Awkward money situation with friend who pretends not to be wealthy

[Anonymous]

I am very close with four friends from college. One of the friends married a very wealthy guy from a well-known family.
My friend has always been great: kind, down to earth, etc. The guy is too! And we're all happy for her -- they have money! Fine. It wouldn't be a thing at all, except...
I think in a misguided attempt to relate, or maybe some weird guilt, she bends over backward to appear relatable to the point that it's uncomfortable.

Examples:
They just bought a large summer place on Nantucket. "Oh, the only reason we got it is because it's so old, the plumbing is a mess, we got a massive deal." (The house is a mansion and not a deal by anyone's standards.)

At dinner, she scrutinizes the bill and says things like, "Only getting one cocktail, need to cut down on our restaurant budget." Last week her husband was posting photos from Per se.

She also spent ten minutes justifying the purchase of a fancy new car by saying it was actually more cost-effective due to some convoluted mileage algorithm that she was trying to explain.

It's like: WE KNOW YOU HAVE MONEY. It's ok! Don't feel bad! This is becoming a pattern and a central feature of our interactions. As a good friend would it be...ok to say something? Insulting? Anyone had this happen?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like SOMEONE is making her feel like she needs to justify these purchases. Maybe next time this happens, if you are in private, you can say, "Hey Sarah, I've noticed that you spend a lot of energy justifying purchases like the Nantucket house or the new car. I think it's great that you and Sam can afford stuff like that, and it's really not a big deal to me. Is someone else making you feel bad about these things?

Also, even wealthy people have budgets. Maybe they ARE trying to reduce their restaurant spending. Maybe her husband was opposed to the car purchase and this was how she justified it to him. You don't know everyone's financial situation in detail.

[Anonymous]

Just ignore, why does it even matter to you?

[Anonymous]

She sounds very insecure.

[Anonymous]

You gently lay a hand on her arm when she's in full spate and you two are alone, lean in and say in your kindest, most sincere voice: "Please don't feel you need to justify your purchases to me, Larla. I'm glad you can buy all this stuff. It makes you happy for you."

Maybe somebody else is jealous around her, and she's afraid of offending everybody.

[Anonymous]

"It makes me happy for you" sorry for the typo!

[Anonymous]

Maybe she reads the posts on DCUM in which supposedly wealthy people are besieged with demands for handouts and free rides by their loved ones and friends.

[Anonymous]

Dh does this and it drives me nuts. He grew up real middle class with a dad who at times worked 3 jobs. He is very uncomfortable with the idea of our wealth. I was asking advice on a trip we have planned to a friend who used to live in that country and another friend asked when we were going. Dh piped in with a "yeah but we got a great deal on the flight so that's why we are going". Someone says something about a new car "well we got a good trade in on our old one".

I've told him to stop trying to justify our expenses but i think hes just really insecure with the idea of people thinking /knowing we are wealthy.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to respond or address in any way?

This is not an 'awkward money situation.' It's not a situation. Just ignore or mmhmm, or whatever. No biggie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just ignore, why does it even matter to you?

+1 I’m in a similar situation as your friend. I grew up solidly middle class, though, and still think about money as such. Old habits die hard. And there might be a touch of guilt for having so much just by virtue of marrying into it. I wouldn’t necessarily assume she’s consciously trying to pretend anything.

[Anonymous]

I would give them a little grace. It’s obviously a coping mechanism. I’m in a similar situation and friends make jokes/comments when I disclose certain things we’ve done, and it makes me feel totally uncomfortable. (“Oh so fancy!” “Will you ever take us there??”). To be clear it’s not me bragging about anything, but something that’s blatantly obvious to everyone else like places we go, organizations were members of, etc.

[Anonymous]

I know people like this. They are insecure and worry that if they are seen enjoying their wealth it will be viewed as bragging/arrogance and people won’t like them any more.

Having money is like any other form of good fortune. Accept it will make some people dislike you, and choose not to care. Find people who like you for you, and hold onto them. All the posturing and downplaying in the world won’t make it better. Just stop giving af.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You gently lay a hand on her arm when she's in full spate and you two are alone, lean in and say in your kindest, most sincere voice: "Please don't feel you need to justify your purchases to me, Larla. I'm glad you can buy all this stuff. It makes you happy for you."

Maybe somebody else is jealous around her, and she's afraid of offending everybody.

This. Do it discreetly and kindly.

Also ignore the trolls saying why does it matter and it's not your business. They are just miserable people who post nasty messages on an anonymous board trying to make people feel as bad as they already do. This is a friend. Of course we care about friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ignore, why does it even matter to you?

+1 I’m in a similar situation as your friend. I grew up solidly middle class, though, and still think about money as such. Old habits die hard. And there might be a touch of guilt for having so much just by virtue of marrying into it. I wouldn’t necessarily assume she’s consciously trying to pretend anything.

+
Me too. It’s weird and I can’t explain it but I feel the same.

[Anonymous]

Oh god, I do this too. I'm the only successful person in my family, so I'm constantly downplaying to them. They are openly nasty to me about any spending, ("of course she has to stay at a bougie hotel" when I visit their town instead of doing the air mattress thing, etc). I bet I do this to my own friends too, even the ones who are better off than I am. It's not modesty, it's trauma.