How do courts rule when one parent is overly controlling (BPD/NPD) and harassing?
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Anonymous
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My ex wants our agreement to include 32 pages of language about communication plans, frequency of emails, how fast I must respond to his every email / phone call, he must approve any and all babysitters I elect and may contact them to inquire about the care they provided, mandates that we share childcare providers, restricts who can be around our kids when at my home, it's ridiculous and I'm certain a judge would never insert this much language into a court ruled case. I'd like to settle with an agreement out of court, but won't be to abide with this much intrusiveness and extension of his controlling behavior from the marriage into the divorce.
Once divorced, in theory, what should two parents have left to discuss, other than the schedule and the health of the children? I would like to only communicate with him via email or text to maintain low-contact, and then only when a change to the schedule is made or if the children are ill or having an emotional issue. That is reasonable and a judge would agree, yes? |
Anonymous
| Not divorced, but if you think that's all you will need to communicate about, you're in for an eye opening. You have education - what schools your kis will go to, tuituin, tutoring, elective classes in school,extracurricular activities. You have social issues - can your kids go to certain parties, how late can they stay out, when do they get a cell phone. Religion issues. Whose going to cover care on school days off. Babysitters and other caregivers. The list goes on and on. Really, all the stuff you care about when it comes to raising kids has to be communicated about whether you're divorced or together. |
Anonymous
Op ignore hater PP. she who is not divorced meant to agree with you. All that is left is care of the kids and $. My practice was in MD. For the my judges recognized crazy and handled it accordingly. (crazy included but was not limited to Opposing parties, their counsel, my client etc...) You can always just tell him you are going to request a seperate advocate for the kids. Then that poor person can deal with him. Hang in there you only have to talk to him until the 18 yr mark. Though I would definitely go for support until college was done. |
Anonymous
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How do you request a separate advocate for the kids? What does that entail?
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Anonymous
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Um, are you saying that you want to handle the divorce yourself? Get your ass into a lawyer's office RIGHT NOW. You're mistaken in thinking that the divorce brings an end to anything. You should lock in right now things like...oh, I don't know, all of the things your ex will bully and punish you over for the next lifetime. I made sure (thanks to a LAWYER) to put things in place that would erase headaches far into the future---driver's license, international travel, etc. My kids are little babies, but I had the opportunity and the expertise (THANKS TO A LAWYER), so I took advantage of it and locked things in with the divorce agreement. Jesus, now is not the time to be passive. Borrow money, go to one of those clinics, do whatever you can do to get advice from a solid, experienced lawyer. |
Anonymous
First of all, I strongly agree with PP that you should consult a lawyer. This is probably the single most important negotiation you'll face in your lifetime, you don't want to do it alone. Your ex is (presumably) out to get you -- you better be prepared. In any case, yes, I do think some of the terms your ex is proposing are unreasonable (reviewing baby sitters etc). At the other hand I think it's a good idea to document in detail things like communicating schedule, frequency etc. I guess my point is: the proposed terms may not be reasonable, but the idea to document the heck out of everything IS. Good luck, and please consider talking to lawyer... |
Anonymous
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a friend just went through this with her ex. He most definitely falls in the NPD category. They settled out of court but each with legal representation. He tried to bully her into doing this without lawyers, but she got smart and hired an experienced lawyer. Worth every penny when you're dealing with crazy.
As for dealing with your STBex, minimal engagement. Email response time has a 24- hour window. If he starts spewing nonsense, just write back, "ok" and hit send. Keep a log of EVERY email, phone call and text. Put them in a binder organized by month. My friend has found this to be invaluable. |
Anonymous
| Oh yes. I'm the former Fam. Atty again. Go get good counsel. Clinics are fine too. If can't remember how to request an child advocate in MD. I just had one in a case when I arrived. |
Anonymous
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OP here. I do have counsel, very good counsel recommended by several on this board and in the Top List by the Washingtonian.
I'm just asking because counsel always demurs when I ask about what the judges will rule, citing their capricious natures. I would hope that any judge listening to my crazy ass ex would immediately see that he is just hell bent on not letting go of whatever flimsy control he can hang onto and on punishing me for having the audacity to leave him - -with his checklist of compliances that he expects me to agree to. I won't settle for that kind of restrictive settlement and I don't want the judge to form an opinion of me that I'm cantankerous or unwilling to be reasonable when I go to court because I wouldn't sign such a ridiculous document. |
Anonymous
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OP--glad to hear that you have a good lawyer. Your lawyer can't make any promises or predictions about how a judge will respond to your ex. He/She demurs when you ask because to do otherwise would be poor practice. It will always be a gamble when you go before a judge. That's why you want to get as much settled out of court. Keep yourself grounded. It's okay to refuse to negotiate on crazy things like screening sitters and who is in your home.
Hang tough with your crazy ex. |
Anonymous
| Former Fam atty here again. Good with counsel. Don't even deal with ex. Ask your atty what you have to talk to him about and. Stick with it. Also make sure your counsel is asking him for your attorneys fees. If he is really behaving badly a judge could very well award your counsel cost to him. |
Anonymous
| I don't know where you live, but most judges just deal with the basics such as visitation, schedule, etc. I think only if something is extraordinary ( substance abuse, paramours staying overnight) do they get more deny silted. They are certainly not going to be as detailed as an agreement. They aren't mediators. For me, I wanted as much detail and "micromanaging" as possible since my husband was such a liar and manipulator. We negotiated terms (taking kids to Hebrew School, having to agree on extracurricular activities before signing up) that my lawyer said a judge would never order. So, I guess it depends on what your husband can prove to make a judge deviate just from ordering a schedule. |
Anonymous
| Pp here- wtf? Deny silted? I meant to say " more detailed. " |
Anonymous
Np here. Can you elaborate? I'm going through now and I did think of int'l travel, but driver's license? What else did your agreement include. I am aiming to get support through college, an annual contribution from him to the college funds, cost of living increases every two years, him paying to meet the health insurance deductible every year and me having the final say on health and education issues that cannot be agreed upon. What else am I missing? I am represented but I want to be certain that the attorney doesn't leave something out that I later wish I had negotiated. TIA! |
Anonymous
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to PP--visitation during holidays, vacations and birthdays. Also include childcare costs as well as what would trigger a re-negotiation of terms and how it would be handled. The idea is that you don't want him dragging you to court every time he wants to change a minor thing. This also protects him as well from you doing the same.
Not sure if you'll get cost of living increases. The assumption is that both of your salaries will continue to increase over time. You may just need to lock into a monthly payment. |