Dropping the rope with MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of this is worth getting upset over. You’re really going to ruin the relationship between grandmother and granddaughter AND the relationship with your husband if you keep this nonsense going.

^ kindly shut up and go away, troll

I’m DW PP and it took a while, but my MIL now has a fractured relationship with my DD precisely because MIL is an equal opportunity critic and has said one too many nasty things to my DD. I should have added: my adult DD has gray rocked her grandmother.

DH has never stood up to his mother but also never interfered with our relationships with her (he fully realizes she’s problematic) and perhaps has realized all of this too late and with regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of this is worth getting upset over. You’re really going to ruin the relationship between grandmother and granddaughter AND the relationship with your husband if you keep this nonsense going.

How would OP ruin the relationship between the MIL and her son? Is OP responsible for managing their relationship?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like PP, you might want to schedule a psych consult before it gets worse.

[Anonymous]

I think this sounds like a situation where there is a fairly reasonable happy ground between never communicating with the woman again or being a doormat.

First, stop engaging in the family chat and being the sender of all the pics. Let your husband chime in and you can just mute the chat. Let your husband know that he should relay anything important to you because you are not reading the chat these days.

Second, tell your husband to stop relaying any of his mom’s criticisms to you. Remind him that it isn’t helpful or kind for him to pass this along. If he is sad not to have someone to vent to about his mom, then he needs to get a therapist who might help him see how to set better boundaries himself.

Let go of being annoyed by a grandma that wants to gush to their grandkids. Telling a baby “I love you the most” isn’t actually harming anyone. You can pivot to a stronger view on this if you need to in a few years. But this really, really doesn’t matter when they are super young.

In general, one of the best things I ever did was simply not own the relationship with my in-laws. My husband navigates with them and makes sure we see them plenty. I’m happy to host as far as cooking, but I’m not engaging in the family chat and “who is coming and what and when” nonsense. He buys their gifts, calls them, etc. He is great at it.

In fact, my MIL stayed with us on Xmas eve and is back staying with us for two nights starting tonight. I had nothing to do with coordinating it. I just smile and welcome her in and we talk about shows we watch on PBS.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your issues with your MIL pre-date your baby and now that tension is heightened by the birth of your DD. Your MIL sounds annoying, to be sure, but she is not trying to replace you by cooing at your newborn. Use the same logic you placed on her complaint about the phonics song. She’s a newborn. She’s not being imprinted on by a 3 day visit with your MIL who is cooing phrases of endearment. It’s normal to feel momma bearish post birth, but try not to let it twist your thinking.

As for the constant “advice” that’s dreadful and so irritating. As a pp mentioned, ask your DH to please stop giving you the rundown and maybe even figure out how to tell his mother that her steady feedback isn’t appreciated. My dad always made comments about us swaddling and I probably cried over it because of postpartum hormones (I yelled at my MIL for wanting to take a picture of me with my DH and baby - not my proudest moment). But I’m sure you’re doing a great job, just different from how they did it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this sounds like a situation where there is a fairly reasonable happy ground between never communicating with the woman again or being a doormat.

First, stop engaging in the family chat and being the sender of all the pics. Let your husband chime in and you can just mute the chat. Let your husband know that he should relay anything important to you because you are not reading the chat these days.

Second, tell your husband to stop relaying any of his mom’s criticisms to you. Remind him that it isn’t helpful or kind for him to pass this along. If he is sad not to have someone to vent to about his mom, then he needs to get a therapist who might help him see how to set better boundaries himself.

Let go of being annoyed by a grandma that wants to gush to their grandkids. Telling a baby “I love you the most” isn’t actually harming anyone. You can pivot to a stronger view on this if you need to in a few years. But this really, really doesn’t matter when they are super young.

In general, one of the best things I ever did was simply not own the relationship with my in-laws. My husband navigates with them and makes sure we see them plenty. I’m happy to host as far as cooking, but I’m not engaging in the family chat and “who is coming and what and when” nonsense. He buys their gifts, calls them, etc. He is great at it.

In fact, my MIL stayed with us on Xmas eve and is back staying with us for two nights starting tonight. I had nothing to do with coordinating it. I just smile and welcome her in and we talk about shows we watch on PBS.

I agree with all of this. Find a middle ground and let DH own this relationship. This is a manageable problem.

[Anonymous]

Drop the rope, enjoy your child don't waste time on MIL. Have DH deal with her. Your life will be so much better. I dropped the rope a long time ago it's been AMAZING!!!! Also bonus DH doesn't have much time for her.

[Anonymous]

MIL and the family chat are now a DH problem. You have a beautiful baby and no time for this.

If/when someone asks you why you stopped sending photos, say every time you sent a photo it seemed to upset/bother/worry her.

About ten weeks after this treatment my MIL saw the light, apologized, and now gets a few pity pictures from me. My husband cannot be bothered 99% of the time and I bet yours can’t either.

[Anonymous]

It is 100% ok to disengage. It doesn’t mean stop speaking to her. But stop fueling her.

I had to grey rock my MIL for awhile for similar comments. I still am cagey about what I tell her. The thing is, she’s barely noticed I don’t tell her things. She STILL offers an opinion on the few things she does know about.

I did have to get my DH on board about not sharing more information about things she didn’t need to know. So I’d never discuss sleeping rules with your MIL unless it’s required. She doesn’t need to know how your baby is sleeping etc.

[Anonymous]

Advice from a mother of teens. You need to relax. I get your points but your post reeks of your own insecurity as a mother. Just nod and shake your head when MIL opines and go about your business. Rinse and repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice from a mother of teens. You need to relax. I get your points but your post reeks of your own insecurity as a mother. Just nod and shake your head when MIL opines and go about your business. Rinse and repeat.

NP. I was a very insecure new mother, partly because it took me years to get pregnant. It’s such a huge life change and I was intimidated by my MIL who seemed to have it all figured out and wasn’t shy about sharing her wisdom to my newbie, incompetent self. How did you make a relaxed transition to motherhood without “reeking of insecurity”? Maybe you’re a better mother than I am. I got there, but it took time and experience, which a new mother, by definition, doesn’t have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice from a mother of teens. You need to relax. I get your points but your post reeks of your own insecurity as a mother. Just nod and shake your head when MIL opines and go about your business. Rinse and repeat.

I was a very secure new mother (having been involved in raising my nephew from birth) and this would still be annoying and inappropriate from MIL.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL has been clear with you..
Stop engaging
Let your husband share updates, pictures and respond to the group chats.

[Anonymous]

PP and I can now see my MIL as deeply insecure about her own life, jealous and oddly competitive (one sided) with me.

All manifested in rude comments, snarky and dismissive remarks. The unwanted commentary began when I was pregnant at 29 to her 19 and therefore I was in her mind, positively elderly. After all, when she was 29, DH was in elementary school. This continued and peaked at my milestone birthdays.

Then being a SAHM. “Must be nice. I had to work.” Returning to work; “but you have a college degree - I don’t know why you’d take that job.” Having a third baby! “Was this an accident? You already have the perfect family of one boy and one girl!”

Last straw was struggling with postpartum depression manifesting in complete loss of appetite. Under doctor’s care due to extreme weight loss and anxiety. During one visit, I quietly explained (proactively, to avoid comments or concerns about my appearance) the reason for my weight loss and that I was ill, but on the upswing. She listened and then told me how lucky I was that I’d lost weight and that she wished she’d have such problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP and I can now see my MIL as deeply insecure about her own life, jealous and oddly competitive (one sided) with me.

All manifested in rude comments, snarky and dismissive remarks. The unwanted commentary began when I was pregnant at 29 to her 19 and therefore I was in her mind, positively elderly. After all, when she was 29, DH was in elementary school. This continued and peaked at my milestone birthdays.

Then being a SAHM. “Must be nice. I had to work.” Returning to work; “but you have a college degree - I don’t know why you’d take that job.” Having a third baby! “Was this an accident? You already have the perfect family of one boy and one girl!”

Last straw was struggling with postpartum depression manifesting in complete loss of appetite. Under doctor’s care due to extreme weight loss and anxiety. During one visit, I quietly explained (proactively, to avoid comments or concerns about my appearance) the reason for my weight loss and that I was ill, but on the upswing. She listened and then told me how lucky I was that I’d lost weight and that she wished she’d have such problems.

Yuck! I’m sorry you have to hear those awful comments.

You just described my own MIL.

DH thinks she is jealous and says she never liked any of the women they dated. Seems time for MIL to get over the fact her nearly elderly sons have women in their lives!