DH is lazy and does nothing and I am so sick of it!
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Anonymous
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My DH is a really nice guy. I love him and for the most part he is nice, easy going, etc. He never ever yells or says anything nasty. To me those a positive points b/c I know a lot of DH's who yell and are controlling. But my DH DOES NOTHING. I ask him clean off the deck and he says "OK, I will" and then 2 days later he has done nothing. I keep asking (nicely) and then a week goes by. 2 weeks. Nothing. He just says "I will get to it." But he never does. He is always absorbed in watching movies, or on is iPad. Our house needs SO MUCH work and he doesn't think so and makes NO effort to improve anything. he is not much of a handyman, but scoffs at me if I suggest we hire a someone to do some work. I get estimates, but he refuses to pay.
Please don't suggest therapy b/c he "does not believe in therapy" and refuses to go. Apparently his whole family is against therapy. They had a family member who went to therapy and they claim that he "got worse" from the therapy. Anyway, I end up DOING everything around the house -- cleaning, cooking for me and my daughter (I don't cook for DH), picking up, washing and cleaning dogs, walking dogs, watering plants, doing laundry, dishes, etc. I do so much! He does little to nothing. How can I get him to help? We have had MANY sit downs and discussions where I have explained I need him to be a co-parent, a partner in life and to help 50/50. He says he understands but then does nothing to change. He says he will change, he agrees but then there is no action and he continues to watch movies and iPad. Please help me motivate my DH to want to help, or want to fix the house, or clean something!! I work full time, take care of our DD and the entire house. What do I do???? I am not the kind of person who can just let the house go, like let dishes pile up, or let the trash stink just to show him I am not going to do everything. First of all, he doesn't care if the house is a mess, I think he prefers it, actually. |
Anonymous
| Seems like a lazy guy. Suck it up, or leave him. Sadly, there are many men like him, usually spoiled by their parents. |
Anonymous
OP here, yes actually his parents STILL buy him stuff and spoil him and it drives me insane! I guess that is the root of the problem. But it's been his whole life, so how can it ever change? |
Anonymous
| Seems like leaving him would be the only way to scare him into action. |
Anonymous
| You are enabling. Don't wash his clothes, dishes or take care of the bills. He is a child. |
Anonymous
| He is an adult with a family and responsibilities. He isn't living with mommy and daddy anymore and those special snowflake days and prizes for just existing are long gone. He needs to understand that he needs to earn his keep. Meet expectations or he is out, with an eager replacement to take his place! |
Anonymous
It doesn't. The two options have been presented to you: Leave him or live with it. Literally. And if you choose option 2, quit your bitching. |
Anonymous
| It sounds to me like he's made it very clear where he stands: he will help if, when, and how he feels like it, and that appears to be virtually never. You can stay with him and be a single mom with a live-in sex partner who pays half the bills, or you can leave him and take a financial hit, but not have to watch your supposed partner do nothing while you scramble to keep a house running. |
Anonymous
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Sadly, this is true. If you keep bugging him, you will end up with option 1.
Why don't you all eat common food? Do you have joint $? Why does he get veto power over hiring handymen? How does he function otherwise? Do ok at work? Have some long time friends he keeps up with? For some people it could be adult ADD. Electronics are almost addicting for them. Or he could just be an escaper. I'd frame the discussion about the house as - can we agree that X, Y and Z need to be done? If so, who should do them? If he says he will, ask him to set a timeframe. Say that you don't want to nag so if he doesn't do it by then you will hire someone. Re: house stuff, hire a cleaner and a mother's helper a few evenings per week. Automate bills. Hire a dog walker and a service to pick up the poop in the yard. Split the costs of the help if that is how you do $. If he balks, then ask which things he is going to do and how he is going to remind himself since you don't want to nag. Maybe he could set an alarm on his Ipod. But you need to have his agreement on the goals, and he needs to volunteer his level of participation, you then say what happens if he doesn't do it. Like you'd do with a roommate or coworker. He is pulling you into acting like the mean mommy and in my case it was a short slide to no sex, resentment and divorce. Together you have more $ to outsource. I have none and he hasn't gotten less lazy or more responsible. A friend and her family do things regularly outside of the home together, sometimes with other families where the dad steps up more. She said it really reduces the friction over electronics and when they have fun playing together it seems to make DH more apt to do his share. She also lavishly praises and gives out bjs, her husband has gotten really into housework she claims. |
Anonymous
| how long has your husband been depressed, op? |
Anonymous
| OP, the details sound so familiar. Even the not cooking for DH. Did you post a while back? |
Anonymous
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Also, is DD his daughter?
It would have been a lot easier if you had recognized his laziness before getting pregnant. |
Anonymous
No, he isn't a nice guy/ Nice guys help their wives because their wives work damn hard as it is. Motivate him? Huh? Maybe we can have him watch Chris Farley talking about living in a van down by the river. Tell him to grow up and stop behaving like an eighteen year old. |
Anonymous
| Why has not one suggested a chore chart? When one person is feeling resentful because they are doing it all, it is time to draw up a list of everything that needs to get done each week, chorewise, and split equitably. Note that I do not say evenly. That's what we do. We drew up a list of chores by difficulty/time required and split them up, with each person getting some easy chores and some more time-consuming chores. Then we switch on a weekly basis. (We don't switch until each person has finished their list.) Sometimes we don't accomplish everything within the week and it goes 10 days. But it's pretty fair. Our DC is now old enough to get 1/3 of the list. Makes for less griping. Just do it. |
Anonymous
| Are you a SAHM, OP? Not knocking it at all (I was one myself for a few years), but I noticed that many of my SAHM friends have husbands who think that because their wives stay at home, household chores/duties are entirely out of their domain. Can you find out how your husband feels...and then try to find a way to show him how much you do/how little a break you get? |