

I'm a SAHM with a DH who is on 80% travel, and I don't talk about my life because it's boring and revolves mostly around parenting and chores. Most of the women I see during the week have equally boring lives and I only see them when we're dealing with board meetings or other volunteer work. You don't see us because we are driving in circles, sitting in a conference room going through a budget, or cooking dinner at 2 pm because we're the only parent who can do driving and childcare from 3 pm-bedtime.

I do cross paths with women whose lives you're describing, and they have partners with local jobs and limited travel, local grandparents and siblings that help with driving and childcare, and most importantly, a ton of money. So I think that you're envying the free time and reduced resonsibility that can be bought with money and family support, not specifically SAHM as a concept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with others who have said that you just happen to encounter a very specific type of SAHM- presumably they have a lot of money and/or family support and can outsource to get the amount of disposable time and income they have.

I'm a SAHM with a DH who is on 80% travel, and I don't talk about my life because it's boring and revolves mostly around parenting and chores. Most of the women I see during the week have equally boring lives and I only see them when we're dealing with board meetings or other volunteer work. You don't see us because we are driving in circles, sitting in a conference room going through a budget, or cooking dinner at 2 pm because we're the only parent who can do driving and childcare from 3 pm-bedtime.

I do cross paths with women whose lives you're describing, and they have partners with local jobs and limited travel, local grandparents and siblings that help with driving and childcare, and most importantly, a ton of money. So I think that you're envying the free time and reduced resonsibility that can be bought with money and family support, not specifically SAHM as a concept.

I’m a SAHM with no real budget. I can spend whatever I want. I mostly hang out with working moms. There are boring people who work and boring people who don’t work. I like to have a good time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all sound socially incapable or maybe rude. SAHMs are not shocked when other women work. Normal SAHMs would ask you if you’ve been working on anything interesting/challenging/traveling a lot for work recently/changed jobs etc. They know appropriate superficial, work-related questions to ask if your response indicates you want to talk about work for small talk. If they really go silent when you mention work, they sound utterly socially inept.

I think you sound inept and hostile for responding to something as anodyne as “how’s your day” by talking about work. Surely when someone at work in a meeting opens by saying “how’s the morning?” You don’t respond by saying “busy with work.” Why not grant the SAHMs the courtesy of a normal answer to that question.

I agree with this. I work full time and I don't really want to talk about work with other people. If someone asks how my week or day is I might say mention if I was busy with work but would then re-direct to ask more questions of the other person's day. OP try some back and forth instead of just talking about being busy at work. That is a boring non-conversation starter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all sound socially incapable or maybe rude. SAHMs are not shocked when other women work. Normal SAHMs would ask you if you’ve been working on anything interesting/challenging/traveling a lot for work recently/changed jobs etc. They know appropriate superficial, work-related questions to ask if your response indicates you want to talk about work for small talk. If they really go silent when you mention work, they sound utterly socially inept.

I think you sound inept and hostile for responding to something as anodyne as “how’s your day” by talking about work. Surely when someone at work in a meeting opens by saying “how’s the morning?” You don’t respond by saying “busy with work.” Why not grant the SAHMs the courtesy of a normal answer to that question.

I agree with this. I work full time and I don't really want to talk about work with other people. If someone asks how my week or day is I might say mention if I was busy with work but would then re-direct to ask more questions of the other person's day. OP try some back and forth instead of just talking about being busy at work. That is a boring non-conversation starter.

There is a mom whose family is new to our school and complained to a volunteer that she didn’t feel welcome and felt the other parents were unfriendly. This is the same mom who, on kindergarten visit/play date date during last year’s admissions, brushed off other people’s friendly chit chat in the classroom designated as the parent waiting area, said she was busy with work, put in earbuds and started typing on her laptop.

Op, I’m guessing you weren’t quite that obnoxious about it, but it is important to look at what energy you’re giving off if the energy or treatment people reciprocate is always negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk about the weathe, sports or the govt melting down.

I also find it mindnumbing to listen to stories about their errands.

I remember our nanny calling in sick one day so I took my daughter to dance class. I was waiting for class to get out and ended up listening to the moms compare which HomeGoods had better stock and when each HomeGoods restocked so you could go look for the best stuff. I couldn't believe anyone had time for that. Totally mind numbing.

Interesting. I have what is considered a “big job” or whatever but I totally want this intel.

OP could try to find common ground with the other moms. But maybe she doesn’t want to? Does it make her feel superior to dismiss their errands and chores? All of us still have errands and chores unless we are mega rich celebrities (in which case I guess a chore is to pick out the specs on your newest luxury car or something).

We all just need to get over ourselves and find common ground. And by the way, those moms OP is poo pooing often have the best intel on school, teachers, coaches, etc. They have value also cause, you know, they are humans.

They could probably be part of your village if you weren’t so snobby.

I’m not interested in Homegoods but I would love to discuss skin and hair care for very extended periods of time:) come on OP, volunteer something interesting and see what you get back! Oh I finished a great book, heard something funny etc etc. I work but I still have fun silly interests. Plus it’s really nice to hear what teachers people like and don’t like. Not everyone has to be a kindred spirit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all sound socially incapable or maybe rude. SAHMs are not shocked when other women work. Normal SAHMs would ask you if you’ve been working on anything interesting/challenging/traveling a lot for work recently/changed jobs etc. They know appropriate superficial, work-related questions to ask if your response indicates you want to talk about work for small talk. If they really go silent when you mention work, they sound utterly socially inept.

I think you sound inept and hostile for responding to something as anodyne as “how’s your day” by talking about work. Surely when someone at work in a meeting opens by saying “how’s the morning?” You don’t respond by saying “busy with work.” Why not grant the SAHMs the courtesy of a normal answer to that question.

Lol to this. My kid goes to a school where about 80-90% of the moms are SAHMs and literally none of them have ever asked me any of the above questions or any other questions about work. Literally never. And yes in work meetings if you ask someone how their day is going they will often/usually say “busy”

[Anonymous]

You are too dependent on them for your social life. Find your tribe.

[Anonymous]

SAHMs usually aren’t spending their days at the spa or shopping. I’ve worked full time and stayed home full time, and working full time was way easier. Mostly because while working my husband participated in maintaining our household and family and while not working, he said maintaining our household and family was entirely my responsibility.

[Anonymous]

I find many WOHMs who do not know how to be polite, welcoming, inclusive, engaging in a group setting to be utterly inept. How lacking are you in EQ that you can not connect to a group of women who are talking about mundane stuff for a few minutes?

I find many WOHMs lose this ability to be a people's person at home and even at work - in the guise of being efficient. They get tunnel vision. And that is one of the main reason that they are overlooked for promotions etc at work, because they cannot hobnob or adapt to people and social situations.

This is not a thing to be proud of. It shows their rigidity and inflexibility to change, adapt and learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all sound socially incapable or maybe rude. SAHMs are not shocked when other women work. Normal SAHMs would ask you if you’ve been working on anything interesting/challenging/traveling a lot for work recently/changed jobs etc. They know appropriate superficial, work-related questions to ask if your response indicates you want to talk about work for small talk. If they really go silent when you mention work, they sound utterly socially inept.

I think you sound inept and hostile for responding to something as anodyne as “how’s your day” by talking about work. Surely when someone at work in a meeting opens by saying “how’s the morning?” You don’t respond by saying “busy with work.” Why not grant the SAHMs the courtesy of a normal answer to that question.

Lol to this. My kid goes to a school where about 80-90% of the moms are SAHMs and literally none of them have ever asked me any of the above questions or any other questions about work. Literally never. And yes in work meetings if you ask someone how their day is going they will often/usually say “busy”

So you cannot discern the difference between a work meeting and a social informal gathering? You need a life coach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure envy is the right word, but here goes. I am in favor of every parent and family doing what works for them economically and logistically. I live in an affluent suburb and am quite fortunate to work from home about 30 hours/week, with flexibility to pick my young kids up from the bus stop after school every day. For our family, this setup works really well. I’m super busy with work during the school day, and am able to get the time with my kids after school.

The problem? While I know there are other working moms in my community, none or very few of them are on bus stop duty. Therefore, my socializing with the moms at the bus stop is dominated with conversations revolving around the shopping, lunches out, vacation planning, spa treatments that these ladies seem to fill their days with. When they ask how my day has been and I say “busy with work” it’s a conversation killer. It’s not that I don’t appreciate my setup, but it’s that these are my main socialization moments during the week outside family and work, and to put it mildly - I can’t relate!

What can I do to stop feeling… nit exactly envious… but maybe perturbed? after these interactions?

I call troll.

This is not the conversation the mommies are having -- this "spa treatments" and "shopping" stuff is fantasy dreamed up by either 1) someone who does not stay home with their kids and is filled with rage and jealousy over it because they are unhinged, or 2) someone trying to get everyone here riled up. Also, no convos are stopping because someone says "busy with work" -- plenty of bus stop mommies work part time and can relate. Yeah, I think this is made up.

Of course it's made up, although I might allow the possibility of some microcluster of people who like homegoods and spas which sounds weird as he'll. Neither of those things have been on my radar ever and if someone mentions a spa day, they are usually taking a break from working. This premise is B.S.

[Anonymous]

Those women at the bus stop must not be socially skilled if they can't keep the conversation going after you say, "Busy with work." I'd ask, "Oh, what kind of work do you do?" etc. It's not hard.