People without kids

[Anonymous]

This may spark some sort of debate, but I've been thinking about this a lot lately, as I feel surrounded by older childless women at work. They're great ladies, but I have to admit that something does seem missing in their lives:

Do you honestly think a person can really know true love without having kids?

I'm not saying that all parents are happy and loving and good parents, but I can't help but feel that life would be incomplete and not as meaningful without kids. I only have 1 child, so it's not like I feel all women ahould be surrounded by a group of kids a la Angelina Jolie, but when thinking of the holidays and talking of retirement/old age and what life is really all about - isn't it about kids and experiencing that bond?

I work in a nonprofit that does do good for the world, so it's not like these women are doing something unworthy - they're great and devote themselves to these causes.

[Anonymous]

I think about the same things. Not just at work. My older brother, who I love very much, is married to someone who really has no interest in kids (and frankly is probably not one destined for parenthood so this is a good decision all around). But I feel badly for my brother and for anyone for that matter who would not know that extreme love and fullness of heart. It does sound judgmental I know (go ahead, pounce!) but I can't help it. I guess I never knew I would have kids (have two babies, both terrific!!) and now that I do, I can't imagine life without. Sure its crazy at times, but my husband and I live much fuller, meaningful lives with our children than we would without. I guess, maybe it doesn't matter what you're missing until you know you are missing it??

[Anonymous]

There are many completely fulfilled and happy childless couples. Just because we (myself included) do not wish to imagine life without our kids, doesn't mean others (who are childless) are not equally or more satisfied with their lives. Some people truly do not have a desire for children, and should not be parents, and this is OK in my book. I do think it is unfortunate that the childless are often considered "odd" or are looked down on for bucking convention. The world takes all types, and I don't think those who are childless by choice want or deserve to be pitied.

[Anonymous]

I totally agree. As cheesey and un-feminist as this sounds, my life wasn't complete until I had my DD -- now I feel like I know what it really means to be happy (not all the time of course, but so much happier than I was without baby).

My older sister has decided not to have kids (for too many reasons to explain here), and she and her DH have gone so far as to join a group called "No Kidding" for people who are "child-free" (not "childless"). Both she and her DH are very sensitive when people ask them when (not "if") they're going to have kids.

The hard part for me is that I think she'd be a great mom (she dotes on her cat endlessly), and she's not very happy with her life as it is (even though she's professionally pretty successful). I so want to say to her, "Have children -- it will make you happy!" but I know I can't do that because I have to respect her decisions. It's actually been very hard for her to see me change after having our baby, and I know she feels like we're growing apart, but I'm not sure how to stop it...Like the 12:42 PP said, I think she might be seeing what she's "missing" and is having a hard time with it.

[Anonymous]

Just like your taste for clothes and books and food is different from others, so is your measure of "happiness"

I can't imagine life without my daughter, but do I think childless people are missing something? No, not unless they do. Different strokes for different folks

[Anonymous]

I have a relative who calls parents "breeders," and is generally hostile about kids in restaurants, strollers clogging up the sidewalks etc and I worked with some militantly child-free people. I used to be one of them. God, did I hate the mommies and those urban assault strollers on the Metro and in the city. Now here I come with mine, watch your toes pissed off commuter people!

There are many people who just don't want children and I can't blame them. I mean my kids enrich my life but they are HUGE time, energy, emotional and financial commitment. But I know my childless sister feels some regret that she never had kids, especially since our parents lavish so much attention on the grandkids. But she does take some kick-ass vacations, has a great wardrobe and a flat stomach!

[Anonymous]

I have a very good friend who has never had children and doesn't seem to be missing anything in her life. We were talking one day about the choices we make in life and she said something that I thought was very wise ... she said there are 3 types of relationships out there -- friends, family and a spouse and that if you have 2 out of 3 you are doing better than most and actually very well indeed.

[Anonymous]

Not everyone desires to be a parent and that is okay. So much of life is what you make of it. Having my son (and now expecting our second) has been more wonderful than I would have ever imagined. Even though I cannot fathom life without our little guy, I'm confident I would have had a full and interesting life if my husband and I were not able to have children. Yes, it would be a very different life than what we have, but a worthwhile and fulfilling one nonetheless. Whatever path you choose (or if circumstances are such that children are not part of the picture), just be at peace with your life and make the most of it.

Interestingly, I've been stunned by the generosity of the two 50-something women in my office who never had children: they not only gave me incredibly generous and thoughtful shower gifts but continue to regularly inquire about my son and ask for the latest photos. And, we have conversations about many non-child related subjects, which I welcome as well. They both seem genuinely happy.

[Anonymous]

I also have a friend who decided not to have kids and I'm happy that we grew up at a time where her parent/society would pressure her to have kids she doesn't want. I can't imagine life without DS and DH and I are looking forward to spending the rest of our lives in his charming company. But a good analogy is that everyone has different ideas of what makes their life meaningful. DH and I wanted to climb Mt. Killimanjaro and visit all 7 continents before we die. Climbed the mountain (camping for a week...yuck) and we still have to go to Antartartica. LOTS and LOTS of people couldn't care less about climbing anything or visitng any continent other than ours. We don't think them deficient for not wanting to travel, but do recognize that they prioritize their lives in different ways. Childless (or childfree) people just decided to prioritize their lives differently. They are not unhappier than us, but happy in a different way.

[Anonymous]

LOL on this one. I love my kids more than anything, we spend all our time with them and love it. I can imagine life without kids since I lived that way for over 30 years and life was in no way meaningless. Having kids and raising them the way we want also meant giving up my old lifestyle which was great. Kidless couples have alot of advantages that couples with kids don't have anymore. Travel, time to think, time to read, engage with other adults, pursue career interests and a general sense of freedom in life is much more attainable without kids. I really respect and sometime envy the life that kidless couples have even though I wouldn't trade my kids for anything.

While I agree the type of unconditional love you have for kids is not matched by anything, it isn't the only life defining experience. Kidless couples seem to be able to achieve a sense of peace, comfort with their own identity and life, and interest in the world that is hard to get to while running after little ones. I also miss the fearlessness and freedom I had as a single person regarding trying new things, travel to exotic places, being able to pick up and move across the country for a new job opportunity.

Its really rude IMO to tell people they should have kids or they are missing something. Its also rude to tell people with one kid that they must have two. BTW we do have two but what works for us doesn't work for everyone.

Our parents generation had alot of pressure to have kids and I know a few people whose parent's really resented the loss of freedom. I think its great that couples are acting responsibility and decided to have kids because they really want them not because they fear regret or others think they should have them.

I laughed at the No Kidding group and non-kid perspective about parents taking over places. We're guilty of a few meltdowns in restaurants, dirty looks on planes, and hogging the sidewalk with a stroller. I don't hold anything against those getting annoyed, I also don't care too much about them since I'm more focused on my kids

[zumbamama]

True, childless women may not know the great love you experience when you become a mom. The ones at my office joke at me about being under ball and chain to my family and how they could not do without their "me time" and bars and lazy mornings as they stroll to happy hour... (I am the only mom in my office full of women) I joke back that their childlessness is just natural selection...survival of the fittest. Us moms are the ones who will create the future of our country, while the childless women will leave the world without a bloodline to carry on. But I think it's better if not all women have kids...we would be crazy over-populated if they did.

[Anonymous]

I was genuinely happy without children and did not have a burning need to have a child. It was very important to my husband to have one, so we did. Now, of course, I can't imagine life without our son and have thrown much of my soul into being a mom. I don't regret a thing. Still, had we chosen not to build a family, I'm convinced I would have continued to lead a happy life filled with other passions.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I talk about this all the time. Here is our "opinion". Without children, you can not possible know or understand unconditional love. There is nothing like it in the world. Fortunatley for those who decide not to, or can't have children, you do not know what you are missing. You can not miss something you have never felt. They feel they are living as full a life as those with children. I really thought I loved my dogs as much as I would love any child. Ha, was that a joke. I did love my wonderful dogs, and treated them well, but they were not children and the difference to me was quit clear the second my first child entered the world. Had I never became a mother, I might of gone thru life loving my dogs, husband and extended family, thinking life was as good as it gets. I did not know the feeling of child love to miss it. Like I stated first, just my opinion.

[Anonymous]

I think it is terribly ignorant to think that a person has to have a child to be happy.

I was perfectly fine without children. I decided sort of last minute (late in life) to have one because it worked out well for us. But I was very happy with my husband, work, romantic travel, and life and we both agreed that if we didn't succeed in getting pregnant within a couple of years that we would just not have kids.

Saying that you have to have a child to feel true love is as silly as saying that all women fall in love with their baby as soon as they are born (I did, but I know many women who didn't at first. Read Brooke Shields' "Down Came the Rain"). These sorts of expectations forced on people cause more harm than good. Post partum depression, anyone?

I'm glad if you like the way you live, but forcing your beliefs on others is a little too Nazi for me.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem to assume all these women are childless by choice. They may have really wanted children but were unable to have a biological child and are with a partner who would not adopt. I know several couples who were in this position. You post strikes me as self-righteous. We're not all so great just because we're lucky enough to be parents. Let other people live their lives and don't worry about it.