Closed Adoption and found the birth mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a cousin who was contacted by an adoptee through a genealogy DNA site. I had no clue. Luckily I didn't have any identifying info on the site(made up user name and throw away email). In any event, I just didn't respond. However, I have other cousins who have their actual names listed.

Curious- why wouldn't you want to know that person?

Because she doesn't want to know me other than to get contact info for my cousin (her bio mom). That's not my place to do that.

[Anonymous]

Why hasn't anyone who actually put a baby up for adoption commented on this thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why hasn't anyone who actually put a baby up for adoption commented on this thread?

Maybe someone already has but didn't identify themselves. It is an incredibly personal thing even on an anonymous internet forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I guess we'll have to disagree on this. I don't think the birth parent gets to decide on behalf of the adoptee that the adoptee will maintain his/her birth as a secret. The good news is that modern technology being what it is, people should now understand that the person they are placing for adoption might come back later, and add that fact into their decisionmaking.

NP

You are talking about different spheres of information.

And adopted person should not be made to keep their birth a secret. They should not have to keep the fact that they were adopted a secret. But whether a specified, particular woman gave birth to a child is information that belongs to that woman.

I'd argue that similarly, whether a given child was born to a particular family is their information, not the family's. So if it got down to it, for example, if your father was a mass murderer, you should have privacy and control over the fact you -- an identified person -- were born to him. The family shouldn't be able to "out" you if you have chosen not to reveal that information.

1000% agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a cousin who was contacted by an adoptee through a genealogy DNA site. I had no clue. Luckily I didn't have any identifying info on the site(made up user name and throw away email). In any event, I just didn't respond. However, I have other cousins who have their actual names listed.

Curious- why wouldn't you want to know that person?

Because she doesn't want to know me other than to get contact info for my cousin (her bio mom). That's not my place to do that.

Fair enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's see here.

Closed adoption.

Birth mother adamant she not be contacted.


I don't see any reason for misunderstanding here.

Your sister needs to leave them all alone.

+100000. The birth mother gave her child up with a legal document protecting her identity and this needs to be respected. The fact OP's sister outed her to various family members is horrible. No wonder they don't want anything to do with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's see here.

Closed adoption.

Birth mother adamant she not be contacted.


I don't see any reason for misunderstanding here.

Your sister needs to leave them all alone.

+100000. The birth mother gave her child up with a legal document protecting her identity and this needs to be respected. The fact OP's sister outed her to various family members is horrible. No wonder they don't want anything to do with her.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, your sister should see a counselor experienced in adoption issues. Her feelings are clouding her judgement.

[Anonymous]

The only people who's opinions should count are the birth family's and the adoptee. No one else. Not the adoptive family and certainly not the random general public who have no idea or experience about adoption and couldn't possibly fathom what it's like to have placed a child or be adopted. Everyone else is talking out of their ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only people who's opinions should count are the birth family's and the adoptee. No one else. Not the adoptive family and certainly not the random general public who have no idea or experience about adoption and couldn't possibly fathom what it's like to have placed a child or be adopted. Everyone else is talking out of their ass.

Like the woman who chose to give up her child for adoption, closed the adoption, didn’t want to be contacted, but had her family contacted (instead of her), regardless?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's see here.

Closed adoption.

Birth mother adamant she not be contacted.


I don't see any reason for misunderstanding here.

Your sister needs to leave them all alone.

+100000. The birth mother gave her child up with a legal document protecting her identity and this needs to be respected. The fact OP's sister outed her to various family members is horrible. No wonder they don't want anything to do with her.

+1

+1,000,000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are 100% on whatever side my sister is on, so they're saying the same thing my sister is saying. My sister thinks there's no right to privacy in this new age with DNA tests. It was a closed adoption but my parents always told my sister she was adopted and were open with her.

I don't blame my sister for wanting a second family. We have awesome parents and family, but who wouldn't want to see what their genetic mom and siblings are like? My sister wants to know everything- medical questions, what they look like, their family stories.

I sort of don't see this story ending well for anyone involved.

This would be the ONLY valid reason to breach privacy in such an egregious manner. As a research scientist, I hope that genetic information can be conserved in a database for parents giving up their children for adoption, and made available to these children should they ever wish to know about their genetic burden.

We are on the cusp of the age of personalize medicine, where your personal risk of developing certain diseases will be better known and where you will be able to protect yourself against many of them simply by changing your lifestyle or taking preventative treatment. Say you have DNA testing done, and the doctor tells you as a child that your risk of colon cancer is high. You could stop eating red meat and other inflammatory foods and lower your risk of colon cancer significantly, instead of eating a typical diet and finding out you have colon cancer at 40.

My cousin has a rare genetic disease where she can't process copper, and started having severe neurological symptoms in her late teens which completely derailed her college years. Had this been tested for and caught early on, she would never have had to suffer any symptoms, since there are medications and diet changes to correct this.

In the future, adopted children with no family health history will be at a marked health disadvantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are 100% on whatever side my sister is on, so they're saying the same thing my sister is saying. My sister thinks there's no right to privacy in this new age with DNA tests. It was a closed adoption but my parents always told my sister she was adopted and were open with her.

I don't blame my sister for wanting a second family. We have awesome parents and family, but who wouldn't want to see what their genetic mom and siblings are like? My sister wants to know everything- medical questions, what they look like, their family stories.

I sort of don't see this story ending well for anyone involved.

This would be the ONLY valid reason to breach privacy in such an egregious manner. As a research scientist, I hope that genetic information can be conserved in a database for parents giving up their children for adoption, and made available to these children should they ever wish to know about their genetic burden.

We are on the cusp of the age of personalize medicine, where your personal risk of developing certain diseases will be better known and where you will be able to protect yourself against many of them simply by changing your lifestyle or taking preventative treatment. Say you have DNA testing done, and the doctor tells you as a child that your risk of colon cancer is high. You could stop eating red meat and other inflammatory foods and lower your risk of colon cancer significantly, instead of eating a typical diet and finding out you have colon cancer at 40.

My cousin has a rare genetic disease where she can't process copper, and started having severe neurological symptoms in her late teens which completely derailed her college years. Had this been tested for and caught early on, she would never have had to suffer any symptoms, since there are medications and diet changes to correct this.

In the future, adopted children with no family health history will be at a marked health disadvantage.

shouldn't they soon be able to read that information from the adoptees DNA rather than their family history?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only people who's opinions should count are the birth family's and the adoptee. No one else. Not the adoptive family and certainly not the random general public who have no idea or experience about adoption and couldn't possibly fathom what it's like to have placed a child or be adopted. Everyone else is talking out of their ass.

Like the woman who chose to give up her child for adoption, closed the adoption, didn’t want to be contacted, but had her family contacted (instead of her), regardless?

Obviously, as the birth mother. As I said, the birth mother and the adoptee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's see here.

Closed adoption.

Birth mother adamant she not be contacted.


I don't see any reason for misunderstanding here.

Your sister needs to leave them all alone.

+100000. The birth mother gave her child up with a legal document protecting her identity and this needs to be respected. The fact OP's sister outed her to various family members is horrible. No wonder they don't want anything to do with her.

The child was not a party to that agreement and has absolutely no obligation to go along with it. This all really does demonstrate that the story that people who give up their children for adoption for altruistic reasons because they could not possibly care for them are sometimes just weak people looking for an easy way out of an uncomfortable reality. When you keep a secret, sometimes it comes out. Live with it.

+1

+1,000,000.