I really, REALLY dislike my 2 year old

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. You’re going to get a lot of bad advice here from parents who haven’t had a child like this.

My 3 year old is just like yours except her sleep is even worse (woke 40+ times a night until 18 months, still can’t sleep independently, extremely low sleep needs, etc.). We’ve had her evaluated and have taken her to every medical specialist since she was a baby to try to figure out why she’s so difficult: ENT, neurologist, sleep clinic, pediatric dentist for ties, GI, allergist, developmental pediatrician, the list just goes on. There is nothing medically wrong with her. She’s just very smart and highly sensitive. That’s it. Some kids are just very hard, and it’s not the fault of your parenting, although of course your parenting can help a bit or make things harder.

The only thing that has helped me is taking breaks. We sent to part time preschool earlier than planned, and it’s been amazing for her to have the extra stimulus and for me to have breaks. My husband and I also split the really hard things like bedtime and transitions out of the house because those were making me nuts. And there are some things we just avoid because the meltdowns aren’t worth it, like certain parks and activities.

Look into low demand parenting. Hold iron clad on boundaries that are important to you. Always give unequivocal apologies to her when you’ve yelled or been too harsh. Physically step away and shut a door for a few minutes when you feel you’re going to yell, and tell her why: “I am getting very upset right now and need some space to calm down. I’ll come out in 3 minutes.”

I’m sorry I don’t have better advice for instant fixes. Twenty-33 months was the absolute hardest for us, and it’s being better. There are other families struggling through this, I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad admitting this out loud, but I secretly don't like my 2 year old.

My older kid has always been great. Super easy, sweet, fun kids.

DD2 has been a constant pain since she was born. Always fussy, always throwing a fit. I tried taking the kids out to dinner last night and DD2 threw nonstop tantrums, ran around the restaurant, climbed the booth, tried to knock a lamp over screamed some more, screamed the whole way there and back home. I'd grab her and sit her back down and sternly tell her to behave, and she'd just scream more. So we packed our food up and left.

She screamed all last night putting her to bed, screamed all night long that her blanket wasn't right, her pillow wasn't right. Kicks the blanket off and screams that it's off.

Even our nanny had a day where she had to leave because she couldn't take the screaming and tantrums anymore.

DD8 resents her because we basically can't go do anything fun anymore and the tantrums keep her up at night (every night bedtime is a battle). I've turned into the horrible mom who yells at her kids - in the car yesterday I screamed at the top of my lungs for her to please just stop for once.

My sister was like this as a kid and nobody liked her as a result. Even as an adult she continued to act this way and throw tantrums. I feel so trapped that I'll have to deal with this the rest of my life.

The only medical thing is schizophrenia runs in H's side of the family, and I don't know if this is the beginning of that or what. I really don't know how I'm going to deal with a kid who has schizophrenia plus screams all the time.

Is she hitting all her milestones? Talking? Doing all the two-year old things the pediatrician says she should be doing? Have you talked to the pediatrician about any of this?

Yes, she hits all her milestones and is ahead on many. She's an insanely smart kid. She figured out how to unlock and open the front door because she randomly decides she wants to leave the house. Crazy good talker, too.

Some kids are just a lot - especially if they are smart and 2. When cognition starts to outpace emotional development and regulation, hoo boy. It can get wild. And if you're first was easy breezy, it makes it worse. She needs a different approach. You need some help! Talk to your pediatrician about good parent trainers or behavior specialists who can work with you. Because at this point, it's you that will need to do all the work.

+1. The only way to change a child’s behavior is to change the behavior of the caregivers. This includes the nanny. Screaming at her (you) or getting so overwhelmed you have to leave (nanny) are not good.

Also be very mindful of your framing that your first child is great and your second child ruined everything. Your post is dripping of that.

+2 OP reframe this - your first kid asked very little of you and made you feel like a supermom, and your second needs more effort. But they're smart and verbal and you're lucky to have the chance to parent them because you'll be a better parent for it, even if you need to work a little harder for it. It seems like you're transferring your long-held resentment towards your sister to your 2 year old kid, which you have to realize is unfair and inappropriate.

Very well said. Please think about this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Some kids are harder, but it sounds like your two-year-old might have more going on. A nanny leaving in the middle of the day because of the screaming is not normal.

Have you considered getting your child evaluated by infant and toddlers will talk to your pediatrician?

[Anonymous]

You should pretty much assume at this point that something medical/developmental is going on (ASD/allergies/ADHD/something more serious). This will help you find a way to help your child and also help you reframe your emotions and reset your parenting style: it is not your kid's fault, and you can't parent this kid exactly the same as your other kids because they need something different.

All of the behaviors are the baby/toddler trying to express that something is wrong, and it is your job to help figure out what it is so you can help them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. You’re going to get a lot of bad advice here from parents who haven’t had a child like this.

My 3 year old is just like yours except her sleep is even worse (woke 40+ times a night until 18 months, still can’t sleep independently, extremely low sleep needs, etc.). We’ve had her evaluated and have taken her to every medical specialist since she was a baby to try to figure out why she’s so difficult: ENT, neurologist, sleep clinic, pediatric dentist for ties, GI, allergist, developmental pediatrician, the list just goes on. There is nothing medically wrong with her. She’s just very smart and highly sensitive. That’s it. Some kids are just very hard, and it’s not the fault of your parenting, although of course your parenting can help a bit or make things harder.

The only thing that has helped me is taking breaks. We sent to part time preschool earlier than planned, and it’s been amazing for her to have the extra stimulus and for me to have breaks. My husband and I also split the really hard things like bedtime and transitions out of the house because those were making me nuts. And there are some things we just avoid because the meltdowns aren’t worth it, like certain parks and activities.

Look into low demand parenting. Hold iron clad on boundaries that are important to you. Always give unequivocal apologies to her when you’ve yelled or been too harsh. Physically step away and shut a door for a few minutes when you feel you’re going to yell, and tell her why: “I am getting very upset right now and need some space to calm down. I’ll come out in 3 minutes.”

I’m sorry I don’t have better advice for instant fixes. Twenty-33 months was the absolute hardest for us, and it’s being better. There are other families struggling through this, I promise.

Just because your child's doctors didn't find anything doesn't mean OP should not go through the same process you did -- her child may actually have a treatable issue.

[Anonymous]

As a parent of 2 tough kids, low demand parenting leads to screen addled kids who refuse to do schoolwork. When I toughened up and turned off the WiFi good things happened.

If you scream and cry you go to your room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of 2 tough kids, low demand parenting leads to screen addled kids who refuse to do schoolwork. When I toughened up and turned off the WiFi good things happened.

If you scream and cry you go to your room.

I say this gently but if you have kids who will willingly go to their rooms when they misbehave, you don't have OP's kind of kid.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a child like yours. And my first was also much easier. It is most likely normal and just a strong willed child. Read up on strong willed children. Read up on setting boundaries with strong willed children. It takes an iron will to parent these kids, and it is exhausting.

Pay attention to what sets off your particular child, and what brings her back. Your parenting strategy will have to be very personalized, and consistent. Determine your absolute boundaries for her, and let go of all the stuff that don't matter because you will need your energy for the things that do. Take turns with spouse. Take breaks. It's ok to lose it every now and then. It will get slightly better as she aged and you can reason with her more.

Do time outs. Or time ins, if outs dont work. Force her to have those alone times to calm down and reset. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of 2 tough kids, low demand parenting leads to screen addled kids who refuse to do schoolwork. When I toughened up and turned off the WiFi good things happened.

If you scream and cry you go to your room.

I say this gently but if you have kids who will willingly go to their rooms when they misbehave, you don't have OP's kind of kid.

Yes I do. You pick them up and move them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like ASD to me. Have her evaluated. She sounds like she has severe overstimulation and sensory issues.

The front door unlocking and walking out was an early sign of ASD in my good friend’s child. This was very young- maybe 18 months or so? They ended up putting locks on the top of the doors to prevent eloping (until he discovered the stepladder!) while they started early intervention.

Their child is doing great now, and is 2e and in their city’s gifted program and has many similar peers. It’s going to be ok, OP, but you need help and it’s good you are seeing that.

[Anonymous]

Oh and if she is not in daycare/preschool, send her at least part time. She might be bored, or at least need a new environment to teach her social expectations. Some kids need that peer environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of 2 tough kids, low demand parenting leads to screen addled kids who refuse to do schoolwork. When I toughened up and turned off the WiFi good things happened.

If you scream and cry you go to your room.

I say this gently but if you have kids who will willingly go to their rooms when they misbehave, you don't have OP's kind of kid.

Yes I do. You pick them up and move them.

And they let you, that's the point. Look, I agree we can't let kids do what they want and need to get tough and set boundaries. Just don't assume that that takes the same amount of effort for all kids. Very strong willed kids will not easily stay in their rooms just because you dragged them there or told them or or set the timer. OP needs more strategies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of 2 tough kids, low demand parenting leads to screen addled kids who refuse to do schoolwork. When I toughened up and turned off the WiFi good things happened.

If you scream and cry you go to your room.

I say this gently but if you have kids who will willingly go to their rooms when they misbehave, you don't have OP's kind of kid.

Yes I do. You pick them up and move them.

And they let you, that's the point. Look, I agree we can't let kids do what they want and need to get tough and set boundaries. Just don't assume that that takes the same amount of effort for all kids. Very strong willed kids will not easily stay in their rooms just because you dragged them there or told them or or set the timer. OP needs more strategies.

No, she needs a childproof doorknob. This kid is 2. I agree that they get the point where you can't move them anymore. That's why you take this approach when they are little so they can learn.

[Anonymous]

My 3 year old DD is home sick and has spent the morning alternately climbing the walls and yelling at me. She is also incredibly smart, verbal, and athletic. Ahead of her peers in all aspects.

At this point I assume an eventual ADHD diagnosis based on DH's family history.

[Anonymous]

Where is your husband? Dad needs to lay down the law.