S/O Losing respect for friend who is on her second (that I know of) affair
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Anonymous
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Friend is a SAHM, has never really worked, has 2 kids both in elementary school and in camp all summer. Money is not a problem for her, she is always dressed to the nines, regular at the gym, shops a lot, etc. I make no secret of coveting her set up, as I am a working mom not by choice (though I love my career) and even with 2 incomes money is tight.
Her first affair I really tried to not judge. She was certain he was The One. The one she was really supposed to be with, etc. She said there were "signs" everywhere. Talked about leaving her husband for this guy. But then several months ago she got back in touch with another old flame, and began a sexual and emotional relationship with him too. Now he is The One. But she's still in contact with Affair No. 1 and wonders when she will see him again, when he will call her again. I don't get it. And now I'm just annoyed to the point I don't want anything to do wtih her anymore, but I'm her confidant. I don't want to be her confidant. She told me her little boy started to cry and ask why she was so short with them all the time and why she was always away. I hate her for doing this to them, and while I know you never really KNOW someone else's marriage, her husband is by all accounts a good, hardworking guy who is a good father and a good husband. And she could not care less about him. No guilt whatsoever, just keeps insisting she "can't live her life for someone else" and "he'll be ok." What do I do? |
Anonymous
| Is it wrong to wish that a total stranger gets found out, gets no alimony because she's cheating, and loses her kids to the ex-husband? Because that's what I'm feeling right now. I don't blame you for disliking your friend, OP. Ugh. |
Anonymous
OP here. It's hard to believe her husband doesn't know. This has been going on for 2 years now. |
Anonymous
| He probably does know and either is okay with it or is planning his way out. I would definitely paint her a clear picture of what her life will be like after a divorce. She will have to go to work (might be a huge shock to her system) and not get any alimony either. |
Anonymous
| You be an adult and tell her exactly what you told us here anonymously in a way that spares her feelings as much as possible, because you are her friend. Explain that you are having a very hard time with her behavior and you are worried about her kids and her future life. |
Anonymous
| I don't have respect for any of this lady's decisions: the combo of SAH/dressed to the nines/always at the gym/shops a lot. Ugh. I would not have been friends with this person to begin with. And if I were the first affair would have put me over the top and I woudl have distanced myself. I wouldn't even have gotten to the 2nd one, sorry. I don't think I respect any of this lady's life choices. She sounds childish and selfish. She needs to grow up and possibly also get a job. |
Anonymous
+1 But only because you don't need friends like this - sounds like she lacks empathy for others (i.e., is either a narcissist or sociopath). Tell her how you feel, and if she never speaks to you again, so be it. She = dysfunction, dysfunction, dysfunction! |
Anonymous
| OP here - the thing is this woman is not someone I would befriend as an adult. We've been friends since childhood. But we're very, very different people and I can only take her in small doses. And as of late not really at all. |
Anonymous
| Now that you are an adult, you can behave like one. Distance yourself and when she asks why, you can simply tell her that you are not comfortable being friends with someone who has no qualms about cheating on her husband. That's it. |
Anonymous
| I believe in situations like this the person in question has a personality disorder and mental health issues. The complete lack of empathy and the narcissism...it's astounding.. |
Anonymous
OP here. I think there must be something, because her reaction to my "what about your husband and kids" has been pretty chilling. The only emotion she shows is in a "why doesn't he love me" way with Affair No. 1 and what can she do to get Guy No. 2 to stop dating the (single) woman he's been seeing. I've suggested she see a therapist and she scoffs at the idea saying she doesn't need therapy. |
Anonymous
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If I were you, I would distance myself from the relationship. From my own experience, part of the titillation of having an affair is sharing it with someone else and reliving it by talking to a confidant. If she was expressing any kind of remorse for her actions, actively working on repairing her relationship with her husband, or divorcing him, I would probably stay in contact with her if we were close, long-time friends and this happened only once. However, the fact that she's a serial cheater who seemingly has no empathy and no interest in improving her situation--other than the excitement of the affairs--leads me to believe that you're also being manipulated by her. You're her sounding board and the means by which she gets to re-experience her affairs, over and over.
I had an affair over ten years ago, and it was the catalyst for my divorce (no children), although, not the sole reason. My ex-husband and I saw a therapist as a couple and individually. Even though we chose to divorce, the therapy helped both of us, and we're better marital partners for our second spouses. I was truly troubled by my infidelity, and therapy taught me to recognize my vulnerabilities and patterns, so I would not repeat the behavior. While you're certainly not required to, if you're interested in helping her and her family, be honest with her and advise her to seek professional help for the welfare of all involved. Her actions, whether her husband knows about the affairs or not, could potentially devastate her children. If her response demonstrates that she's not interested in improving her life and protecting the emotional well-being of her children, I would stay away from her. Really, you don't need that kind of secret tainting your own life. It's a burden and not one you need to carry. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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11:58 here. Ugh. I missed your last most about suggesting therapy. She's in a fog, OP, and she probably won't do anything until her secrets are revealed, and it all comes crashing down on her. Maybe, she'll try to break her patterns after that, maybe not.
I'd stay away from her. The burden should be on her shoulders, not yours. Sorry. |
Anonymous
OP here - thanks, I think you're right. It's really been weighing on me and I think about it and worry about it a lot. |
Anonymous
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I barely have time to have sex with my own husband. I can't imagine making the time to have sex with two other men.
She is broken OP. Stay away. |