DH is lazy and does nothing and I am so sick of it!

[Anonymous]

OP works full time.

OP, you mentioned that he doesn't believe in therapy. Do you go to a church? Perhaps you could talk with the minister? Or do you have friends with DHs who are involved partners and dads? Maybe he could use some good role models?

[Anonymous]

I could have written this post. I've realized that my DH isn't lazy, he just cannot prioritize, he is easily distracted, so while he intends to sit down and watch a movie- it turns into spacing out for 6 hours. While he intends to "do it later" it never gets done because he gets distracted by video games, movies, or napping.

What helped was not nagging, but reminding him by making a list of things and putting it on the fridge. "Here's a few things I need you to do, you don't have to do it now, but I need your help". When he would do something, I'd make a really BIG deal about it by thanking him and being appreciative. I'd cross it off the list, and add the next thing. We also had calm and loving conversations about how I need him help, and then I'd remind him of times he said he would help and it never got done- I admit, this didn't really help, it just made me feel better. But the first strategy helped.

I also got him some vitamins that are good for people with ADHD. He takes them happily, though he'd never go to therapy or take meds. Cal/Mag/Zinc + b6 + Fish oil caps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the details sound so familiar. Even the not cooking for DH. Did you post a while back?

NP here. I started a similar thread a while back and I identify 100% with OP (except my spouse has yelling and anger issues too). To answer your question Im guessing this is a new poster in a situation just like mine.

OP no advice but I totally empathize. I don't think people change. I'm trying to adapt to my situation but not going so well. Lots of fights and resentment.

One question: why do you not cook for your husband? In my case it's that he's ultra picky and generally only eats out. Or nachos and other junk when home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine this is new behavior. My guess is that OP has known all along that this is the same person she married and decided to have a child with. Somehow she thought she'd inspire him or he'd eventually get bored with the video games or some magic would transform him into a real man, not some lazy teenager. What kills me is the shock, anger and frustration.

OP-YOU CHOSE HIM!

this. men are not projects. op is a loser mom.

You're a bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine this is new behavior. My guess is that OP has known all along that this is the same person she married and decided to have a child with. Somehow she thought she'd inspire him or he'd eventually get bored with the video games or some magic would transform him into a real man, not some lazy teenager. What kills me is the shock, anger and frustration.

OP-YOU CHOSE HIM!

this. men are not projects. op is a loser mom.

You're a bitch.

No, actually, I'm not. But OP sure sounds like one. You do, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAHM, OP? Not knocking it at all (I was one myself for a few years), but I noticed that many of my SAHM friends have husbands who think that because their wives stay at home, household chores/duties are entirely out of their domain. Can you find out how your husband feels...and then try to find a way to show him how much you do/how little a break you get?

I no doubt will create a storm here, but, if one spouse stays at home, that spouse should take care (whether doing it himself or herself or arranging others to do so) of most of the chores/duties. Sorry, once the kids are in school, one has 20-30 hours a week to do stuff. That is the deal. This allows the spouse who works outside the home to be more agggresive with his or her career, while the other spouse handles the home front. Nothing wrong with this. We have had multiple nannies and cleaners over the years, and they took no more than 4-5 hours to complete a thorough basic cleaning of the house.

The OP WORKS FULL TIME you stupid, illiterate bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine this is new behavior. My guess is that OP has known all along that this is the same person she married and decided to have a child with. Somehow she thought she'd inspire him or he'd eventually get bored with the video games or some magic would transform him into a real man, not some lazy teenager. What kills me is the shock, anger and frustration.

OP-YOU CHOSE HIM!

this. men are not projects. op is a loser mom.

But women think they are. "he will change after we get married" - famous last words.

OP, this seems harsh but I think there is an important lesson embedded in it. If your DH has not changed, it will take a BIG CHANGE to shift the dynamics of the relationship. You've taught him how to treat you. I say, stop doing everything for him. Cook and clean your own things. Stop washing his clothes and leave his spaces a mess. When he gets sick of it, renegotiate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would get a job in the evenings. Let HIM take care of the child. Use YOUR money to pay for the things you want.

This is why I was always afraid to be a SAHM.... As much as it appeals to me, I think it creates a very unequal power dynamic in the marriage.

I must have missed something. How is staying at home relevant to this discussion? OP never said she was a SAHM.

because he refuses to pay for a handyman which suggests that she can't pay and is relying on him to pay. Personally, his little IPAD would have a little water accident but that's just me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAHM, OP? Not knocking it at all (I was one myself for a few years), but I noticed that many of my SAHM friends have husbands who think that because their wives stay at home, household chores/duties are entirely out of their domain. Can you find out how your husband feels...and then try to find a way to show him how much you do/how little a break you get?

I no doubt will create a storm here, but, if one spouse stays at home, that spouse should take care (whether doing it himself or herself or arranging others to do so) of most of the chores/duties. Sorry, once the kids are in school, one has 20-30 hours a week to do stuff. That is the deal. This allows the spouse who works outside the home to be more agggresive with his or her career, while the other spouse handles the home front. Nothing wrong with this. We have had multiple nannies and cleaners over the years, and they took no more than 4-5 hours to complete a thorough basic cleaning of the house.

The OP WORKS FULL TIME you stupid, illiterate bitch.

then why isn't she paying for the services (handyman etc) and asking for his permission to do these things?!?!?!?! Problem solved. OP you are a push over and you have all these crazies who thing SAHM is a cuss word ready to attack if anyone asks why you aren't just handling things on your own. A bunch of crazies.....

[Anonymous]

OP just hire the handyman and don't give him the option to object. I'm a pragmatic person. If DH wants to do it and we save money, great! If he doesn't do it, I simply say that I'm hiring someone now and I don't care what it costs. DH has until the cancellation window for the appointment to get it done, if not it gets outsourced.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in a similar situation and would like to know what happened. Anyone else?

[Anonymous]

Does all of this shit need to be done? Sounds like a first world problem. He should do half of what needs to be done. You should do 100% of the stuff you want done that isn't necessary.

[Anonymous]

Turn off the wifi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why has not one suggested a chore chart? When one person is feeling resentful because they are doing it all, it is time to draw up a list of everything that needs to get done each week, chorewise, and split equitably. Note that I do not say evenly. That's what we do. We drew up a list of chores by difficulty/time required and split them up, with each person getting some easy chores and some more time-consuming chores. Then we switch on a weekly basis. (We don't switch until each person has finished their list.) Sometimes we don't accomplish everything within the week and it goes 10 days. But it's pretty fair. Our DC is now old enough to get 1/3 of the list. Makes for less griping. Just do it.

NP. I made a chore chart based on DH's order/suggestion. He ignored it. He didn't want to do the chores be ause he was busy or disnt feel feel like it.

OP, how long have you been married?

[Anonymous]

00:44 again. Your Dh sounds like mine. Mine does absolutely nothing. He will fix a couple things thru the year and clean the living room every 3 months when/if we entertain.