Uncertain future after divorce scares the heck out of me

[Anonymous]

Does your husband have a family home?

[Anonymous]

I gently suggest you work with a therapist and/or a life coach. It's been long enough since your divorce that you should be further away from the feelings you describe - feeling that would indicate you are stalled.

You have the power to create a robust, fulfilling life. Yes, you do. It may not be the life you envision years ago but that is true for more people than not. Working with a counselor or life coach can help you start on the road to realizing a new dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess: you got caught cheating or were cheating and thought you’d end up with AP or that you could do better than your husband.

OP is a man. No woman would say she feels like a "total loser". A divorced female would be on dating sites dating endlessly.

You really think this sounds like a guy?

“I imagined holidays where the kids come home, my spouse and I helping with grandkids, me and my spouse on vacation, our home filled with happiness.”

I definitely think this sounds like a guy. Women express one of two things post-divorce: anxiety over finances, or relief to be out from under the constant stress of an unhappy home (or both). Very, very few women cut and run without trying. Once we're done, we're done.

[Anonymous]

Before divorce, I imagined holidays where the kids come home, my spouse and I helping with grandkids, me and my spouse on vacation, our home filled with happiness.

The description above also sounds like something one describes when these things just magically "happen", i.e. someone else takes care of the details and work.

Sorry OP. Not trying to be a d*ck, and maybe I'm wrong.

As another PP said, you're going to have to power through. Many of us have been there. It'll get better.

[Anonymous]

Yes I have had some of these feelings post divorce. It’s very tough not having the kids on every holiday for sure. And I still sometimes feel sad that I failed at keeping their family intact. But when I do have them, I plan fun trips and get-togethers with friends and family. When I don’t have them, I focus on me. I’ve started dating, I have more time to see old friends, try new activities, etc. You have to be proactive… but it does sound like you could be little depressed. Therapy and Wellbutrin helped me for a while after divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't relate at all. Never dated a man worth marrying. I couldn't even start dreaming of lovely life and marriage. Left two abusive relationship and love living in my apartment alone. Being on my own and not in a messed up relationship is what I have dreamed of a lot of my adult life.

Wow. Dare to dream big!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess: you got caught cheating or were cheating and thought you’d end up with AP or that you could do better than your husband.

OP is a man. No woman would say she feels like a "total loser". A divorced female would be on dating sites dating endlessly.

You really think this sounds like a guy?

“I imagined holidays where the kids come home, my spouse and I helping with grandkids, me and my spouse on vacation, our home filled with happiness.”

I definitely think this sounds like a guy. Women express one of two things post-divorce: anxiety over finances, or relief to be out from under the constant stress of an unhappy home (or both). Very, very few women cut and run without trying. Once we're done, we're done.

Really? I know a ton of women who didn't want the divorce and would take their husbands back in a heartbeat. Life isn't better seeing your kids half the time.

[Anonymous]

I can relate. I didn’t want to divorce but my ex was a serial cheater. I try to worry about only what I can control. I am working hard to set my home up to be the place my kids want to come to (now and when they leave the best). Be as supportive and understanding as you can toward their feelings about the divorce. They will gravitate to you, regardless of whether you live in an apartment or a mansion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess: you got caught cheating or were cheating and thought you’d end up with AP or that you could do better than your husband.

OP is a man. No woman would say she feels like a "total loser". A divorced female would be on dating sites dating endlessly.

You really think this sounds like a guy?

“I imagined holidays where the kids come home, my spouse and I helping with grandkids, me and my spouse on vacation, our home filled with happiness.”

I definitely think this sounds like a guy. Women express one of two things post-divorce: anxiety over finances, or relief to be out from under the constant stress of an unhappy home (or both). Very, very few women cut and run without trying. Once we're done, we're done.

Not women that did something rash or stupid or got caught cheating when they thought they’d never get caught and could have their cake and eat it too.

Those women have lots of regret. Not for their ex-husband as OP demonstrates. Just for themselves and the life they hated when they had it and took it for granted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate. I didn’t want to divorce but my ex was a serial cheater. I try to worry about only what I can control. I am working hard to set my home up to be the place my kids want to come to (now and when they leave the best). Be as supportive and understanding as you can toward their feelings about the divorce. They will gravitate to you, regardless of whether you live in an apartment or a mansion.

I’m sorry. Kids will see for themselves.

OP- describes somebody that wanted the divorce, instigated in some manner (says so)—filing herself thinking single life would be so amazing or facilitating it subconsciously through a failed exit affair that got busted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can relate. I didn’t want to divorce but my ex was a serial cheater. I try to worry about only what I can control. I am working hard to set my home up to be the place my kids want to come to (now and when they leave the best). Be as supportive and understanding as you can toward their feelings about the divorce. They will gravitate to you, regardless of whether you live in an apartment or a mansion.

I’m sorry. Kids will see for themselves.

OP- describes somebody that wanted the divorce, instigated in some manner (says so)—filing herself thinking single life would be so amazing or facilitating it subconsciously through a failed exit affair that got busted.

^ “I went into divorce knowing it would be hard, but I wasn’t expecting to feel this way.”

Regrets. Not sure the reason- but made a rash decision. Likely a midlife crisis and now on the other side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP, you know-you can still have adult kids come home, go on vacations, be involved with grandkids, and have a happy home...without a spouse.

But it is a reality that they will likely come home less often if they need to split limited leave between visiting two parents in different locations (not to mention personal vacations/visits to in-laws, etc)

True and is that worth staying in a miserable marriage for? I assume it was bad if divorce happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced a couple of years ago. Have been extremely uncomfortable from a mental/emotional standpoint since, mostly because my future feels so uncertain.

Before divorce, I imagined holidays where the kids come home, my spouse and I helping with grandkids, me and my spouse on vacation, our home filled with happiness.

With divorce, that idea is no more. I live in an apartment, I see my kids half the time, and I feel so lost. I feel like a total loser. I went into divorce knowing it would be hard, but I wasn’t expecting to feel this way.

Anyone out there experience similar feelings? I don’t know how to get past this and I find myself fantasizing about pre-divorce life, wondering if I made a mistake.

Yes this is very common and a lot of people just don’t say it out loud. I have a few divorced friends and yes it always starts out this way. The shock from the lower standard of living, the shock of not always having the kids, the jealousy of being single at events and parties and seeing married couples, the shock of needing to create a new social circle and social life. It takes a while to adjust. And tbh you will most likely meet someone and remarry in the next few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced a couple of years ago. Have been extremely uncomfortable from a mental/emotional standpoint since, mostly because my future feels so uncertain.

Before divorce, I imagined holidays where the kids come home, my spouse and I helping with grandkids, me and my spouse on vacation, our home filled with happiness.

With divorce, that idea is no more. I live in an apartment, I see my kids half the time, and I feel so lost. I feel like a total loser. I went into divorce knowing it would be hard, but I wasn’t expecting to feel this way.

Anyone out there experience similar feelings? I don’t know how to get past this and I find myself fantasizing about pre-divorce life, wondering if I made a mistake.

"Before divorce, I imagined holidays where the kids come home, MY SPOUSE and I helping with grandkids, ME and MY SPOUSE on vacation, OUR home filled with happiness."

It seems love was there.

[Anonymous]

^ then she’s an idiot for choosing divorce.