Parent volunteers who are nuts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The frequent attacks on the entire concept of volunteering at a school is one of the more surprising parts of DCUM.

Especially given the correlation between parent volunteering and child academic/life success.

I find this difficult to believe. Surely parental education level and income matters more? And highly educated, highly employed parents are not volunteering as much as SAHMs with a BA or even less.

I did say correlation for a reason. It may be that families that are likely to volunteer are also likely to be highly involved in their child's academics in general and even if you just took out the part where the parents showed up and did something at school, the kids would still do as well. Nevertheless, the data is there (meta analysis: https://psycnet.apa.org/manuscript/2019-38879-001.pdf)

For example, school-based involvement, such as participation in parent-teacher conferences, open houses, and other school events, had a positive impact on academics in preschool, middle school, and high school, but the size of the impact was much lower in high school than in preschool. That may be because parents have fewer opportunities to be involved in the high school environment than in younger students’ classrooms where parents might volunteer.
....
Parent involvement has led to higher academic outcomes both for children from low and higher socioeconomic status families.

(https://www.edweek.org/leadership/does-parent-involvement-really-help-students-heres-what-the-research-says/2023/07)

There's also a bit in that EdWeek article about how being an involved parent helps you have social capital at school to navigate challenges. If you have other ways to build that social capital, then there's less need to be on-hand for PTO events.

I can totally see that re building the social capital to navigate challenges. In some cases, we've seen power-seeking moms take these PTA roles as a way to get insider information which they see as an advantage.

We’ve also seen parents with problem children take on these roles in the hopes that their bullying, rule-breaking, cheating kids won’t get expelled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent volunteer positions are often poorly defined, have no accountability, and are filled by either the parents with the most social status or the ones who raised their hand for positions no one else wanted.

I’ve seen countless parents with no leadership skills in the highest leadership positions. These people can’t run a meeting, have no notion of facilitating teamwork or how to develop and support a team. They can’t delegate. They micromanage, scream, misuse their power, and act like 12-year-old mean girls and boys.

I’ve seen parents try to run the parent organization like it’s a fiefdom. A dad who tied to run it like a corporation with salaried employees.(That was pretty funny! ) I’ve seen them turn it into the “cool club.” I’ve heard racist, homophobic, fat-shaming, and looks-ist comments made about other volunteers.

Yes, volunteering can be a nightmare.

Most schools lack the organizational savvy and leadership themselves to deal with this mess. As long as there’s someone to step up they simply don’t care.

I try to help where I can and let the rest of the craziness roll off my back.

This is so true. Very few people actually have the skills and intellect to be a fair leader who provides clear enough structure and expectations to kill all the chaos. So, people go rogue and act insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is about to graduate from HS, and this month, about half a dozen parents have reached out to ask for advice/vent about other parent volunteers (Queen Bees) who have screamed at them, made them cry, returned their work for editing, gone rogue (we aren't doing snacks for the kids anymore-there is an obesity problem in this country and our kids are soft so let's not provide them or the opposite...let's have half-time catered....), and things of that nature. I've seen some texts and emails. Blown away by how people will say things to other parents (or within earshot of kids) that they would get fired for at work (or promoted if they work in a toxic environment).

Do your schools have any kind of training or guidelines or hierarchy for volunteering?

Parents have told me they plan to call the school faculty to complain about their negative experiences volunteering and it seems like a complete and utter waste of school resources to have the adults whose programs they want to support to mediate conflicts among 40, 50 and 60-year olds.

I assume a lot of you volunteer with people who are used to being the decision-maker or who delegate down a lot.
What have your experiences been?

Been at two different schools - one school admin selects parent volunteers carefully and other one allows the parents to self select themselves and their friends. Guess which one has a smoother nicer experience?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The frequent attacks on the entire concept of volunteering at a school is one of the more surprising parts of DCUM.

Especially given the correlation between parent volunteering and child academic/life success.

I find this difficult to believe. Surely parental education level and income matters more? And highly educated, highly employed parents are not volunteering as much as SAHMs with a BA or even less.

You sound ridiculous. Most of the SAHMs I know have masters, law, or doctorate degrees. They are actually successful and wealthy enough to afford to stay home. I am one of these parents. I worked when younger but am wealthy enough to be able to stay at home with my kids in my late 30's and on as I always wanted to do. Most of the moms I know still working in their 50's and 60's can not afford to stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The frequent attacks on the entire concept of volunteering at a school is one of the more surprising parts of DCUM.

Especially given the correlation between parent volunteering and child academic/life success.

I find this difficult to believe. Surely parental education level and income matters more? And highly educated, highly employed parents are not volunteering as much as SAHMs with a BA or even less.

You sound ridiculous. Most of the SAHMs I know have masters, law, or doctorate degrees. They are actually successful and wealthy enough to afford to stay home. I am one of these parents. I worked when younger but am wealthy enough to be able to stay at home with my kids in my late 30's and on as I always wanted to do. Most of the moms I know still working in their 50's and 60's can not afford to stay home.

Man, your over-the-top frantic defensiveness is wild. There was nothing that the PP said that warranted a response like this. Incredible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is about to graduate from HS, and this month, about half a dozen parents have reached out to ask for advice/vent about other parent volunteers (Queen Bees) who have screamed at them, made them cry, returned their work for editing, gone rogue (we aren't doing snacks for the kids anymore-there is an obesity problem in this country and our kids are soft so let's not provide them or the opposite...let's have half-time catered....), and things of that nature. I've seen some texts and emails. Blown away by how people will say things to other parents (or within earshot of kids) that they would get fired for at work (or promoted if they work in a toxic environment).

Do your schools have any kind of training or guidelines or hierarchy for volunteering?

Parents have told me they plan to call the school faculty to complain about their negative experiences volunteering and it seems like a complete and utter waste of school resources to have the adults whose programs they want to support to mediate conflicts among 40, 50 and 60-year olds.

I assume a lot of you volunteer with people who are used to being the decision-maker or who delegate down a lot.
What have your experiences been?

Been at two different schools - one school admin selects parent volunteers carefully and other one allows the parents to self select themselves and their friends. Guess which one has a smoother nicer experience?

The group of friends. Because they are all just going to agree. The group of carefully selected randoms are going to try to "shake things up" and do it all differently and re-invent the wheel and infighting and disagreement will ensue. What should take 15 minutes will take 3 hours because everyone will have an opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The frequent attacks on the entire concept of volunteering at a school is one of the more surprising parts of DCUM.

Especially given the correlation between parent volunteering and child academic/life success.

I find this difficult to believe. Surely parental education level and income matters more? And highly educated, highly employed parents are not volunteering as much as SAHMs with a BA or even less.

You sound ridiculous. Most of the SAHMs I know have masters, law, or doctorate degrees. They are actually successful and wealthy enough to afford to stay home. I am one of these parents. I worked when younger but am wealthy enough to be able to stay at home with my kids in my late 30's and on as I always wanted to do. Most of the moms I know still working in their 50's and 60's can not afford to stay home.

Man, your over-the-top frantic defensiveness is wild. There was nothing that the PP said that warranted a response like this. Incredible.

Not defensive in the least just correcting the pp with their incorrect statements. That is all. They specifically stated that SAHMs tend to be less educated and I am correcting them. Now move along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is about to graduate from HS, and this month, about half a dozen parents have reached out to ask for advice/vent about other parent volunteers (Queen Bees) who have screamed at them, made them cry, returned their work for editing, gone rogue (we aren't doing snacks for the kids anymore-there is an obesity problem in this country and our kids are soft so let's not provide them or the opposite...let's have half-time catered....), and things of that nature. I've seen some texts and emails. Blown away by how people will say things to other parents (or within earshot of kids) that they would get fired for at work (or promoted if they work in a toxic environment).

Do your schools have any kind of training or guidelines or hierarchy for volunteering?

Parents have told me they plan to call the school faculty to complain about their negative experiences volunteering and it seems like a complete and utter waste of school resources to have the adults whose programs they want to support to mediate conflicts among 40, 50 and 60-year olds.

I assume a lot of you volunteer with people who are used to being the decision-maker or who delegate down a lot.
What have your experiences been?

Been at two different schools - one school admin selects parent volunteers carefully and other one allows the parents to self select themselves and their friends. Guess which one has a smoother nicer experience?

The group of friends. Because they are all just going to agree. The group of carefully selected randoms are going to try to "shake things up" and do it all differently and re-invent the wheel and infighting and disagreement will ensue. What should take 15 minutes will take 3 hours because everyone will have an opinion.

Not really. Normal civilized parents and adults should be able to work together. Why should parents that want to be involved in their community get shut out because they are not friends with the Queen Bees? That is ridiculous and not really accepted in well run schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is about to graduate from HS, and this month, about half a dozen parents have reached out to ask for advice/vent about other parent volunteers (Queen Bees) who have screamed at them, made them cry, returned their work for editing, gone rogue (we aren't doing snacks for the kids anymore-there is an obesity problem in this country and our kids are soft so let's not provide them or the opposite...let's have half-time catered....), and things of that nature. I've seen some texts and emails. Blown away by how people will say things to other parents (or within earshot of kids) that they would get fired for at work (or promoted if they work in a toxic environment).

Do your schools have any kind of training or guidelines or hierarchy for volunteering?

Parents have told me they plan to call the school faculty to complain about their negative experiences volunteering and it seems like a complete and utter waste of school resources to have the adults whose programs they want to support to mediate conflicts among 40, 50 and 60-year olds.

I assume a lot of you volunteer with people who are used to being the decision-maker or who delegate down a lot.
What have your experiences been?

Been at two different schools - one school admin selects parent volunteers carefully and other one allows the parents to self select themselves and their friends. Guess which one has a smoother nicer experience?

The group of friends. Because they are all just going to agree. The group of carefully selected randoms are going to try to "shake things up" and do it all differently and re-invent the wheel and infighting and disagreement will ensue. What should take 15 minutes will take 3 hours because everyone will have an opinion.

Not really. Normal civilized parents and adults should be able to work together. Why should parents that want to be involved in their community get shut out because they are not friends with the Queen Bees? That is ridiculous and not really accepted in well run schools.

Well according to some here you must be an underemployed and undereducated SAHM to want to spend so much time and energy planning some ridiculous PTA event. Just write the check to support the school and either attend the events or don't. Nobody needs you to drone on and on about your visions at a PTA meeting.

[Anonymous]

During Spring of our DC's senior year, all kinds of parents (never seen before in 4 years!) came out of the woodwork to participate in a few of the senior events parents run for the kids. Eye opening on some of these folks, their need to control, self importance....but also others just staying under the fray and doing what they can do to help out. I have no need to get into drama - but I do enjoy meeting people and participating and helping. I just give grace and let the bossy behavior slide. But I also do my best to find something else to help with when my radar goes off on an over-the-top parent. No judging but no need to touch the third rail. And remember - almost everyone else also notices those people and how they are acting. The groups seemed pretty adept at managing it. Some ideas/actions are so out of bounds that nobody gets behind it and it dies of lack of air. Other ideas/actions are so bad that others (self included) speak up and squash. And the ones that are "just fine" but you don't want drama....you don't sign up for a big role on that project.

[Anonymous]

I do a fair amount of volunteering at my kid's school. Luckily, the culture around volunteering is pretty positive and it's been a good experience. I work but I have flex in my schedule and take on volunteer roles as I can. It's important to me and I benefit from getting to know other parents, administrators, teachers and my kid's friends.

I know people love to come on here with their snarky comments about other parents who volunteer, but the event that your kids (and families) directly benefit from don't run themselves. It's often a lot of work. There are certainly some bad eggs that volunteer and I just let it slide. Who knows what's going on their lives to make them behave that way. But have a little appreciation for the parents with good intentions who are giving their time and energy. And know that from an outside perspective, your snarkiness looks like a defense mechanism--you feel guilty that you don't participate in the central community of your child's life so you belittle those that do. Hope that you find satisfaction in venting here and maybe pitch in when you can...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is about to graduate from HS, and this month, about half a dozen parents have reached out to ask for advice/vent about other parent volunteers (Queen Bees) who have screamed at them, made them cry, returned their work for editing, gone rogue (we aren't doing snacks for the kids anymore-there is an obesity problem in this country and our kids are soft so let's not provide them or the opposite...let's have half-time catered....), and things of that nature. I've seen some texts and emails. Blown away by how people will say things to other parents (or within earshot of kids) that they would get fired for at work (or promoted if they work in a toxic environment).

Do your schools have any kind of training or guidelines or hierarchy for volunteering?

Parents have told me they plan to call the school faculty to complain about their negative experiences volunteering and it seems like a complete and utter waste of school resources to have the adults whose programs they want to support to mediate conflicts among 40, 50 and 60-year olds.

I assume a lot of you volunteer with people who are used to being the decision-maker or who delegate down a lot.
What have your experiences been?

Been at two different schools - one school admin selects parent volunteers carefully and other one allows the parents to self select themselves and their friends. Guess which one has a smoother nicer experience?

The group of friends. Because they are all just going to agree. The group of carefully selected randoms are going to try to "shake things up" and do it all differently and re-invent the wheel and infighting and disagreement will ensue. What should take 15 minutes will take 3 hours because everyone will have an opinion.

Not really. Normal civilized parents and adults should be able to work together. Why should parents that want to be involved in their community get shut out because they are not friends with the Queen Bees? That is ridiculous and not really accepted in well run schools.

Well according to some here you must be an underemployed and undereducated SAHM to want to spend so much time and energy planning some ridiculous PTA event. Just write the check to support the school and either attend the events or don't. Nobody needs you to drone on and on about your visions at a PTA meeting.

Nope. I just send a check. Have zero interest in planning anything but I do think for those that WANT to help out they should be able to to do so.

[Anonymous]

That's how volunteering is with that age group in any organization, not just schools. Just try to stay above it and give people grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is about to graduate from HS, and this month, about half a dozen parents have reached out to ask for advice/vent about other parent volunteers (Queen Bees) who have screamed at them, made them cry, returned their work for editing, gone rogue (we aren't doing snacks for the kids anymore-there is an obesity problem in this country and our kids are soft so let's not provide them or the opposite...let's have half-time catered....), and things of that nature. I've seen some texts and emails. Blown away by how people will say things to other parents (or within earshot of kids) that they would get fired for at work (or promoted if they work in a toxic environment).

Do your schools have any kind of training or guidelines or hierarchy for volunteering?

Parents have told me they plan to call the school faculty to complain about their negative experiences volunteering and it seems like a complete and utter waste of school resources to have the adults whose programs they want to support to mediate conflicts among 40, 50 and 60-year olds.

I assume a lot of you volunteer with people who are used to being the decision-maker or who delegate down a lot.
What have your experiences been?

Been at two different schools - one school admin selects parent volunteers carefully and other one allows the parents to self select themselves and their friends. Guess which one has a smoother nicer experience?

The group of friends. Because they are all just going to agree. The group of carefully selected randoms are going to try to "shake things up" and do it all differently and re-invent the wheel and infighting and disagreement will ensue. What should take 15 minutes will take 3 hours because everyone will have an opinion.

Not really. Normal civilized parents and adults should be able to work together. Why should parents that want to be involved in their community get shut out because they are not friends with the Queen Bees? That is ridiculous and not really accepted in well run schools.

Well according to some here you must be an underemployed and undereducated SAHM to want to spend so much time and energy planning some ridiculous PTA event. Just write the check to support the school and either attend the events or don't. Nobody needs you to drone on and on about your visions at a PTA meeting.

Nope. I just send a check. Have zero interest in planning anything but I do think for those that WANT to help out they should be able to to do so.

You know there are only so many roles and there can be too many cooks in the kitchen which causes headaches for everyone. Those people who WANT to be involved are also not going to be happy being a help in any way they can. You know they want to be in charge bossing everyone else around. You need to start small, show up, help out as needed and from there it should be easy to take on a bigger role next time. But you can't just roll in, want to call all the shots, then leave in a huff when people don't respond well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The frequent attacks on the entire concept of volunteering at a school is one of the more surprising parts of DCUM.

Especially given the correlation between parent volunteering and child academic/life success.

I find this difficult to believe. Surely parental education level and income matters more? And highly educated, highly employed parents are not volunteering as much as SAHMs with a BA or even less.

You sound ridiculous. Most of the SAHMs I know have masters, law, or doctorate degrees. They are actually successful and wealthy enough to afford to stay home. I am one of these parents. I worked when younger but am wealthy enough to be able to stay at home with my kids in my late 30's and on as I always wanted to do. Most of the moms I know still working in their 50's and 60's can not afford to stay home.

You are right. Some of the SAHMs have high level degrees and often from very prestigious colleges. As is the case with our DS school’s PTA president.

Unlucky for us, she is the same one who has weekly 3 hour meetings, micro manages, and is over controlling. Moving along.