Should I contact birth child?

[Anonymous]

Many many years ago I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. I gave her up for adoption. Fast forward 20+ years: I married and have a family now. About 7 years ago, when i was newly married, my birth-child tried to contact me (through the adoption lawyer). At that time I was not in a place to think about THAT and I refused, but told the lawyer to tell the birth-child that everything is fine, we're a healthy family, I was just newly wed and not ready to have contact with her at that time.

Now I see she is on FB (i know her name). Should I send a FB msg saying I am ready/willing to talk/answer questions now- or when she is ready? Or is that too weird? She's in her late 20s now.


PS the adoption attorney has since passed away and the office is closed.

[Anonymous]

I think that would be ok, though you should be prepared for the worst.

[Anonymous]

Hmmmm.

Well it could go like-

"Wow, I am so glad you contacted me. I've been wanting for you to reach out to me."

or

"Fuck you. You gave me up, and then I try to reach out and you tell me about your happy new family and you don't want to talk to me"

Be prepared for either, or something in the middle.

[Anonymous]

That would probably be ok, but like the other poster said, be prepared for the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many many years ago I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. I gave her up for adoption. Fast forward 20+ years: I married and have a family now. About 7 years ago, when i was newly married, my birth-child tried to contact me (through the adoption lawyer). At that time I was not in a place to think about THAT and I refused, but told the lawyer to tell the birth-child that everything is fine, we're a healthy family, I was just newly wed and not ready to have contact with her at that time.

Now I see she is on FB (i know her name). Should I send a FB msg saying I am ready/willing to talk/answer questions now- or when she is ready? Or is that too weird? She's in her late 20s now.


PS the adoption attorney has since passed away and the office is closed.

No, you should not. She has her life now so leave her alone. If you have IMPORTANT medical information, then contact an attorney and let Atty. send info to her. Leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Give it a try. She has already reached out to you which demonstrates her interest and willingness.

[Anonymous]

You certainly could, but be prepared for it to be a bad time for her, just like it was a bad time for you when she tried to contact you last time.

[Anonymous]

I would give it a try.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you take the time and find out her phone number or address instead of sending a FB message. I think a letter would be the best and most thoughtful approach. If you wrote something sincere, she is more likely to take you seriously, after you blew her off the second time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you take the time and find out her phone number or address instead of sending a FB message. I think a letter would be the best and most thoughtful approach. If you wrote something sincere, she is more likely to take you seriously, after you blew her off the second time.

+1

[Anonymous]

You could send her a private message letting her know that you received her inquiry years ago and at that time werent ready, but you are now, and that if and when she's interested that you are available to answer her questions, and give her your contact info. Good luck to both of you. You did a very selfless thing by giving her up for adoption and if you proceed with that same selflessness moving forward it will be ok.

[Anonymous]

I would 100% not do it through Facebook. THat's just....well, awful.

she contacted your through a third party, which may have been her only avenue, but still it provided a measure of distance. After turning her away once, I think you owe her the courtesy of not showing up in her inbox, but rather again a more formal, third party contact.

[Anonymous]

That could have been me (almost 28 now, adopted as a newborn) and I would like my birth mother to contact me so I could find out more of my background. However, I have no intentions of having her in my life and would not respond well to the fact that I got a brush-off after trying to contact her. You have to realize that it probably took her YEARS of gathering up courage and putting away resentment and pride to try to contact you and you refused just because it wasn't convenient for you. You have once again treated her like an inconvenience in your life that you just didn't have time/room for. Her reaction will have more to do with her personality than with whatever you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could send her a private message letting her know that you received her inquiry years ago and at that time werent ready, but you are now, and that if and when she's interested that you are available to answer her questions, and give her your contact info. Good luck to both of you. You did a very selfless thing by giving her up for adoption and if you proceed with that same selflessness moving forward it will be ok.

+ 1 (from an adoptee).

[Anonymous]

I think that reaching out is more important then the method of reaching out. While I agree with some of the prior posters that there may be more personal ways to go about it then FB don't let over analyzing those options or trying to run down addresses or find the right words desuade you or delay you from reaching out to her. Obviously you turned her down twice already so be prepared for anything but also be prepared that an initial response is not necessarily the long term response (as it was not with you yourself) so be prepared to stick it out. Don't delay any more, as you already know circumstances can change signficantly in a short period of time without you knowing about it (the lawyer died and his office closed). Do it now.