S/O Losing respect for friend who is on her second (that I know of) affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked at the number of people that give up on friendships here. I mean, you can choose not make new crazy friends, but I would never give up on a friend I've had since childhood. That's just as bad a character flaw as having an affair in my book. If your friend is really hurting and damaged and you were really her friend then I would try to help.

Sometimes helping is enabling though. Doing the work of a good friend means listening, supporting, and also pushing back and gently helping your friend realize when they are going down a bad path, or at least what you percieve is a bad path. But it sounds like this woman is delusional. Sometimes it takes losing everything and hitting rock bottom to snap out of it and make real changes to becoming a better person.

A true friend may bail at this stage, as long as she comes back with this woman loses everything (if that happens). I don't get the feeling this woman will change until some shit hits the fan, and that hasn't happened yet. If it does, OP can always help her pick up the pieces, but staying around now does seem like it is enabling and causing stress to OP. Who wants to be in on an affair? Doesn't a good friend care about her friend's husband and children? Maybe ditching her now means she is looking out for them.

[Anonymous]

OP, just stop being her friend and can the judgment. I'm a woman who has multiple affairs, and it is truly none of your business (or any of my so called friends' business either). I don't judge my friends' choices, why should my friends judge mine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just stop being her friend and can the judgment. I'm a woman who has multiple affairs, and it is truly none of your business (or any of my so called friends' business either). I don't judge my friends' choices, why should my friends judge mine?

The idiot friend shouldn't be confiding in OP, then obviously

[Anonymous]

PP may get to the root of it. It doesn't sound like the friend having the affair was anguished in most, or maybe any, of these cases. If they are not a friend in need, they should keep their mouths shut. Telling a friend, especially one who knows and might even socialize with the husband, about an affair, just puts them in an awkward situation. It's almost the telling, rather than the affair per se, that is offensive. If you are having a good time and keep it to yourself -- and let's say I find out 10 years after the fact -- I wouldn't necessarily judge. If you make me a co-conspirator in an ongoing thing, I'm going to judge.

[Anonymous]

Just to clarify, the good time thing doesn't improve my opinion. I meant only that I wouldn't have a problem with a genuine friend coming to me if she was shattered about anything, even an affair. But if she's having a good time, there's no good reason to share, and a lot of reasons not to share.

[Anonymous]

3 years from now, this phase might be over and you will be glad you didn't speak up or do anything rash. Try to wait it out for another year or so before doing anything drastic.

I ditched friends like her years ago, and now I have very few friends and I deeply regret being so judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Get rid of her.

Why is this a dilemma?

Anonymous wrote:Friend is a SAHM, has never really worked, has 2 kids both in elementary school and in camp all summer. Money is not a problem for her, she is always dressed to the nines, regular at the gym, shops a lot, etc. I make no secret of coveting her set up, as I am a working mom not by choice (though I love my career) and even with 2 incomes money is tight.

Her first affair I really tried to not judge. She was certain he was The One. The one she was really supposed to be with, etc. She said there were "signs" everywhere. Talked about leaving her husband for this guy. But then several months ago she got back in touch with another old flame, and began a sexual and emotional relationship with him too. Now he is The One. But she's still in contact with Affair No. 1 and wonders when she will see him again, when he will call her again.

I don't get it. And now I'm just annoyed to the point I don't want anything to do wtih her anymore, but I'm her confidant. I don't want to be her confidant. She told me her little boy started to cry and ask why she was so short with them all the time and why she was always away. I hate her for doing this to them, and while I know you never really KNOW someone else's marriage, her husband is by all accounts a good, hardworking guy who is a good father and a good husband. And she could not care less about him. No guilt whatsoever, just keeps insisting she "can't live her life for someone else" and "he'll be ok."

What do I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now that you are an adult, you can behave like one. Distance yourself and when she asks why, you can simply tell her that you are not comfortable being friends with someone who has no qualms about cheating on her husband. That's it.

I agree with this. Just distance, distance, distance yourself!

Also do it to protect yourself. You really don't want to be part of any fallout of this sort of behavior.