The DC cliché: "so what do you do?"

[Anonymous]

People are so ridiculous about this. What's the big deal. I ask because people are generally interesting here. It's get a conversation started. It's not just so you can see how important they are.

I lived in Charlotte, people asked where you went to church. In Ohio, people ask where you went to high school.

We don't have those types of local connections. What am I supposed to ask? I don't go to church, my kids are grown. Am I supposed to ask about your favorite bar?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live EOTP (not Capitol Hill) and don’t get this question. Like, ever.

I live on the hill and get it all the time and it's boring AF. Another thing people do is discuss other people's jobs a lot which is so boring. "Did you know so and so on F street is a partner at Big Law firm? Did you know Jimmy's classmate's mom used to work for Kamala? Did you know the Thompsons who we ran into at such and such both work for the post?" Like... no I didn't and I don't work in those industries so I don't really care? Also even if someone has an interesting job doesn't make them interesting to talk about. I might enjoy talking to a journalist about her work but I don't enjoy talking to my awestruck neighbor about how cool he thinks it is that said journalist has appeared on MSNBC.

But most people in DC have dull jobs.

I definitely don't think people have dull jobs here. I am amazed at the jobs sometimes. It's just a conversation starter. It's different if someone is clout chasing and mentions that so and so is a big law partner. That's not what we are talking about. Just generally, what would the first question be, especially if you don't have kids or are just out at a get together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The cliché is not that people ask this question. People ask the question other places too. But the part that is unique to DC is watching their little brain calculate your approximate level of power and influence and then decide how nice to be to you and how much time to spend talking to you based on how you rank. That part does not happen elsewhere. You can watch people's eyes kind of light up when they view you as connected or professionally useful or you can watch them dim if they deem you insufficiently important to matter to them. It's creepy and weird especially in random social settings like a child's birthday party or a doctor's office.

It's obviously not everyone in DC but there are so many myopically careerist people here and I don't think they even recognize how messed up this is. It bothered me less when I was younger but the older I get and especially as I raise kids in this area the more gross it is to me. I hate it regardless of which way the assessment goes -- it feels bad to be dismissed as insufficiently useful to someone but it actually feels worse to be identified as an opportunity because you know their interst in you has nothing at all to do with who you are as a person. I find it especially disturbing in parent circles when I can tell someone is pursuing playdates with us because they want to develop a professional contact and not because they actually care about the kids having fun or whatever.

Anyway I know even complaining about this is cliché but it's really true and I was at a neighborhood function tonight where it was on aggressive display and it just made me sad.

What planet do y'all live on that nobody outside of the District sizes you up by your and your spouse's profession, college degree(s), where precisely your house is (if not also where you summer!), and what schools your kids attend? We're in the Midwest for a wedding and that's absolutely a thing here, too. People really don't even have to ask anymore, as it's all on Google these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually this question is a bit passe now. People will do their best to avoid asking about work, and if they must eventually bring it up they find a different way to do it. They still care about your connections, but they don't want to appear to care.

Because there's no need to ask. Creepers discreetly search someone's name on Google and LinkedIn in two seconds.

[Anonymous]

I don't get this question that much (similar to many PPs, I'm a parent EOTP but not Capitol Hill). And when I do, I'd say it's like 75% just making conversation, and maybe 25% "networking". It's easy for me to ignore, and it says more about them than it does me.

I see it as one pretty innocuous downside of living here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are so ridiculous about this. What's the big deal. I ask because people are generally interesting here. It's get a conversation started. It's not just so you can see how important they are.

I lived in Charlotte, people asked where you went to church. In Ohio, people ask where you went to high school.

We don't have those types of local connections. What am I supposed to ask? I don't go to church, my kids are grown. Am I supposed to ask about your favorite bar?

This made me laugh as someone who grew up in a small city in the south where "where do you go to church?" is standard small talk with strangers. Yes, sometimes it's annoying to be asked about work, but work is a large part of my identity (as is many others in this area). I'm glad I live somewhere where this is the case, rather than church membership being a defining characteristic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are so ridiculous about this. What's the big deal. I ask because people are generally interesting here. It's get a conversation started. It's not just so you can see how important they are.

I lived in Charlotte, people asked where you went to church. In Ohio, people ask where you went to high school.

We don't have those types of local connections. What am I supposed to ask? I don't go to church, my kids are grown. Am I supposed to ask about your favorite bar?

Yes! Or my favorite dinosaur! Or if I'm reading any good books!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The cliché is not that people ask this question. People ask the question other places too. But the part that is unique to DC is watching their little brain calculate your approximate level of power and influence and then decide how nice to be to you and how much time to spend talking to you based on how you rank. That part does not happen elsewhere. You can watch people's eyes kind of light up when they view you as connected or professionally useful or you can watch them dim if they deem you insufficiently important to matter to them. It's creepy and weird especially in random social settings like a child's birthday party or a doctor's office.

It's obviously not everyone in DC but there are so many myopically careerist people here and I don't think they even recognize how messed up this is. It bothered me less when I was younger but the older I get and especially as I raise kids in this area the more gross it is to me. I hate it regardless of which way the assessment goes -- it feels bad to be dismissed as insufficiently useful to someone but it actually feels worse to be identified as an opportunity because you know their interst in you has nothing at all to do with who you are as a person. I find it especially disturbing in parent circles when I can tell someone is pursuing playdates with us because they want to develop a professional contact and not because they actually care about the kids having fun or whatever.

Anyway I know even complaining about this is cliché but it's really true and I was at a neighborhood function tonight where it was on aggressive display and it just made me sad.

I like the rollercoaster of emotions I see in my interlocutor's eyes when I tell him/her I have two advanced degrees - JD and PhD from Ivy Leagues and worked an impressive big name job but plan to be a full time SAHM when my second comes. And yes, I did not volunteer the information, it was mined out of me. Some literally short circuits and I can see the confusion in their face as they assess if I'm worthy of continued conversation or not.

[Anonymous]

Once they find out my husband also has double ivy league degrees they usually stay interested even though he's in a boring paper pushing job. They think we are the type of parents who are definitely going to get our kids into the ivies so we must have some useful information for them!

[Anonymous]

I love it.

I love my job and I do important work. I’m happy to talk about it and I want to be around other people who care about their work. You spend more time with your work than with your spouse or kids - it better be something special. I find going to visit relatives in flyover state where everyone just talks about football, dance competitions and trucks to be deadly. Try giving an eff about something, Cletus.

I also like that in DC it is about power and influence - not money. The most interesting and important people in this town aren’t the richest - it’s refreshing.

[Anonymous]

Unless you are really connected, their eyes focus over your shoulder while supposedly talking with you, scanning the room for someone more worth their attention.

I tell them I am a retired investor living on a pension.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my 50s and my experience has been that these sort of "nosy climber types" are few and far between and are easily avoided If do find yourself in this circle it's because they are always scheming and gossiping tend to seek out others like themselves .... but most DC people are not like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live EOTP (not Capitol Hill) and don’t get this question. Like, ever.

I live on the hill and get it all the time and it's boring AF. Another thing people do is discuss other people's jobs a lot which is so boring. "Did you know so and so on F street is a partner at Big Law firm? Did you know Jimmy's classmate's mom used to work for Kamala? Did you know the Thompsons who we ran into at such and such both work for the post?" Like... no I didn't and I don't work in those industries so I don't really care? Also even if someone has an interesting job doesn't make them interesting to talk about. I might enjoy talking to a journalist about her work but I don't enjoy talking to my awestruck neighbor about how cool he thinks it is that said journalist has appeared on MSNBC.

But most people in DC have dull jobs.

I definitely don't think people have dull jobs here. I am amazed at the jobs sometimes. It's just a conversation starter. It's different if someone is clout chasing and mentions that so and so is a big law partner. That's not what we are talking about. Just generally, what would the first question be, especially if you don't have kids or are just out at a get together?

My substitute for "what do you do?" is "So are you commuting these days?"
But better starters are:
"How did you meet [host]?"
"Are you getting away this [season]?"
"Do you know any good [parks/cafe/hikes] around here?"
"There are so many streaming services and I can't decide what to get. Do you watch anything?"
And so on. People like to talk about themselves.

[Anonymous]

I was a cocktail waitress in my twenties in DC but had friends working at the IMF, Senate and other prestigious places. Went to a party with one such friend and remember being chatted up by one guy. He asked what I did for a living and before I could finish the statement saw his face fall and eyes darting around looking for a quick exit.

Sorry I can’t help you advance your career, asshat.

[Anonymous]

I've seen this so many times. I worked as a nanny for many years in the DC area. I'd strike up conversations with moms at parks and the minute they heard I was a nanny, the conversation went downhill and pretty much ended. Nobody cared to know more about me than that. I also have a Master's degree and have traveled around the world and am raising my child by myself. Nope. We never got that far because they quickly faded away. It used to bother me but not anymore. Oh well. Their loss.