Awkward money situation with friend who pretends not to be wealthy

[Anonymous]

WE KNOW YOU HAVE MONEY. It's ok! Don't feel bad!

Well say it. Say it rather than building up resentment (because she's annoying .. not because she has money)
It's worth it to say something, or you'll be letting the relationship die on the vine, when maybe it doesn't need to
Or it may anyway. But at least you tried

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You gently lay a hand on her arm when she's in full spate and you two are alone, lean in and say in your kindest, most sincere voice: "Please don't feel you need to justify your purchases to me, Larla. I'm glad you can buy all this stuff. It makes you happy for you."

Maybe somebody else is jealous around her, and she's afraid of offending everybody.

+1 This is perfect.

-1 If someone said this to me, I’d never make plans with them again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband grew up pretty poor on a farm and will always have a frugal mindset. Our HHI is around 800k (it wouldn’t matter if it were 3m; nothing would change), yet he scours Craigslist and Nextdoor for deals on things like patio furniture because he can’t stomach the idea of buying new. He feels very awkward about large expenditures on things that aren’t strictly necessary.

Your friend may very well not be putting on an act.

Yes. A lot of times even people who have a lot of money still feel compelled to be frugal. Also, speaking of someone who comes from a family with a lot of trusts, you don’t actually know that she has much access to the money. For example, the trust could be written in a way such that the trustee could give them money to buy a house, but not to supplement their social spending. And if they divorce it’s not her money. And if he dies, there’s a good chance it will go directly to the children. So she may actually be trying to be frugal with their marital assets, which is whatever they are earning from their jobs.

[Anonymous]

For all that I theoretically think people should be open about their salaries, I find it tacky (yes, classist of me, but this is an anonymous forum) when people talk about money. So someone saying they bought a house on Nantucket is fine (good for you! enjoy!), but someone calling attention to how expensive houses on Nantucket are, the way your friend is, would bug me, too.

"Bitsy, you can just enjoy having a summer house. You don't have to apologize to us. And come the Revolution, you're getting stuck in a tumbril no matter how guilty you feel about the distribution of wealth, so just hunker down with some swatches while you can."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all that I theoretically think people should be open about their salaries, I find it tacky (yes, classist of me, but this is an anonymous forum) when people talk about money. So someone saying they bought a house on Nantucket is fine (good for you! enjoy!), but someone calling attention to how expensive houses on Nantucket are, the way your friend is, would bug me, too.

"Bitsy, you can just enjoy having a summer house. You don't have to apologize to us. And come the Revolution, you're getting stuck in a tumbril no matter how guilty you feel about the distribution of wealth, so just hunker down with some swatches while you can."

But your last sentence is the kind of thing that makes people want to hide their wealth. Those comments are not necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you really good friends?!

My really good friends would say "yes, b*tch we know you got money, you're buying the appetizers" and move on.

House in Nantucket? "I hope you didn't get too much of a good deal because I am coming to visit next summer so those renos better be NICE!"

New car "damn girl it looks awesome, I don't care if it runs on baby tears. Can you take me for a ride?"

You are making it awkward by responding with awkwardness to her awkward pretending she's middle class.

This is all very funny. OP’s description of her poor awkward friend is funny too, and pretty poignant. This whole thing could be turned into a great sitcom, with people from your free-wheeling bunch and some from OP’s repressed bunch warring over who gets to stay in Nantucket because they are the “real” inner circle. Whoever designed the Grace and Frankie set would need to be involved.

[Anonymous]

I am a wealthy person who lived frugally. I inherited 2M that grew to 4M because I do not touch it and live on my $200K earned income. I know I can’t re-earn what I inherited, so I don’t spend it. I just live within my means. My friends do not know how much money I have. OTOH they have done well
Over time and some of them are probably now richer than I am. We never talk about it. We are all just friends.

[Anonymous]

It might be her way to make sure everyone understands that she can't be footing the bill for all of the things that you do together. She's happy to pay her part, but she can't spend her DH's money on you all.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who does this. Her parents passed away over 8 years ago but she still refers to their money as taken from “the estate” when she or her husband buy a car, take a European trip or some other big ticket item. The money is hers so there is no parental estate any more. We alternate covering the check for lunch and sometimes she will ask me to cover it that time because “money is tight right now”. What she means is that she doesn’t want to have to transfer any money from savings into her checking account. She has other endearing qualities so I don’t hassle her about it but it is annoying because money is NOT tight for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a wealthy person who lived frugally. I inherited 2M that grew to 4M because I do not touch it and live on my $200K earned income. I know I can’t re-earn what I inherited, so I don’t spend it. I just live within my means. My friends do not know how much money I have. OTOH they have done well
Over time and some of them are probably now richer than I am. We never talk about it. We are all just friends.

It's hard to "not talk about it". We are quietly better off than most of our friends group and don't "talk about it", but when we take an expensive vacation or buy a new car there's no way they don't know. And yes, when you hear them talk about other people that "don't have to worry about money" and the likes, you do get to feel like you are justifying, especially when you didn't grow up with money. It gets complicated.

[Anonymous]

I’ve only seen this with people that did not directly earn the money they are spending; it was inherited or acquired through marriage or from an unexpected windfall such as winning the lottery.

[Anonymous]

We pretend to not be financially stable (used that wording b/c we're not wealthly, but very well off compared to friends"). If I was honest about not having to work at our age and paying cash for cars and vacations, it would not go over well.

Friends ask "What interest rate are you paying on your house?" Well, we paid that off a decade ago answer will not go over well. I just lie. Trust me, friends, even great ones, aren't happy for you. Even if you worked for it and there is no inheritance or trust fund.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We pretend to not be financially stable (used that wording b/c we're not wealthly, but very well off compared to friends"). If I was honest about not having to work at our age and paying cash for cars and vacations, it would not go over well.

Friends ask "What interest rate are you paying on your house?" Well, we paid that off a decade ago answer will not go over well. I just lie. Trust me, friends, even great ones, aren't happy for you. Even if you worked for it and there is no inheritance or trust fund.

I don’t volunteer financial information but if someone was to ask me about my mortgage, I wouldn’t lie about not having one. Same with being full pay at private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a wealthy person who lived frugally. I inherited 2M that grew to 4M because I do not touch it and live on my $200K earned income. I know I can’t re-earn what I inherited, so I don’t spend it. I just live within my means. My friends do not know how much money I have. OTOH they have done well
Over time and some of them are probably now richer than I am. We never talk about it. We are all just friends.

It's hard to "not talk about it". We are quietly better off than most of our friends group and don't "talk about it", but when we take an expensive vacation or buy a new car there's no way they don't know. And yes, when you hear them talk about other people that "don't have to worry about money" and the likes, you do get to feel like you are justifying, especially when you didn't grow up with money. It gets complicated.

The house, cars and private schools are a dead giveaway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pretend to not be financially stable (used that wording b/c we're not wealthly, but very well off compared to friends"). If I was honest about not having to work at our age and paying cash for cars and vacations, it would not go over well.

Friends ask "What interest rate are you paying on your house?" Well, we paid that off a decade ago answer will not go over well. I just lie. Trust me, friends, even great ones, aren't happy for you. Even if you worked for it and there is no inheritance or trust fund.

I don’t volunteer financial information but if someone was to ask me about my mortgage, I wouldn’t lie about not having one. Same with being full pay at private school.

So if everyone is sitting around having drinks at the end of a hard work week and you're the one person not struggling, and asked, you would just say "yeah, sucks to be you?" That's how it feels to me coming from a family with very little. If people are struggling with mortgage payments, say your best friend, you just say "well I don't have a mortgage" and let it be?