What is a "normal" amount of drinking for a mid-30's/early 40's parent?

[Anonymous]

I’m an early-40s parent of young kids and I feel like most people I know in this group fall into one of two camps: heavy drinker (like what OP describes, with most social events revolving around drinking and always drinking multiple drinks in a night) or barely drinks at all.

I’m in the second camp. I drank more pre kids but now it just makes me tired and I feel terrible the next day. I might have a beer or glass of wine, but I’ll nurse it all night. I almost never drink at home. It’s just not worth it.

I also don’t understand how people my age drink do much. Especially with young kids who are not going to let you sleep in the next day. I’ve also noted a lot of people are gaining a lot of weight now that were in my 40s and I think alcohol is a major culprit. I have t changed my diet at all and haven’t gained at all, and I think it’s partly because I don’t really drink. I just don’t think your body can metabolize all the calories in alcohol efficiently at this age (also why it makes you feel so much worse!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I pretty much never drink at home but I enjoy drinking at social events. If these events are only occurring a few times a month I’d like that people are drinking and hanging out, it sounds fun to me. I probably would feel a little tired the next day but it’s not like I’d be getting plastered and staying up until 2 so it would be manageable for me, even with young kids waking up early.

+1

+2.

[Anonymous]

I’m 40 and my husband is 47. Some of our friends drink more than us. We drink as much as we want and we our friends drink as much as they want. It doesn’t bother us what other people do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never been a big drinker and didn't go to a "frat party" type of college. I also grew up in a fairly religious household, so my parents never had a beer after work or a glass of wine with dinner or a bourbon to take the edge off. All that to say, I feel like I don't have a frame of reference for what is normal.

My spouse and I have started hanging out with a new group of parent friends where everything we do seems to revolve around drinking. Trick or treating. Drinking. Afternoon kids soccer game. Drinking. Meet up in the park. Drinking. Hanging out in someone's backyard for the evening. LOTS of drinking. And lots of talk about craft beers and different types of bourbon and mixed drinks. And it feels college-like with people almost bragging about how much they drank the night before or telling exploits of drinking. It's very strange to me.

No one is what I would consider sloppy drunk (like in college... I'd define as puking on the side of the road or dancing on top of a bar, etc.) or is doing anything dangerous (like driving drunk with the kids). But it's definitely more than just nursing one drink for the evening. I just don't understand how they have the stamina to have multiple drinks in one night and then wake up with the kids in the morning and not feel like crap.

Can someone explain this to me?

That's too much for me. But I have a high-pressured job and kids, and the strain of managing all that sober can sometimes feel like too much. I also do my workouts at 05:30am. There's no way I'd be up for that if I were having a few drinks at night. So no. Drinking that often would just derail things for me.

Hanging out with friends on a Friday or Saturday or something, and having a few drinks is fine.

I realize everyone has different levels of comfort with this. So I tend to hang out with people who drink similarly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I pretty much never drink at home but I enjoy drinking at social events. If these events are only occurring a few times a month I’d like that people are drinking and hanging out, it sounds fun to me. I probably would feel a little tired the next day but it’s not like I’d be getting plastered and staying up until 2 so it would be manageable for me, even with young kids waking up early.

+1

+2.

This is me, too. But I’ve seen folks REALLY over imbibe at parties, I’ve spent the night with the toilet about 2-3 times during a particularly rough time (about 2 years), we’ve handed out mini bottles to parents in Halloween. But I rarely drink at home (although dh does nightly) and have ordered water out instead of alcohol. My town definitely has a drinking culture. You just have to decide how hard you want to hit it yourself

[Anonymous]

Drinking at public parks and soccer games seems odd to me. At a party, fire pit gathering or even ToT (which is basically a party in our neighborhood). normal to have alcohol served.
Then again, there was a thread by a mom who accidentally got drunk and threw up at a new neiigjborhs party and one person said her friend group regularly got drunk and vomited—I said any mom group where people are regularly getting drunk to the point of vomiting had a problem and people seemed to disagree with me. So….I guess some people have different standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No doubt, alcohol is a key feature at nearly any and every social gathering among my peers. I think there is a lot of alcohol abuse in upper middle class circles. My neighborhood is full of this - functional alcoholics. I used to partake until my husband went off the deep end and became abusive. The alcohol played a role, for sure. This turned me against it - I won't be judgey per se, but I have no interest in it anymore.

This. I live in a wealthy suburb of Boston & am astonished by the amount of drinking.

I volunteer for a sorority type non profit and they drink A LOT. Some with kids, some without.

My MIL who grew up in New England UMC is now a drunk. She wasn’t when my husband was growing up. Her and my FIL would have parties, social and had great careers. DH and I limit our drinks to once every few months. It’s fine for a lot in their 30s and 40s but know that some of those WILL turn into drunks. It’s just fact. Not all, but yes some.

[Anonymous]

I think the meet up at the park and afternoon soccer game drinking is too much, but otherwise a daily glass of wine or social drinking (including evening back yard meet ups and holidays like trick or treating) is within the normal range for sure.

[Anonymous]

If you have to ask . . ..

[Anonymous]

One massive red flag in parenting drinking culture for me is the implication that we have to drink in order to survive a child-focused activity. Like I think nothing of people having a drink at a nighttime event (like trick or treating or a neighborhood hang out) because that's a normal time to drink alcohol and a typical social setting for drinking. But I feel like when people are breaking out the pinot in the middle of the day at a kid's sporting event or birthday party in a park, it's time to take a step back. Yes, kids can be a lot but we all signed up for this willingly. I don't need a glass of wine simply to survive a kid's soccer tournament.

I think often what is happening is people are actually stressed about the social aspects of gathering with other parents (all the small top, sometimes competitive parents who can be anxiety inducing) and drink to handle that. I've found the better choice is to just be okay with not talking to people or bowing out early if the social stuff is driving me crazy. I have gotten really good at smiling at some intense parent who needs to detail their kids travel soccer training routine for approximately 3 minutes and then finding an excuse to get tf away from them. Kids are a super useful excuse "oh, Larla likes to wander, I better check on her -- great talking to you!" No alcohol needed.

[Anonymous]

There are an amazing number of functional alcoholics. If you in the MC/UMC professional circles, a LOT of people drink very frequently. Happy hour, dinners, brunches, weekend or evening outings, movies, etc. etc. I'm someone who has admittedly consumed too much alcohol from age 20-40. I've severely cut back, like to maybe 2-3 drinks twice a week. But I almost feel as if I cannot attend most social occasions with UMC people because there is always alcohol and the expectation of "drink or you're not having fun". At 40 years old I am too old for that. I love to go on wild vacations, party, dance, go to concerts, etc. but I do not need 5 drinks each occasion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drinking at public parks and soccer games seems odd to me. At a party, fire pit gathering or even ToT (which is basically a party in our neighborhood). normal to have alcohol served.
Then again, there was a thread by a mom who accidentally got drunk and threw up at a new neiigjborhs party and one person said her friend group regularly got drunk and vomited—I said any mom group where people are regularly getting drunk to the point of vomiting had a problem and people seemed to disagree with me. So….I guess some people have different standards.

If they are vomiting they will be drunks and those are their friends. That’s not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 40 and my husband is 47. Some of our friends drink more than us. We drink as much as we want and we our friends drink as much as they want. It doesn’t bother us what other people do.

+1. People really like going through their own baggage around drinking on dcum. What OP described sounds like responsible drinking. Some people drink more or less than I do, they can do what they like and I’ll do what I like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never been a big drinker and didn't go to a "frat party" type of college. I also grew up in a fairly religious household, so my parents never had a beer after work or a glass of wine with dinner or a bourbon to take the edge off. All that to say, I feel like I don't have a frame of reference for what is normal.

My spouse and I have started hanging out with a new group of parent friends where everything we do seems to revolve around drinking. Trick or treating. Drinking. Afternoon kids soccer game. Drinking. Meet up in the park. Drinking. Hanging out in someone's backyard for the evening. LOTS of drinking. And lots of talk about craft beers and different types of bourbon and mixed drinks. And it feels college-like with people almost bragging about how much they drank the night before or telling exploits of drinking. It's very strange to me.

No one is what I would consider sloppy drunk (like in college... I'd define as puking on the side of the road or dancing on top of a bar, etc.) or is doing anything dangerous (like driving drunk with the kids). But it's definitely more than just nursing one drink for the evening. I just don't understand how they have the stamina to have multiple drinks in one night and then wake up with the kids in the morning and not feel like crap.

Can someone explain this to me?

More than one drink all night? The horror. I can easily drink a few drinks over the course of a social event and feel fine the next day. I make sure to eat, drink water, and not go to bed too late. If you feel uncomfortable being around drinking, maybe these aren’t the friends for you.

[Anonymous]

This is going to be a tough place to find balanced advice because this kind of social drinking is super common, and probably more common among the DCUM higher SES demographic.

We have a middle schooler and have encountered it, and frankly, I find it weird and lacking in judgement and juvenile and kind of gross. And I say this as someone who has a drink probably every other night (sometimes two), has friends into winemaking, and have bought a drinking-related advent calendar or two (which is novel but goes largely unused or given away to friends to share). I also say it as an adult who 1.) does not get drunk, 2.) doesn't drink at soccer games or kid parties (or Halloween, but I concede I can see the novelty in carrying around some spiced cider in an easy to walk neighborhood) and 3.) doesn't have friends who make alcohol a big thing.

If you find this distasteful or weird or wrong, that's totally normal and valid. But it may make you seem like the odd narc out among this particular group. My advice would be to distance yourself over time (find a NEW soccer team...there are plenty...this is NOT common among soccer teams, and I've seen a beer or two at a tournament but as a regular thing it's just really weird).

If you think drinking is for adults, in moderation, without being a major part of life, it's totally ok for you to center that in your parent friendships and avoid people who think it's fun and cool to constantly carry around a Yeti with 8 oz of pinot.