Concerned over DD sneaking food at relatives’ houses

[Anonymous]

My DD is 11 (in 5th grade) and there have been a few occasions over the past year and a half where she has snuck food at her grandparents or my siblings’ houses. While we try to encourage healthy eating my kids are definitely not deprived of anything and eat more treats than they should (ie they have dessert 4-5 days per week).

She just spent two nights at my parents’ house and my mom called me earlier to tell me she found two cupcake wrappers stuffed in a drawer and we are 99.9% sure it was DD who ate them. And that was on top of 2 days of non-stop treats at their house - pancakes for breakfast, going out for ice cream, etc.

Right after Halloween DD was at my brother’s house and they found a ton of candy wrappers in the bathroom trash wrapped in a paper towel, and again we think it was DD since the candy was hidden in the back of their pantry and the other kids are younger and would not have found it.

There have been a few other examples like this. I have confronted DD two of the times and she denied it was her repeatedly, so I don’t think it’s worth bringing up again but I am very concerned about the sneakiness.

Any thoughts on how to handle? How can I address it?

[Anonymous]

Talk to your pediatrician

[Anonymous]

A friend's daughter did this. All I know is that her therapist said it was a control thing. It wasn't the food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend's daughter did this. All I know is that her therapist said it was a control thing. It wasn't the food.

Did it progress beyond that? I am worried it could turn into some kind of binge eating disorder if we keep pushing it so maybe we ignore. But of course I don’t want the behavior to continue since it’s not healthy. It could be happening at home too but I don’t really know.

[Anonymous]

The only friend of DD's who does this has a controlling mother. She tried to sneak food at my house, and DD told her she didn't have to sneak, just had to ask.

[Anonymous]

A couple red flags op that make me worry you are part of the problem. Pancakes for breakfast is literally what my kids have everyday (with fage yogurt and strawberries and yes, maple syrup) and my kids have dessert everyday as long as they eat a decent amount at dinner. How much did you ration her Halloween candy? it does it seem like you are pretty strict about food and I think you might have turned it into an unhealthy fixation. I would start by offering a sweet treat everyday at the end of dinner.

[Anonymous]

why is your brother going through the bathroom trash? What if there were tampons or pads wrapped up there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why is your brother going through the bathroom trash? What if there were tampons or pads wrapped up there?

He said he was dumping the bathroom trash into a bigger trash can and the paper towel opened up and like 20 wrappers fell out. Otherwise he wouldn’t have known. There could be even more times she did this but we never found the evidence.

[Anonymous]

This was me as a kid. I definitely had anxiety and it probably was a control thing (I wouldn't have been able to identify it as a control thing at that age). It did turn into a binge eating problem and eventually full blown bulimia for about 6 years following by not binging but purging or restricting for another 15. I still struggle with some disordered eating habits. My anxiety is under control now but when it flares, the desire to binge or purge or restrict also surface.

My parents were not at all controlling about food. My mom was very controlling, highly anxious and often yelled and overreacted to other situations though so that absolutely led to some of my anxiety and need for control.
I would reach out to the pediatrician first. It's hard because when my parents did confront me, I denied, lied, was difficult, etc. I was forced to go to a therapist and it didn't help at all for years and years. So i really don't have a good answer of how to go about it.

[Anonymous]

It’s a control thing. Pancakes are not a treat and describing them that way or keeping count of how many days your kids have dessert tells me you don’t have as laid back relationship with food as you think you do.

11 is an age where her body is changing and social stuff can get challenging. She needs more autonomy and control to make her own decisions- and you need to give her some grace with her changing body since many girls gain weight right before they get their period and have their last big growth spurt - that was age 11 for me, spring of 5th and summer before 6th.

Find a way to be there for her emotionally while giving her more freedom and dropping control of food. Tread lightly, this is also an common age when eating disorders start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is 11 (in 5th grade) and there have been a few occasions over the past year and a half where she has snuck food at her grandparents or my siblings’ houses. While we try to encourage healthy eating my kids are definitely not deprived of anything and eat more treats than they should (ie they have dessert 4-5 days per week).

She just spent two nights at my parents’ house and my mom called me earlier to tell me she found two cupcake wrappers stuffed in a drawer and we are 99.9% sure it was DD who ate them. And that was on top of 2 days of non-stop treats at their house - pancakes for breakfast, going out for ice cream, etc.

Right after Halloween DD was at my brother’s house and they found a ton of candy wrappers in the bathroom trash wrapped in a paper towel, and again we think it was DD since the candy was hidden in the back of their pantry and the other kids are younger and would not have found it.

There have been a few other examples like this. I have confronted DD two of the times and she denied it was her repeatedly, so I don’t think it’s worth bringing up again but I am very concerned about the sneakiness.

Any thoughts on how to handle? How can I address it?

It’s you.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you’ve been pretty rigid around food in your household. This is not an issue of “sneakiness,” This is unhealthy food and control issues. Definitely ask your pediatrician for a referral for family therapy and individual therapy. The good news is that you’re catching this now, and you can make the changes you need to make for your family.

[Anonymous]

Is she a heathy weight/BMI?

I don’t think you are causing it or rigid- I think you were just trying to accurately explain what her diet looks like, yes? Some kids are just prone to doing this. They can’t help it. If she doesn’t have a weight problem, I’d buy fewer things she is likely to feel compelled to binge on and just let her be, as with maturity this may stop on its own. If there is a weight problem developing, I’d talk to the pediatrician and possibly get a nutritionist or therapist involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she a heathy weight/BMI?

I don’t think you are causing it or rigid- I think you were just trying to accurately explain what her diet looks like, yes? Some kids are just prone to doing this. They can’t help it. If she doesn’t have a weight problem, I’d buy fewer things she is likely to feel compelled to binge on and just let her be, as with maturity this may stop on its own. If there is a weight problem developing, I’d talk to the pediatrician and possibly get a nutritionist or therapist involved.

Adding: you may want to explore adhd as well. That can cause some eating compulsions especially around carbs/sugars since those provide that dopamine release they crave

[Anonymous]

I snuck food. Each of my parents were very controlling in different ways from each other, and both would have told you they weren't particularly controlling at all. They'd have pointed to my sibling who didn't feel the need to sneak food.

I inherited a sweet tooth, which the sibling didn't. And I have an addictive personality and overeat as an adult.