It's BAD..I don't want it anymore!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Intimacy..if you can call it that, has become so BAD, that I may call it quits!

Background, I am a F 41 with M 44. Been together 3 years, live together and we have my DS 11, half of the time.

Intimacy involves me getting to the point that I need the release, so about every 4-5 days it will be morning. I take my own clothes off, snuggle beside him. He rolls to his back, I stimulate him. No touching of any kind for me...then he is excited...I'm of course not ready, so then at this point I take matters into my own hands literally. He watches me do my thing, then when I am done, he hops on and the event is over in 2-3 mins.

This is what intimacy looks like for me, and I don't know how many more times I can just go through the motions? It feels strange to not be touched and I crave it. I have never been in a relationship with a man who doesn't want to touch me other than the final act. It makes me sad and I am so bored.

If your story is true: You have been the initiator and participated in this exactly this way every single time. This is the standard you have set. You have yourself to blame, sorry girlfriend.

OP here. I understand what you're saying. However, I view this as more of a means to an end. I tried the whole not initiating thing, and all the other avenues that people recommended. The only one loosing was me! I still have a sex drive. I need the release. I also, have ZERO privacy, or I would do it alone myself...this situation still allows me to stoke my own desire at least! Lol...otherwise NONE for me. I am doing what I need to, while I try and figure out what his deal is! It may just be as simple as he doesn't care anymore. I know the situation sucks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Intimacy..if you can call it that, has become so BAD, that I may call it quits!

Background, I am a F 41 with M 44. Been together 3 years, live together and we have my DS 11, half of the time.

Intimacy involves me getting to the point that I need the release, so about every 4-5 days it will be morning. I take my own clothes off, snuggle beside him. He rolls to his back, I stimulate him. No touching of any kind for me...then he is excited...I'm of course not ready, so then at this point I take matters into my own hands literally. He watches me do my thing, then when I am done, he hops on and the event is over in 2-3 mins.

This is what intimacy looks like for me, and I don't know how many more times I can just go through the motions? It feels strange to not be touched and I crave it. I have never been in a relationship with a man who doesn't want to touch me other than the final act. It makes me sad and I am so bored.

Call me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you move his hand?

OP here. I have! So many times. He pulls away. I have also told him what I like. I can't force someone to perform sexual acts on me. That seems WRONG and not at all what I want or need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP as a single mom (also of an 11 yo) that attempted and then had to end a co-habitation with a partner, it happens. DCUM skews conservative, and I was afraid everybody would jump on that aspect. But this really sounds like is that you have a dealbreaker component of your relationship that you have attempted to mitigate, and your partner is doing what mine did, which is pay lip service to your needs and quietly do nothing. You do have to end it. Parents who stick it out for the kids have an entirely different history and agenda. But new partnerships that don’t work for you and your son are easy decisions to make. Remember it doesn’t have to be a car crash. But you have to be decisive and you will have to do most, if not all of the work to end the relationship and get this person to leave. Don’t underestimate the power of complacency. My partner who have continued our unhappy situation indefinitely bc it benefited him in other ways. I was not going to tolerate it or model that unhappiness for my DC.

OP here. Thank you for this response! I am just so mad at myself for ending up in this situation. I know I need to be strong. I can't allow myself to keep functioning like this. I appreciate your compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s bad in bed and selfish. This is how most men approach sex. He wants you to do all the work.

, In my experience, it’s been mostly women who are selfish, expecting men to do all the work before penetration.

Sorry but men can get turned on at the drop of a hat. Women can’t. You have to do the work to get us there. Sorry it’s not like porn. 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

OMG. You have a much bigger problem than your sex life. Your boyfriend is a bum! Please get him out of your house immediately, if not for you then for your daughter’s sake!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For clarity...it has not always been like this. When we moved in together intimacy was nothing like it is now. I have spoken with him also, and I am met with promises to do better and that he is still attracted to me. Outside the bedroom he tells me I am so sexy, and even says things he wants to do with me, and then they just never happen...

I am divorced and yes, I am sorry my child has to be exposed to a break up. I won't live with a man again! That's for sure

It sounds like maybe additional communication ASAP is needed. You've talked with him, which is good, but have you followed up with what you say to us, above? "Outside the bedroom you tell me I'm sexy. You describe things you want to do with me--specific acts! But they never happen. Let's talk about it." Has he: Been through any kind of stressor like a job/career change, family issues with his parents/siblings/exes, other stressors he might not be revealing to you? Have you noticed any changes to his habits or health, is he exercising less, take less interest in things which once interested him? (That last one can be a sign of depression; in men, depression does not always look like "the blues" BTW). Have you asked him why he thinks there's a change in your sex lives? Just asking him to do better or his saying he'll do better aren't enough; getting to "why" matters if you and he love and want to please each other. But he may not be able to figure that out on his own, without your helping him see if the change in sex is due to some bigger picture issue.

I know you're already getting the expected "Just leave" "end it now" posts here. If the relationship were 100 percent just about sex, well, leave. But if you live together, you do love each other, have things in common, have built a life based on more than sex--right? Don't trash that instantly as a knee-jerk reaction to sexual issues (though DCUM loves to tell people that sex is everything, and we should instantly dump even a committed relationship if sex isn't ideal). He may need a complete physical including bloodwork (my own DH had a thyroid issue, easily treatable, that affected his health and his drive). He may need you to be really blunt. He may need to hear, "DD is out--I know it's 3 in the afternoon, but let's go at least make out and see if we end up having sex." He and you may need to try having sex at different times, even in different places, etc. It's worth working on, if you have a relationship that is otherwise positive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For clarity...it has not always been like this. When we moved in together intimacy was nothing like it is now. I have spoken with him also, and I am met with promises to do better and that he is still attracted to me. Outside the bedroom he tells me I am so sexy, and even says things he wants to do with me, and then they just never happen...

I am divorced and yes, I am sorry my child has to be exposed to a break up. I won't live with a man again! That's for sure

Who does what portion of the household work? Who earns what portion of the household income? How does he treat your child?

The only other thing I can think of is that he's got some kind of issues with sex that may stem from a past experience of abuse.

In any case, depending on the quality of the relationship in other areas, you've got to either insist on couples therapy to work this out, or ask him to move out.

Most men are very adept at being BS artists - it's part of the toxic masculinity, the mask they learn to wear very early in the socialization process. Telling women they are sexy, blah blah blah, is all part of that for many men. They know how to get women on the hook, and many of them are just looking for a nurse/purse or a sexual release without concern for what is happening in the body or mind of the woman. It's sad, but it is undeniably true. Not all men, but . . .

i think you're overthinking this. he's lazy, this is working for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For clarity...it has not always been like this. When we moved in together intimacy was nothing like it is now. I have spoken with him also, and I am met with promises to do better and that he is still attracted to me. Outside the bedroom he tells me I am so sexy, and even says things he wants to do with me, and then they just never happen...

I am divorced and yes, I am sorry my child has to be exposed to a break up. I won't live with a man again! That's for sure

It sounds like maybe additional communication ASAP is needed. You've talked with him, which is good, but have you followed up with what you say to us, above? "Outside the bedroom you tell me I'm sexy. You describe things you want to do with me--specific acts! But they never happen. Let's talk about it." Has he: Been through any kind of stressor like a job/career change, family issues with his parents/siblings/exes, other stressors he might not be revealing to you? Have you noticed any changes to his habits or health, is he exercising less, take less interest in things which once interested him? (That last one can be a sign of depression; in men, depression does not always look like "the blues" BTW). Have you asked him why he thinks there's a change in your sex lives? Just asking him to do better or his saying he'll do better aren't enough; getting to "why" matters if you and he love and want to please each other. But he may not be able to figure that out on his own, without your helping him see if the change in sex is due to some bigger picture issue.

I know you're already getting the expected "Just leave" "end it now" posts here. If the relationship were 100 percent just about sex, well, leave. But if you live together, you do love each other, have things in common, have built a life based on more than sex--right? Don't trash that instantly as a knee-jerk reaction to sexual issues [b](though DCUM loves to tell people that sex is everything, and we should instantly dump even a committed relationship if sex isn't ideal).[\b] He may need a complete physical including bloodwork (my own DH had a thyroid issue, easily treatable, that affected his health and his drive). He may need you to be really blunt. He may need to hear, "DD is out--I know it's 3 in the afternoon, but let's go at least make out and see if we end up having sex." He and you may need to try having sex at different times, even in different places, etc. It's worth working on, if you have a relationship that is otherwise positive.

To be clear: she should leave him because he is unemployed, pays no bills, is living in her house off of her hard work, and also (unlike a gigolo who might, at the very least, be expected to perform) using her for pitiful, lazy sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s bad in bed and selfish. This is how most men approach sex. He wants you to do all the work.

Can we not with the "most men" generalizations? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s bad in bed and selfish. This is how most men approach sex. He wants you to do all the work.

Can we not with the "most men" generalizations? Thanks.

OP here. This has not been my experience with most men, which why I am trying to wrap my mind around it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For clarity...it has not always been like this. When we moved in together intimacy was nothing like it is now. I have spoken with him also, and I am met with promises to do better and that he is still attracted to me. Outside the bedroom he tells me I am so sexy, and even says things he wants to do with me, and then they just never happen...

I am divorced and yes, I am sorry my child has to be exposed to a break up. I won't live with a man again! That's for sure

It sounds like maybe additional communication ASAP is needed. You've talked with him, which is good, but have you followed up with what you say to us, above? "Outside the bedroom you tell me I'm sexy. You describe things you want to do with me--specific acts! But they never happen. Let's talk about it." Has he: Been through any kind of stressor like a job/career change, family issues with his parents/siblings/exes, other stressors he might not be revealing to you? Have you noticed any changes to his habits or health, is he exercising less, take less interest in things which once interested him? (That last one can be a sign of depression; in men, depression does not always look like "the blues" BTW). Have you asked him why he thinks there's a change in your sex lives? Just asking him to do better or his saying he'll do better aren't enough; getting to "why" matters if you and he love and want to please each other. But he may not be able to figure that out on his own, without your helping him see if the change in sex is due to some bigger picture issue.

I know you're already getting the expected "Just leave" "end it now" posts here. If the relationship were 100 percent just about sex, well, leave. But if you live together, you do love each other, have things in common, have built a life based on more than sex--right? Don't trash that instantly as a knee-jerk reaction to sexual issues [b](though DCUM loves to tell people that sex is everything, and we should instantly dump even a committed relationship if sex isn't ideal).[\b] He may need a complete physical including bloodwork (my own DH had a thyroid issue, easily treatable, that affected his health and his drive). He may need you to be really blunt. He may need to hear, "DD is out--I know it's 3 in the afternoon, but let's go at least make out and see if we end up having sex." He and you may need to try having sex at different times, even in different places, etc. It's worth working on, if you have a relationship that is otherwise positive.

To be clear: she should leave him because he is unemployed, pays no bills, is living in her house off of her hard work, and also (unlike a gigolo who might, at the very least, be expected to perform) using her for pitiful, lazy sex.

OP here. I didn't want to face this reality...mainly because it is so hurtful, especially when I feel like I have been an excellent partner. He just is not willing to put in the effort on anything anymore, and I can't do it all myself. I don't deserve that, and my child doesn't either. Thank you for the reality check!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s bad in bed and selfish. This is how most men approach sex. He wants you to do all the work.

Can we not with the "most men" generalizations? Thanks.

OP here. This has not been my experience with most men, which why I am trying to wrap my mind around it.

OP, I agree with you that “most men” are not like this. Most men like sex and want to engage in it actively. Find one of those.

[Anonymous]

He’s watching too much porn. That’s the answer. It makes it harder for him to respond and perform with a real life woman.

[Anonymous]

Could you talk to him, adult to adult, and ask him to perform oral? Most men will respond to this when asked directly.