Concerned over DD sneaking food at relatives’ houses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses so far. DD is borderline overweight and our pediatrician has told us we need to help her make healthy choices 80% of the time. But it’s obviously a fine line between encouraging her to eat healthy and not letting her always choose horrible foods every single meal. I really don’t think we are controlling and we rarely tell her she can’t have something, but if she wants chicken fingers or a cheeseburger and had fries the day before we will tell her to choose a different side for example, like fruit or a vegetable. We have plenty of healthy food in our house but also desserts and typical snack foods, and we regularly allow treats and all kinds of food, including pizza, pasta, Mac and cheese, etc. I am only explaining all of this for full context.

What bothers me here is that she is not simply eating a “treat” without permission, it’s that she is consuming an abnormally large amount of something (ie 2 big cupcakes, 20 pieces of Halloween candy) and feels the need to hide it.

I think that you are subtly setting this up by, for example, forcing the “healthy choice” in your example. Part of the issue is that you are presenting her with indulgent options then making her take the less desirable one…but really the option of having a fried restaurant meal two days in a row shouldn’t be a regular occurrence. To the extent it is (on vacation or whatever), forcing salad over fries is pushing her to sneak. That is a choice for dieters, not one a kid should be set up to make. It’s too much.

[Anonymous]

I did this. In fact, I am 43 and my mom brought up a candy wrapper indiscretion of mine when I was 5 at Thanksgiving this year. It stems from her own disordered eating and yes, I have struggled with food my whole life. You sound overly controlling with carbs/sweets.

[Anonymous]

Is she even overweight? You said borderline .. .

You need to back off and agree she shouldn't be having fast food two days in a row period if your family is so gosh darn healthy

[Anonymous]

If you think she is bingeing, why is she stressed out and anxious and how can you help her?

Calling her out is not going to increase trust, not going to decrease stress, and will increase shame.

Staying with family is not always fun for kids. If she feels judged on weight she is going to hide any food that triggers policing and negativity by family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses so far. DD is borderline overweight and our pediatrician has told us we need to help her make healthy choices 80% of the time. But it’s obviously a fine line between encouraging her to eat healthy and not letting her always choose horrible foods every single meal. I really don’t think we are controlling and we rarely tell her she can’t have something, but if she wants chicken fingers or a cheeseburger and had fries the day before we will tell her to choose a different side for example, like fruit or a vegetable. We have plenty of healthy food in our house but also desserts and typical snack foods, and we regularly allow treats and all kinds of food, including pizza, pasta, Mac and cheese, etc. I am only explaining all of this for full context.

What bothers me here is that she is not simply eating a “treat” without permission, it’s that she is consuming an abnormally large amount of something (ie 2 big cupcakes, 20 pieces of Halloween candy) and feels the need to hide it.

This is disordered eating. You are treating this like a behavior or weight problem. If your pediatrician doesn’t recognize that this is the beginning of an eating disorder, you need a new pediatrician. Your family and your daughter need to be in therapy.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a mom with major food control issues and I started sneaking sweets earlier than this. My sister developed bulimia. I am not blaming you OP but I will say between the two options I think I got off easy.

I’m interested in the people who have gotten therapy for emotional/binge eating. I have in the past brought this up with therapists but it was never a focus I guess. I have been mildly overweight my entire life largely because I also exercise a lot but in my 40 during a period of stress I have felt a big increase in the desire to binge. How did you pursue therapy for this and did it work? Did you seek out some one who specializes in eating disorders?

[Anonymous]

Every time this question is posted, women who have been fat for decades and cannot communicate like adults warm up their wrists and type the same “mommy’s fault” post no matter what the OP writes.

The CBT is a good idea for OP’s daughter, who will likely be okay and has a parent who cares about her. She didn’t cause this and she will help even things out for a growing child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is 11 (in 5th grade) and there have been a few occasions over the past year and a half where she has snuck food at her grandparents or my siblings’ houses. While we try to encourage healthy eating my kids are definitely not deprived of anything and eat more treats than they should (ie they have dessert 4-5 days per week).

She just spent two nights at my parents’ house and my mom called me earlier to tell me she found two cupcake wrappers stuffed in a drawer and we are 99.9% sure it was DD who ate them. And that was on top of 2 days of non-stop treats at their house - pancakes for breakfast, going out for ice cream, etc.

Right after Halloween DD was at my brother’s house and they found a ton of candy wrappers in the bathroom trash wrapped in a paper towel, and again we think it was DD since the candy was hidden in the back of their pantry and the other kids are younger and would not have found it.

There have been a few other examples like this. I have confronted DD two of the times and she denied it was her repeatedly, so I don’t think it’s worth bringing up again but I am very concerned about the sneakiness.

Any thoughts on how to handle? How can I address it?

Yes. My thought is to stop obsessively monitoring her food consumption. You are going to infect her with your eating disorder if you have not already done so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time this question is posted, women who have been fat for decades and cannot communicate like adults warm up their wrists and type the same “mommy’s fault” post no matter what the OP writes.

The CBT is a good idea for OP’s daughter, who will likely be okay and has a parent who cares about her. She didn’t cause this and she will help even things out for a growing child.

CBT for … eating candy? wut?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are clearly in a family obsessed with looks and searching through the garbage???!!!
Two bit cupcakes? Oh, my two cupcakes! I can eat three and I am 54 and not overweight!
I can eat that much candy as well!
It does not sound like your child is obese, it sounds like your whole family is on her back and controlling about food.

[Anonymous]

When one of my teen daughters did this I went to the store and stockpiled cookies and chips. Put them in the pantry and told her she could have as many as she wanted. The key was to not get many different varieties. 'You like Oreos? Okay, here are six packs of them!' Despite maintaining a normal weight (115-125 lbs at 5'6) for most of my life, I eat huge quantities. How can I get angry at DD? She is just the greedy daughter of a greedy mother. Genes are no joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time this question is posted, women who have been fat for decades and cannot communicate like adults warm up their wrists and type the same “mommy’s fault” post no matter what the OP writes.

The CBT is a good idea for OP’s daughter, who will likely be okay and has a parent who cares about her. She didn’t cause this and she will help even things out for a growing child.

Agree. This threads always end up crazy. But it’s as simple as this. She is sneaking because she knows she shouldn’t be eating 20 pieces of candy or two cupcakes after she has already had dessert, or whatever. And she shouldn’t. And you would tell her no if she asked (for even more), which any good parent would do. Some kids just can’t do moderation with sweets. Many adults struggle with moderation too. Have a conversation with her about how sometimes eating too much of anything can be harmful to our health. She likely doesn’t understand this now. It’s taste good and she wants more and that is all she is thinking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When one of my teen daughters did this I went to the store and stockpiled cookies and chips. Put them in the pantry and told her she could have as many as she wanted. The key was to not get many different varieties. 'You like Oreos? Okay, here are six packs of them!' Despite maintaining a normal weight (115-125 lbs at 5'6) for most of my life, I eat huge quantities. How can I get angry at DD? She is just the greedy daughter of a greedy mother. Genes are no joke.

Would you do this if your daughter was binging on junk food and also overweight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time this question is posted, women who have been fat for decades and cannot communicate like adults warm up their wrists and type the same “mommy’s fault” post no matter what the OP writes.

The CBT is a good idea for OP’s daughter, who will likely be okay and has a parent who cares about her. She didn’t cause this and she will help even things out for a growing child.

Agree. This threads always end up crazy. But it’s as simple as this. She is sneaking because she knows she shouldn’t be eating 20 pieces of candy or two cupcakes after she has already had dessert, or whatever. And she shouldn’t. And you would tell her no if she asked (for even more), which any good parent would do. Some kids just can’t do moderation with sweets. Many adults struggle with moderation too. Have a conversation with her about how sometimes eating too much of anything can be harmful to our health. She likely doesn’t understand this now. It’s taste good and she wants more and that is all she is thinking about.

I mean, this can all be true AND it can be the result of OP being controlling about food and weight AND OP’s catastrophic thinking and actions will only lead to the opposite desired result.

the fact is, it’s weird to get this upset over 2-3 incidences of a child sneaking sweets. This issue is overly charged for OP, and this kind of shaming reaction is exactly what many obese people describe as one root cause of their disordered eating.

I think OP needs to take a beat and go find a nutritionist to talk to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When one of my teen daughters did this I went to the store and stockpiled cookies and chips. Put them in the pantry and told her she could have as many as she wanted. The key was to not get many different varieties. 'You like Oreos? Okay, here are six packs of them!' Despite maintaining a normal weight (115-125 lbs at 5'6) for most of my life, I eat huge quantities. How can I get angry at DD? She is just the greedy daughter of a greedy mother. Genes are no joke.

Would you do this if your daughter was binging on junk food and also overweight?

DP. the daughter is not overweight. All I can tell you is that in my (large) family the only siblings with life long weight issues is the one that was targeted for shaming by my dad.