Dropping the rope with MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's time to become "too busy" for the family chat. Dropping the rope seems like a good idea. If they are going to be negative in response to you sending photos, their son can be the one to send them -- or not.

My MIL attacks me routinely yet claims she loves me and has me in her will. In person, I ignore it. It's not hard since she doesn't stop talking and none of us is sure she cares if people are listening. She's been driving everyone crazy for years (not just me) but she attacks me the most.

Congrats on your baby! Take good care of yourself, and ignore the blathering grandparents. My guess is you have a passive FIL with a self-centered, always talking, always-has-an-opinion MIL.

Yes! FIL is passive and kind of goofy just wants to spend time with the kids. He was actually so nice during the visit. Always asked if he could hold DD and wasn't pushy and would just be silly trying to get her to smile. MIL tried once to remove her from my arms without asking or warning and I had to say please stop. And whenever she was holding DD she would say weird crap like you're my baby girl, grandma loves you the most, you're my special girl..it made me so uncomfortable..

Ugh same MIL says family is everything but I know she hates me .not one single photo of me in their home. Married for 10 years together for 13.

This is normal

No, it’s not. The grandmother is trying to displace the mother. Why else would the grandmother say she loves the baby more than the woman who carried her and birthed her?

She didn’t say any of that though this crazy mom might interpret it that way though.

How else do you interpret “grandma loves you the most”?

[Anonymous]

PP 20:05.
Here’s some light reading for you on grey rocking!

To “grey rock” a person involves making all interactions with them as uninteresting and unrewarding as possible. In general, this means giving short, straightforward answers to questions and hiding emotional reactions to the things a person says or does.


The idea behind grey rocking is that it will, in theory, cut off a person’s “narcissistic supply” and cause them to lose interest in their target.

And

The slightest form of disagreement or even stating an opinion on your part can set your parent off. It may even lead to an outburst.

So try your best not to outwardly disagree with anything they say. Go along with what they say or simply nod.

Remind yourself that they thrive off of drama. So every point you attempt to make to them that counters their beliefs is giving them ammo.

You may be tempted to defend yourself or argue with whatever ridiculous or abusive statement they’re making, but don’t give in. Remind yourself that they want you to cave. Don’t give them the satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's time to become "too busy" for the family chat. Dropping the rope seems like a good idea. If they are going to be negative in response to you sending photos, their son can be the one to send them -- or not.

My MIL attacks me routinely yet claims she loves me and has me in her will. In person, I ignore it. It's not hard since she doesn't stop talking and none of us is sure she cares if people are listening. She's been driving everyone crazy for years (not just me) but she attacks me the most.

Congrats on your baby! Take good care of yourself, and ignore the blathering grandparents. My guess is you have a passive FIL with a self-centered, always talking, always-has-an-opinion MIL.

Yes! FIL is passive and kind of goofy just wants to spend time with the kids. He was actually so nice during the visit. Always asked if he could hold DD and wasn't pushy and would just be silly trying to get her to smile. MIL tried once to remove her from my arms without asking or warning and I had to say please stop. And whenever she was holding DD she would say weird crap like you're my baby girl, grandma loves you the most, you're my special girl..it made me so uncomfortable..

Ugh same MIL says family is everything but I know she hates me .not one single photo of me in their home. Married for 10 years together for 13.

This is normal

No, it’s not. The grandmother is trying to displace the mother. Why else would the grandmother say she loves the baby more than the woman who carried her and birthed her?

She didn’t say any of that though this crazy mom might interpret it that way though.

How else do you interpret “grandma loves you the most”?

Grandma loves you more than she loves anyone else. You’re grandma’s favorite person.

[Anonymous]

No photos, calls, texts, posts or messages from you to her. Any and all contact goes through DH.

Oh what’s that? He may remember to send a picture once a month? Oh well, MIL. You made your bed…

[Anonymous]

None of this is worth getting upset over. You’re really going to ruin the relationship between grandmother and granddaughter AND the relationship with your husband if you keep this nonsense going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of this is worth getting upset over. You’re really going to ruin the relationship between grandmother and granddaughter AND the relationship with your husband if you keep this nonsense going.

^ kindly shut up and go away, troll

I’m DW PP and it took a while, but my MIL now has a fractured relationship with my DD precisely because MIL is an equal opportunity critic and has said one too many nasty things to my DD. I should have added: my adult DD has gray rocked her grandmother.

DH has never stood up to his mother but also never interfered with our relationships with her (he fully realizes she’s problematic) and perhaps has realized all of this too late and with regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of this is worth getting upset over. You’re really going to ruin the relationship between grandmother and granddaughter AND the relationship with your husband if you keep this nonsense going.

How would OP ruin the relationship between the MIL and her son? Is OP responsible for managing their relationship?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like PP, you might want to schedule a psych consult before it gets worse.

[Anonymous]

I think this sounds like a situation where there is a fairly reasonable happy ground between never communicating with the woman again or being a doormat.

First, stop engaging in the family chat and being the sender of all the pics. Let your husband chime in and you can just mute the chat. Let your husband know that he should relay anything important to you because you are not reading the chat these days.

Second, tell your husband to stop relaying any of his mom’s criticisms to you. Remind him that it isn’t helpful or kind for him to pass this along. If he is sad not to have someone to vent to about his mom, then he needs to get a therapist who might help him see how to set better boundaries himself.

Let go of being annoyed by a grandma that wants to gush to their grandkids. Telling a baby “I love you the most” isn’t actually harming anyone. You can pivot to a stronger view on this if you need to in a few years. But this really, really doesn’t matter when they are super young.

In general, one of the best things I ever did was simply not own the relationship with my in-laws. My husband navigates with them and makes sure we see them plenty. I’m happy to host as far as cooking, but I’m not engaging in the family chat and “who is coming and what and when” nonsense. He buys their gifts, calls them, etc. He is great at it.

In fact, my MIL stayed with us on Xmas eve and is back staying with us for two nights starting tonight. I had nothing to do with coordinating it. I just smile and welcome her in and we talk about shows we watch on PBS.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your issues with your MIL pre-date your baby and now that tension is heightened by the birth of your DD. Your MIL sounds annoying, to be sure, but she is not trying to replace you by cooing at your newborn. Use the same logic you placed on her complaint about the phonics song. She’s a newborn. She’s not being imprinted on by a 3 day visit with your MIL who is cooing phrases of endearment. It’s normal to feel momma bearish post birth, but try not to let it twist your thinking.

As for the constant “advice” that’s dreadful and so irritating. As a pp mentioned, ask your DH to please stop giving you the rundown and maybe even figure out how to tell his mother that her steady feedback isn’t appreciated. My dad always made comments about us swaddling and I probably cried over it because of postpartum hormones (I yelled at my MIL for wanting to take a picture of me with my DH and baby - not my proudest moment). But I’m sure you’re doing a great job, just different from how they did it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this sounds like a situation where there is a fairly reasonable happy ground between never communicating with the woman again or being a doormat.

First, stop engaging in the family chat and being the sender of all the pics. Let your husband chime in and you can just mute the chat. Let your husband know that he should relay anything important to you because you are not reading the chat these days.

Second, tell your husband to stop relaying any of his mom’s criticisms to you. Remind him that it isn’t helpful or kind for him to pass this along. If he is sad not to have someone to vent to about his mom, then he needs to get a therapist who might help him see how to set better boundaries himself.

Let go of being annoyed by a grandma that wants to gush to their grandkids. Telling a baby “I love you the most” isn’t actually harming anyone. You can pivot to a stronger view on this if you need to in a few years. But this really, really doesn’t matter when they are super young.

In general, one of the best things I ever did was simply not own the relationship with my in-laws. My husband navigates with them and makes sure we see them plenty. I’m happy to host as far as cooking, but I’m not engaging in the family chat and “who is coming and what and when” nonsense. He buys their gifts, calls them, etc. He is great at it.

In fact, my MIL stayed with us on Xmas eve and is back staying with us for two nights starting tonight. I had nothing to do with coordinating it. I just smile and welcome her in and we talk about shows we watch on PBS.

I agree with all of this. Find a middle ground and let DH own this relationship. This is a manageable problem.

[Anonymous]

Drop the rope, enjoy your child don't waste time on MIL. Have DH deal with her. Your life will be so much better. I dropped the rope a long time ago it's been AMAZING!!!! Also bonus DH doesn't have much time for her.

[Anonymous]

MIL and the family chat are now a DH problem. You have a beautiful baby and no time for this.

If/when someone asks you why you stopped sending photos, say every time you sent a photo it seemed to upset/bother/worry her.

About ten weeks after this treatment my MIL saw the light, apologized, and now gets a few pity pictures from me. My husband cannot be bothered 99% of the time and I bet yours can’t either.

[Anonymous]

It is 100% ok to disengage. It doesn’t mean stop speaking to her. But stop fueling her.

I had to grey rock my MIL for awhile for similar comments. I still am cagey about what I tell her. The thing is, she’s barely noticed I don’t tell her things. She STILL offers an opinion on the few things she does know about.

I did have to get my DH on board about not sharing more information about things she didn’t need to know. So I’d never discuss sleeping rules with your MIL unless it’s required. She doesn’t need to know how your baby is sleeping etc.

[Anonymous]

Advice from a mother of teens. You need to relax. I get your points but your post reeks of your own insecurity as a mother. Just nod and shake your head when MIL opines and go about your business. Rinse and repeat.