How do courts rule when one parent is overly controlling (BPD/NPD) and harassing?

[Anonymous]

What is the custody arrangement? Who has residential and legal custody? Does he have a diagnosed personality disorder?

Your ex wants to control every detail - should you have to do that - nope.. The problem with NOT putting it in is that it gives him total freedom to do completely as he pleases while the kids are with him without informing you of anything. He may get a babysitter / visitor he knows you wouldn't like just to get back at you etc...or he will take a week to reply to your email contact then say that you didn't want to set a reasonable reply time so he can reply as he pleases.

I would include clear visitation, holidays, transportation, and trips out of state. I have seen restrictions about who else can live in the home - when a parent is concerned about the character of people the other parent is exposing their children too.

Is there a reason why he is being vindictive? If you had an affair and are leaving him for another man that your kids will be around all the time then some of his 'demands' make more sense - coming from a place of pain rather than a simple desire to control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the custody arrangement? Who has residential and legal custody? Does he have a diagnosed personality disorder?

Your ex wants to control every detail - should you have to do that - nope.. The problem with NOT putting it in is that it gives him total freedom to do completely as he pleases while the kids are with him without informing you of anything. He may get a babysitter / visitor he knows you wouldn't like just to get back at you etc...or he will take a week to reply to your email contact then say that you didn't want to set a reasonable reply time so he can reply as he pleases.

I would include clear visitation, holidays, transportation, and trips out of state. I have seen restrictions about who else can live in the home - when a parent is concerned about the character of people the other parent is exposing their children too.

Is there a reason why he is being vindictive? If you had an affair and are leaving him for another man that your kids will be around all the time then some of his 'demands' make more sense - coming from a place of pain rather than a simple desire to control.

Those with narcissistic or borderline personality disorder don't need a reason other than they are not getting their way. My friend's ex was the one who left, yet he is trying to control every aspect. He can't stand the fact that she isn't cow-towing to his every whim like she did during their marriage. Folks with NPD are a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the custody arrangement? Who has residential and legal custody? Does he have a diagnosed personality disorder?

Your ex wants to control every detail - should you have to do that - nope.. The problem with NOT putting it in is that it gives him total freedom to do completely as he pleases while the kids are with him without informing you of anything. He may get a babysitter / visitor he knows you wouldn't like just to get back at you etc...or he will take a week to reply to your email contact then say that you didn't want to set a reasonable reply time so he can reply as he pleases.

I would include clear visitation, holidays, transportation, and trips out of state. I have seen restrictions about who else can live in the home - when a parent is concerned about the character of people the other parent is exposing their children too.

Is there a reason why he is being vindictive? If you had an affair and are leaving him for another man that your kids will be around all the time then some of his 'demands' make more sense - coming from a place of pain rather than a simple desire to control.

Those with narcissistic or borderline personality disorder don't need a reason other than they are not getting their way. My friend's ex was the one who left, yet he is trying to control every aspect. He can't stand the fact that she isn't cow-towing to his every whim like she did during their marriage. Folks with NPD are a nightmare.

Oh I know, I was just trying to figure out if he actually is BPD/NPD or if he is acting controlling in this situation for another reason? I wasn't sure if he had the diagnosis or if OP just is calling him that. Someone who has been completely betrayed can act a little irrational and controlling and temporary look like someone with a personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

OP here... he cheated on me multiple times. I finally left when he assaulted my teenager. I never cheated on him during our marriage. Like PP said, he just wants to keep the control (perceived) that he had during the marriage and wants to make my life miserable as much as possible as my "punishment" for having the audacity to leave him. Plus for him I think it's almost worse that I left him for NO ONE, that's how BAD he was to live with. I'd rather be alone than with him... that would make him feel almost more rejected than to be scorned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:to PP--visitation during holidays, vacations and birthdays. Also include childcare costs as well as what would trigger a re-negotiation of terms and how it would be handled. The idea is that you don't want him dragging you to court every time he wants to change a minor thing. This also protects him as well from you doing the same.

Not sure if you'll get cost of living increases. The assumption is that both of your salaries will continue to increase over time. You may just need to lock into a monthly payment.

Thanks!

To the Op, I feel your pain! My STBex has NPD too. And you are SO right when you say they want to "punish" you for leaving them. The rejection is unbearable for someone with NPD. I think the courts recognize bully behavior when they see it. My attorney commented that one of STBex's court pleading screamed "angry bully" when he read it. FWIW I wouldn't detail an agreement down to time frames for replying to emails. Let him try hauling you back into court for every little thing, the judge will get sick of him and order him to pay your attorney's fees. That'll put an end to that crap!

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'm divorced. You discuss more than the schedule and health. You discuss homework, extracurriculars, permossions slips, choice of summer camp and when the child is older, curfews, getting rides with teen drivers from parties, to name a few. Discipline between two homes. (It's classic for a child to act out before a transition, to try and duck a consequence.) Contact with your children when they're at his house, especially if the child doesn't have a cell phone. International travel. Passport renewal. Domestic solo travel.

Oh and the teen years are tough.

What do you mean, the judge will rule? You mean sign off on the agreement? It's not a hearing, is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former Fam atty here again. Good with counsel. Don't even deal with ex. Ask your atty what you have to talk to him about and. Stick with it. Also make sure your counsel is asking him for your attorneys fees. If he is really behaving badly a judge could very well award your counsel cost to him.

Do tell

[Anonymous]

How old does a kid need to be before her/his wishes come into account?

If OP's ex assaulted the kid (presumably it wasn't a case of "kid wrecked the car, dad asked a question, kid was all fuck you old man I do what I want bitch") then surely that is something that could be a factor in deciding custody.

Yeah I know someone resurrected the thread.