Sister in her late 40s won’t date

[Anonymous]

She could be asexual. This describes me almost exactly.

I never dated in high school because I never felt the desire. I had one relationship with a man later in college that lasted about 1.5 years and ended after graduation. Looking back, I believe it was a relationship of convenience and kindred spirits. I have my suspicions that he may have been gay, but we've lost touch and he's not on social media that I can find. I told myself that I loved him, but it was purely forced on my part. Mimicking behavior I had seen from my siblings and peers.

I spent most of my 20s feeling pretty broken. I went on a few dates at the urging of friends, but I never wanted to date or felt any romantic or sexual connections. I enjoyed a few men as friends but that's it. I finally got a bit too tipsy at a Christmas party and confessed how I felt broken to a friend who asked me if I ever considered that maybe I was gay. I honestly hadn't considered it. She suggested I speak to a therapist, so I did. My therapist suggested I try dating women since I was open to the idea, so I did. It was fine but not for me. Again, I felt no desire to go on dates or any romantic feelings for those I dated multiple times. My therapist brought up the idea of asexuality and once I started researching it, BOOM! That was me. I remember tears rolling down my cheeks because for the first time I didn't feel like a broken human.

I'm a very happy 40-something who is objectively good looking with a good job and my own home. I have lots of friends and adore all my nieces and nephews. I've since had several long-term relationships with other asexual men I met through various groups. I'm open to marriage if I find a compatible partner, but it's not a priority for me. If I had to rate my life on a 1-10 scale, I'd honestly say I'm a 9 in terms of happiness. To many outside of my bubble I probably look sad and lonely, I suppose, but that's ok. I'm happy and those around me who care about me know that as well.

[Anonymous]

You probably don’t know her as well as you think you do.

[Anonymous]

You are projecting your values onto her.

Studies show single women are the happiest, then married men (because they have a woman tending to them).

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend like this. We’ve been friends for over 20 years. I consider her like a sister.

I get that she’s not actually my sister but I know her very well.

She has confided in me for decades about things that she didn’t feel comfortable telling her family.

It turns out she is attracted to women. She only disclosed this to me after she started a relationship with a woman. She is very religious and was afraid to tell her family. Her brother had come out to them a few years before when he moved in with his boyfriend and her parents did not react well.

Now I’m not saying that’s everyone. Some people are asexual. For years my friend thought she was.

Her own dishonesty with herself made her difficult to be friends with before she came out to me. She asked me to lunch just us and told me. I never shared that with any of our mutual friends.

[Anonymous]

Why do you care? She sounds happy!

Mind your own business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what? If something happened to DH or we got divorced, I would never date or marry again. I prefer my own company and making decisions all by myself. I can’t imagine small talk, dating and meeting some new guy’s parents.

Plus if she’s late 40s she’s limited to 40s men—likely divorced duds saddled with kids and ex-wives. Nope!

My thoughts as well.

OP’s sister sounds like she’s doing just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She could be asexual. This describes me almost exactly.

I never dated in high school because I never felt the desire. I had one relationship with a man later in college that lasted about 1.5 years and ended after graduation. Looking back, I believe it was a relationship of convenience and kindred spirits. I have my suspicions that he may have been gay, but we've lost touch and he's not on social media that I can find. I told myself that I loved him, but it was purely forced on my part. Mimicking behavior I had seen from my siblings and peers.

I spent most of my 20s feeling pretty broken. I went on a few dates at the urging of friends, but I never wanted to date or felt any romantic or sexual connections. I enjoyed a few men as friends but that's it. I finally got a bit too tipsy at a Christmas party and confessed how I felt broken to a friend who asked me if I ever considered that maybe I was gay. I honestly hadn't considered it. She suggested I speak to a therapist, so I did. My therapist suggested I try dating women since I was open to the idea, so I did. It was fine but not for me. Again, I felt no desire to go on dates or any romantic feelings for those I dated multiple times. My therapist brought up the idea of asexuality and once I started researching it, BOOM! That was me. I remember tears rolling down my cheeks because for the first time I didn't feel like a broken human.

I'm a very happy 40-something who is objectively good looking with a good job and my own home. I have lots of friends and adore all my nieces and nephews. I've since had several long-term relationships with other asexual men I met through various groups. I'm open to marriage if I find a compatible partner, but it's not a priority for me. If I had to rate my life on a 1-10 scale, I'd honestly say I'm a 9 in terms of happiness. To many outside of my bubble I probably look sad and lonely, I suppose, but that's ok. I'm happy and those around me who care about me know that as well.

I have two women friends who definitely fit this bill and I’ve always assumed are asexual.

And they’re two of the happiest, most well-adjusted people I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like she has a lot of positive things in her life - a good job, family with whom she’s close, friends, interesting hobbies, etc. Not everyone’s goal is to be in a relationship, and you haven’t mentioned that she’s ever expressed to you that she’s unhappy about her relationship status. I don’t see what the problem is.

+1 Your sister sounds very similar to me. I'm in my mid 40s and have no desire to date. I've had long term relationships but never been married. My last relationship was 15 years ago. I tried all the usual ways of meeting someone, but eventually I decided dating is more trouble than it's worth. I don't feel like anything is lacking in my life. I have a busy social life with family and friends. If it doesn't bother your sister, stop letting it bother you.

[Anonymous]

You have no idea what this chick has going on, on the outside she might be well on her way to being a cat lady but in actuality she could have three dungeon sessions a week where she makes men lick her boots, if she’s happy leave her alone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older people I meet who don’t date/never married seem very fussy and particular. I think they prefer life alone and not having to share. Not how I’d like to live personally, but some people are like that.

+1 Most people aren't meant to be an island, but if she's happy with her friends then let her be.

I'm not a huge social person. I really like my alone time.

But, I do think that being too close to your parents at this age is a red flag, though. They are not going to live that much longer, then what? Your social connection shrinks. Who will she go on vacations with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The older people I meet who don’t date/never married seem very fussy and particular. I think they prefer life alone and not having to share. Not how I’d like to live personally, but some people are like that.

+1 Most people aren't meant to be an island, but if she's happy with her friends then let her be.

I'm not a huge social person. I really like my alone time.

But, I do think that being too close to your parents at this age is a red flag, though. They are not going to live that much longer, then what? Your social connection shrinks. Who will she go on vacations with?

I am a PP. Not everyone goes on vacation. I hate them. I only go to the beach 4 days a year for the kids. I have not taken an actual vacation since 2008. Also, many people travel alone if they like taking vacations. That is really not a worry. I am sure she has friends when her parents die. My parents never took a non-kid vacation and since I left home at 17--and I am now 47--they have not went on vacation in 30 years. This is a very priveledged site. My grandparents literally never went on vacation. People don't "need" vacations. Friends can be like family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The older people I meet who don’t date/never married seem very fussy and particular. I think they prefer life alone and not having to share. Not how I’d like to live personally, but some people are like that.

+1 Most people aren't meant to be an island, but if she's happy with her friends then let her be.

I'm not a huge social person. I really like my alone time.

But, I do think that being too close to your parents at this age is a red flag, though. They are not going to live that much longer, then what? Your social connection shrinks. Who will she go on vacations with?

I am a PP. Not everyone goes on vacation. I hate them. I only go to the beach 4 days a year for the kids. I have not taken an actual vacation since 2008. Also, many people travel alone if they like taking vacations. That is really not a worry. I am sure she has friends when her parents die. My parents never took a non-kid vacation and since I left home at 17--and I am now 47--they have not went on vacation in 30 years. This is a very priveledged site. My grandparents literally never went on vacation. People don't "need" vacations. Friends can be like family.

? but the thread is not about you, but OP's sister who does go on vacation with their parents.

But, thanks for sharing your boring existence.

BTW, my parents were low income immigrants to this country, and even they have gone on vacation other than back to their home country, which they did once, maybe twice in the 50+ years they've lived here. But, they've gone elsewhere. Even they can appreciate traveling to other parts of the country/world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The older people I meet who don’t date/never married seem very fussy and particular. I think they prefer life alone and not having to share. Not how I’d like to live personally, but some people are like that.

+1 Most people aren't meant to be an island, but if she's happy with her friends then let her be.

I'm not a huge social person. I really like my alone time.

But, I do think that being too close to your parents at this age is a red flag, though. They are not going to live that much longer, then what? Your social connection shrinks. Who will she go on vacations with?

I am a PP. Not everyone goes on vacation. I hate them. I only go to the beach 4 days a year for the kids. I have not taken an actual vacation since 2008. Also, many people travel alone if they like taking vacations. That is really not a worry. I am sure she has friends when her parents die. My parents never took a non-kid vacation and since I left home at 17--and I am now 47--they have not went on vacation in 30 years. This is a very priveledged site. My grandparents literally never went on vacation. People don't "need" vacations. Friends can be like family.

? but the thread is not about you, but OP's sister who does go on vacation with their parents.

But, thanks for sharing your boring existence.

BTW, my parents were low income immigrants to this country, and even they have gone on vacation other than back to their home country, which they did once, maybe twice in the 50+ years they've lived here. But, they've gone elsewhere. Even they can appreciate traveling to other parts of the country/world.

I was responding strictly to the ridiculousness of saying she is too close to her parents and the horror of "who will she go on vacation with?" There is literally nothing wrong with OP's sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have no idea what this chick has going on, on the outside she might be well on her way to being a cat lady but in actuality she could have three dungeon sessions a week where she makes men lick her boots, if she’s happy leave her alone!

My feeling exactly! Frankly, other than my kids and some good sex, my relationships with men didn’t add much to my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have no idea what this chick has going on, on the outside she might be well on her way to being a cat lady but in actuality she could have three dungeon sessions a week where she makes men lick her boots, if she’s happy leave her alone!

My feeling exactly! Frankly, other than my kids and some good sex, my relationships with men didn’t add much to my life.

Huh??? Those are both huge major things???