Awkward money situation with friend who pretends not to be wealthy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you really good friends?!

My really good friends would say "yes, b*tch we know you got money, you're buying the appetizers" and move on.

House in Nantucket? "I hope you didn't get too much of a good deal because I am coming to visit next summer so those renos better be NICE!"

New car "damn girl it looks awesome, I don't care if it runs on baby tears. Can you take me for a ride?"

You are making it awkward by responding with awkwardness to her awkward pretending she's middle class.

This is all very funny. OP’s description of her poor awkward friend is funny too, and pretty poignant. This whole thing could be turned into a great sitcom, with people from your free-wheeling bunch and some from OP’s repressed bunch warring over who gets to stay in Nantucket because they are the “real” inner circle. Whoever designed the Grace and Frankie set would need to be involved.

[Anonymous]

I am a wealthy person who lived frugally. I inherited 2M that grew to 4M because I do not touch it and live on my $200K earned income. I know I can’t re-earn what I inherited, so I don’t spend it. I just live within my means. My friends do not know how much money I have. OTOH they have done well
Over time and some of them are probably now richer than I am. We never talk about it. We are all just friends.

[Anonymous]

It might be her way to make sure everyone understands that she can't be footing the bill for all of the things that you do together. She's happy to pay her part, but she can't spend her DH's money on you all.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who does this. Her parents passed away over 8 years ago but she still refers to their money as taken from “the estate” when she or her husband buy a car, take a European trip or some other big ticket item. The money is hers so there is no parental estate any more. We alternate covering the check for lunch and sometimes she will ask me to cover it that time because “money is tight right now”. What she means is that she doesn’t want to have to transfer any money from savings into her checking account. She has other endearing qualities so I don’t hassle her about it but it is annoying because money is NOT tight for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a wealthy person who lived frugally. I inherited 2M that grew to 4M because I do not touch it and live on my $200K earned income. I know I can’t re-earn what I inherited, so I don’t spend it. I just live within my means. My friends do not know how much money I have. OTOH they have done well
Over time and some of them are probably now richer than I am. We never talk about it. We are all just friends.

It's hard to "not talk about it". We are quietly better off than most of our friends group and don't "talk about it", but when we take an expensive vacation or buy a new car there's no way they don't know. And yes, when you hear them talk about other people that "don't have to worry about money" and the likes, you do get to feel like you are justifying, especially when you didn't grow up with money. It gets complicated.

[Anonymous]

I’ve only seen this with people that did not directly earn the money they are spending; it was inherited or acquired through marriage or from an unexpected windfall such as winning the lottery.

[Anonymous]

We pretend to not be financially stable (used that wording b/c we're not wealthly, but very well off compared to friends"). If I was honest about not having to work at our age and paying cash for cars and vacations, it would not go over well.

Friends ask "What interest rate are you paying on your house?" Well, we paid that off a decade ago answer will not go over well. I just lie. Trust me, friends, even great ones, aren't happy for you. Even if you worked for it and there is no inheritance or trust fund.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We pretend to not be financially stable (used that wording b/c we're not wealthly, but very well off compared to friends"). If I was honest about not having to work at our age and paying cash for cars and vacations, it would not go over well.

Friends ask "What interest rate are you paying on your house?" Well, we paid that off a decade ago answer will not go over well. I just lie. Trust me, friends, even great ones, aren't happy for you. Even if you worked for it and there is no inheritance or trust fund.

I don’t volunteer financial information but if someone was to ask me about my mortgage, I wouldn’t lie about not having one. Same with being full pay at private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a wealthy person who lived frugally. I inherited 2M that grew to 4M because I do not touch it and live on my $200K earned income. I know I can’t re-earn what I inherited, so I don’t spend it. I just live within my means. My friends do not know how much money I have. OTOH they have done well
Over time and some of them are probably now richer than I am. We never talk about it. We are all just friends.

It's hard to "not talk about it". We are quietly better off than most of our friends group and don't "talk about it", but when we take an expensive vacation or buy a new car there's no way they don't know. And yes, when you hear them talk about other people that "don't have to worry about money" and the likes, you do get to feel like you are justifying, especially when you didn't grow up with money. It gets complicated.

The house, cars and private schools are a dead giveaway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pretend to not be financially stable (used that wording b/c we're not wealthly, but very well off compared to friends"). If I was honest about not having to work at our age and paying cash for cars and vacations, it would not go over well.

Friends ask "What interest rate are you paying on your house?" Well, we paid that off a decade ago answer will not go over well. I just lie. Trust me, friends, even great ones, aren't happy for you. Even if you worked for it and there is no inheritance or trust fund.

I don’t volunteer financial information but if someone was to ask me about my mortgage, I wouldn’t lie about not having one. Same with being full pay at private school.

So if everyone is sitting around having drinks at the end of a hard work week and you're the one person not struggling, and asked, you would just say "yeah, sucks to be you?" That's how it feels to me coming from a family with very little. If people are struggling with mortgage payments, say your best friend, you just say "well I don't have a mortgage" and let it be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You gently lay a hand on her arm when she's in full spate and you two are alone, lean in and say in your kindest, most sincere voice: "Please don't feel you need to justify your purchases to me, Larla. I'm glad you can buy all this stuff. It makes you happy for you."

Maybe somebody else is jealous around her, and she's afraid of offending everybody.

This. Do it discreetly and kindly.

Also ignore the trolls saying why does it matter and it's not your business. They are just miserable people who post nasty messages on an anonymous board trying to make people feel as bad as they already do. This is a friend. Of course we care about friends.

Oh my god, if you really care about your friend, OP, do not do what the PP suggests. “Gently lay a hand on her arm...” I really hope that post is a joke.

Ok, OP doesn't have to gently lay a hand on her arm or lean in or make it sappy. But a discrete "Larla, it's fine. I'm glad you're happy," between friends might set both of them more at ease. +1 for making it light hearted like the PP suggested about how you'll still come and visit so it better not be too run down.

[Anonymous]

Yep, we have friends who both come from very wealthy families, Washington-famous in one case. They are *constantly* talking about Costco runs, needing to tighten their belts, giving up the cleaning lady to save money. Meanwhile they live in a multi-million dollar house, go on VIP trips, kid is in private school, etc etc. Someday I just want to ask them who do they think they are fooling by constantly pleading poverty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pretend to not be financially stable (used that wording b/c we're not wealthly, but very well off compared to friends"). If I was honest about not having to work at our age and paying cash for cars and vacations, it would not go over well.

Friends ask "What interest rate are you paying on your house?" Well, we paid that off a decade ago answer will not go over well. I just lie. Trust me, friends, even great ones, aren't happy for you. Even if you worked for it and there is no inheritance or trust fund.

I don’t volunteer financial information but if someone was to ask me about my mortgage, I wouldn’t lie about not having one. Same with being full pay at private school.

So if everyone is sitting around having drinks at the end of a hard work week and you're the one person not struggling, and asked, you would just say "yeah, sucks to be you?" That's how it feels to me coming from a family with very little. If people are struggling with mortgage payments, say your best friend, you just say "well I don't have a mortgage" and let it be?

I said that I don’t volunteer the information but if someone asks me about my mortgage, I will tell them the truth If someone is being nosey about my financial info, they should be able to handle it. I grew up in a family of humble means and my parents taught me that there is nothing wrong with making an honest living and living within your means.

[Anonymous]

I have a mutual friend who lives out of town and her local friend here lives in a $4 mil house in McLean.

When the mutual friend was in town we visited the McLean friend. I was told that the McLean friend was a little uncomfortable with me seeing her house (because I’m not rich?).

Yep, it’s a big house. Nice appliances in the kitchen. Some of the furniture looked shabby. But it is a large house.

I was mostly appalled that she was uncomfortable with me (the apparently poor person) seeing her house.

*That* was awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a mutual friend who lives out of town and her local friend here lives in a $4 mil house in McLean.

When the mutual friend was in town we visited the McLean friend. I was told that the McLean friend was a little uncomfortable with me seeing her house (because I’m not rich?).

Yep, it’s a big house. Nice appliances in the kitchen. Some of the furniture looked shabby. But it is a large house.

I was mostly appalled that she was uncomfortable with me (the apparently poor person) seeing her house.

*That* was awkward.

Yikes, yes.