My mother-in-law called me a "sadsack"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL had a fulfilling career. You did not. Perhaps you are complaining more than you admit to and DH is conveying that to his mom. Maybe MIL sees you sitting around while her son if off working to now support the entire household. Not defending her word choice (have not heard that in ages), but she was making her point. If shoe was on the other foot, and your DH was sitting around decompressing for months, would you be cool with that? She's likely thinking about a generation skipping inheritance too....

nope

Last I checked men didn’t have to carry and push these babies out . What do they have to decompress about?

Oh PLEASE!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Wow, I just said something similar to my teenagers. If you know a description doesn't fit you, you think something is wrong with the other person's perception. But you are not sure, that's when start perservating.

So by this “logic,” what you two are saying is that no strong, beautiful Black woman should ever feel insulted if someone screams the N-word at her. Because after all, that word can only hurt her if that’s the way she feels about herself?

No gay couple should be hurt if someone screeches the “f-word” at them? They would only feel insulted or attacked if they secretly loathe themselves or each other for being gay?

That’s your logic? Really?

That's like saying I said, if your boyfriend said he's gonna kill you just ignore it, that is not what was said. Word of violence are different.

It's actually sad that you can't differentiate a rude comment from a violent comment.

Did OP think her MIL was being violent towards her?

You clearly don’t know the difference between what is LEGALLY DEFINED as distasteful speech vs. hate speech vs. threats. I doubt you are intelligent or self-aware enough to do the research you would need to do to understand those three things, so this is where I leave you.

Sit down Karen, You compared f*g and N-word to "sad sack".

No I didn’t, dear. The “logic” on the table was that the only way anyone can ever be insulted by anything is if they secretly believe it about themselves. “Logic” fail. Try harder.

You were wrong, you can't admit it. There is nothing logical about your hyperbole in this situation. Google why you should never use a hyperbole in a debate... educate yourself.

True or false: no one should ever be insulted by anything, and if they are, it shows that they overtly or secretly think that thing to be true about themselves? True or false. You can only pick one, so pick.

True, if you feel insulted you secretly think it to be true. That is 110% true.

True or false: Everybody in your life has to be perfect every minute of every day because you are so thin skinned one comment in 20 years can send you in a tail spin and therefore, nobody should ever, ever, ever say anything rude.

You can only pick one, so pick.

So if your Jewish kid comes home hurt be a someone hurled a slur at them, no need to report to the school.

Got. It.

If a Jewish kid is called a sad sack he should ignore it.

Hate language should be reported even if the Jewish kid doesn't care because he has a strong sense of self because it's hate language which is against school policy... which is very different than being called a sad sack.

Kida can be bullied with labels that aren't technicially hate language by those labels being applied frequently and inappropriately. Adults can be bullied by the same.

Being called a sad sack is not bullying.

+1
Nor is it "hate language". 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was a deliberately rude, deliberately disrespectful remark made to OP in her own home.

I don’t care if a remark like that hurts my feelings or not, or if it is about a sensitive topic or not: if I know that the *intent* was to be rude and disrespectful, there will be an apology, or that person will be leaving my home.

Literally no one disrespects me, DH, or our kids in our own house. You will be leaving, and you will not be returning until you can apologize and behave respectfully.

Well said.

by someone who never raised a teen. Couldn't imagine making a mountain out of every single solitary mole hill. What a horrible way to live.

Agreed.
Can you imagine how exhausting the bolded pp is??

Good lord, it sounds like they turn every little thing into some ridiculous personal drama.

"Literally no one disrespects me, DH, or our kids in our own house."

Bwahahahaha! 🤣

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP she is probably just jealous she has to work until her death because no one would take care of her. It's pure jealousy. Call her out on it.

OP already said she is retired. I don't think she is jealous ....

Yes OP has retired. She won't be going back to full time work ever.

Unclear what industry she was in anyhow.

OP said that MIL is retired. No need to willfully misunderstand.

Retired and OLDER than OP. Don’t underestimate the role of envy here.

So she's not only jealous of OP "decompressing", shes jealous of her youth?



Riiiight.

She's jealous that OP is younger when she retired and has more healthy, active years ahead. That is a fact.

You're hilarious

Plenty of MILs are envious of their DIL’s better lives, youth, happy marriage.

Ew maybe if theyre into incest. Not any MILs I know thankfully.

NP. I bet there’s some freaky MIL’s out there who are into that too. People go crazy when they get older. Look at all the strange responses on this thread supporting the MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was a deliberately rude, deliberately disrespectful remark made to OP in her own home.

I don’t care if a remark like that hurts my feelings or not, or if it is about a sensitive topic or not: if I know that the *intent* was to be rude and disrespectful, there will be an apology, or that person will be leaving my home.

Literally no one disrespects me, DH, or our kids in our own house. You will be leaving, and you will not be returning until you can apologize and behave respectfully.

Well said.

by someone who never raised a teen. Couldn't imagine making a mountain out of every single solitary mole hill. What a horrible way to live.

Agreed.
Can you imagine how exhausting the bolded pp is??

Good lord, it sounds like they turn every little thing into some ridiculous personal drama.

"Literally no one disrespects me, DH, or our kids in our own house."

Bwahahahaha! 🤣

We get it. You are the type who is always “just joking” and telling other people to lighten up.

What you don’t get is that we’ve got your number. We get that you aren’t “playful” or “just joking,” you are disrespectful, rude, controlling, and self-focused. We’re not playing your games anymore. Sorry that bothers you, knowing that we are on to you and you’re not going to get away with your control and your bad behavior anymore.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My DH makes enough money for me not to work right now. I quit a job that I hated last year and haven't looked for a new one. My kids are in school all day now. I'm enjoying for the first time in 20 years a chance to just decompress.
Over the weekend, my ILs came over to babysit. My MIL, half-jokingly, asked me when I was going to stop "sitting around like a sadsack." I don't know if she thinks I'm depressed and that's why I don't work or what, but it was really offensive and caught me off guard in the moment. As background - she is a retired lawyer and so is her husband. She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.
I sat with it for a few days and then emailed her to say that I was hurt by her remarks and that I'm enjoying some much-needed time off.
She hasn't responded yet but I'm still fuming. My DH said he understood my feelings but that working and ambition is very important to his mother, she worked hard to get where she was and that's where she was coming from.
My MIL is not on this forum I don't think (she's way too busy for that) so here I am venting about it...

When last year?

I mean, there's taking break, and then there's being lazy and a mooch.

So if it was like November or something, it's probably time to get with the job hunt. If it was March of April, you're into mooch territory and my guess is your DH is actually annoyed and said something to his mother.

I'm OP. Not planning to work for a while. My DH is fine with it. We can afford it. What do you mean by mooch territory? That's really offensive and in my mind anti-feminist! Wow. But I guess I know that my MIL is not alone in her mindset!

OP - a SAHM here - work in the home is not valued and not seen as honest work unless it’s hired help - at least by people like this poster. My family loves that everything is calm in our home, laundry done, house clean, I can come pick up from practice at a moments notice, can get things done for my husband during the day so he has more time later and still have time for myself to exercise and take care of my own health. It’s great. My kids are in high school and need me more than ever. I have a kid that has multiple practices after school - would I be my best self if I worked, tried to find a carpool, felt frazzled and stressed, picking up take-out all the time and always rushing?

A wise friend that went back to work told me the truth is you can’t be excellent at a job and also be an excellent mom. There is a trade-off.

The people that call this mooching are just jealous.

More sh#t insecure people say to make themselves feel better. If you must rag on someone elses choices you arent very secure in your own.

+1 of course you can be an excellent spouse, employee, and parent. Anyone with any observational skills at all will know scores of people in this category, unless they live in enclaves filled with smug people like this PP. Probably going to need to outsource cleaning and/or some other chores, but most people working parents I know, me included, can manage cooking and the major household chores on top of work and parenting.

Not bashing those who want to stay home and can afford to do so. It’s a nice life with a lot more downtime than working folks get. I’m glad OP is getting some time to recover from burnout. Her MIL has clearly lost her filter. I’d let this one slide but call her out on any future barbs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was a deliberately rude, deliberately disrespectful remark made to OP in her own home.

I don’t care if a remark like that hurts my feelings or not, or if it is about a sensitive topic or not: if I know that the *intent* was to be rude and disrespectful, there will be an apology, or that person will be leaving my home.

Literally no one disrespects me, DH, or our kids in our own house. You will be leaving, and you will not be returning until you can apologize and behave respectfully.

Well said.

by someone who never raised a teen. Couldn't imagine making a mountain out of every single solitary mole hill. What a horrible way to live.

Agreed.
Can you imagine how exhausting the bolded pp is??

Good lord, it sounds like they turn every little thing into some ridiculous personal drama.

"Literally no one disrespects me, DH, or our kids in our own house."

Bwahahahaha! 🤣

We get it. You are the type who is always “just joking” and telling other people to lighten up.

What you don’t get is that we’ve got your number. We get that you aren’t “playful” or “just joking,” you are disrespectful, rude, controlling, and self-focused. We’re not playing your games anymore. Sorry that bothers you, knowing that we are on to you and you’re not going to get away with your control and your bad behavior anymore.

+1

[Anonymous]

ILs will always judge.
The smart ones do it silently
Now you know that she is basically your class enemy in that her interests and yours are complete opposites
Don’t waste emotion on being hurt by her; make conclusions. Don’t tell her anything. Maybe tell her (and have DH back you up) that you have a job now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ILs will always judge.
The smart ones do it silently
Now you know that she is basically your class enemy in that her interests and yours are complete opposites
Don’t waste emotion on being hurt by her; make conclusions. Don’t tell her anything. Maybe tell her (and have DH back you up) that you have a job now.

That’s how dh and I are with mil. She will latch onto anything and be negative so we tell her almost nothing.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL sounds very trashy and unclassy to use the word "sadsack." If I were OP, I keep my MIL away from the grandchildren, and maintain my dignity.

(And I say this as a 54-year-old lawyer (working mom)).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ILs will always judge.
The smart ones do it silently
Now you know that she is basically your class enemy in that her interests and yours are complete opposites
Don’t waste emotion on being hurt by her; make conclusions. Don’t tell her anything. Maybe tell her (and have DH back you up) that you have a job now.

That’s how dh and I are with mil. She will latch onto anything and be negative so we tell her almost nothing.

My late mother (who wasn’t mentally well to be fair) would remember something good I told her about her grandson and still manage to turn in into something bad months later!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH makes enough money for me not to work right now. I quit a job that I hated last year and haven't looked for a new one. My kids are in school all day now. I'm enjoying for the first time in 20 years a chance to just decompress.
Over the weekend, my ILs came over to babysit. My MIL, half-jokingly, asked me when I was going to stop "sitting around like a sadsack." I don't know if she thinks I'm depressed and that's why I don't work or what, but it was really offensive and caught me off guard in the moment. As background - she is a retired lawyer and so is her husband. She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.
I sat with it for a few days and then emailed her to say that I was hurt by her remarks and that I'm enjoying some much-needed time off.
She hasn't responded yet but I'm still fuming. My DH said he understood my feelings but that working and ambition is very important to his mother, she worked hard to get where she was and that's where she was coming from.
My MIL is not on this forum I don't think (she's way too busy for that) so here I am venting about it...

When last year?

I mean, there's taking break, and then there's being lazy and a mooch.

So if it was like November or something, it's probably time to get with the job hunt. If it was March of April, you're into mooch territory and my guess is your DH is actually annoyed and said something to his mother.

I'm OP. Not planning to work for a while. My DH is fine with it. We can afford it. What do you mean by mooch territory? That's really offensive and in my mind anti-feminist! Wow. But I guess I know that my MIL is not alone in her mindset!

OP - a SAHM here - work in the home is not valued and not seen as honest work unless it’s hired help - at least by people like this poster. My family loves that everything is calm in our home, laundry done, house clean, I can come pick up from practice at a moments notice, can get things done for my husband during the day so he has more time later and still have time for myself to exercise and take care of my own health. It’s great. My kids are in high school and need me more than ever. I have a kid that has multiple practices after school - would I be my best self if I worked, tried to find a carpool, felt frazzled and stressed, picking up take-out all the time and always rushing?

A wise friend that went back to work told me the truth is you can’t be excellent at a job and also be an excellent mom. There is a trade-off.

The people that call this mooching are just jealous.

More sh#t insecure people say to make themselves feel better. If you must rag on someone elses choices you arent very secure in your own.

This is really wrong. You can be great at your job AND a great mom. I am not diminishing the work of a SAHM, but it’s a much easier lifestyle than being a WOHM once kids are in school. I can’t really relate to having no ambition at all, but ofc there are all sorts of different people out there. No one is jealous of you, trust me - most WOHMs would be bored, tending to housework/chores every day.

That said, this is not OP‘s situation. OP seems to be taking a well deserved sabbatical, something everyone should be able to do once in a while. MIL is a nasty women and I’d hate to have her in my life. Sorry, OP, but this woman needs to apologize sincerely, otherwise I’d be done with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was a deliberately rude, deliberately disrespectful remark made to OP in her own home.

I don’t care if a remark like that hurts my feelings or not, or if it is about a sensitive topic or not: if I know that the *intent* was to be rude and disrespectful, there will be an apology, or that person will be leaving my home.

Literally no one disrespects me, DH, or our kids in our own house. You will be leaving, and you will not be returning until you can apologize and behave respectfully.

Well said.

by someone who never raised a teen. Couldn't imagine making a mountain out of every single solitary mole hill. What a horrible way to live.

Agreed.
Can you imagine how exhausting the bolded pp is??

Good lord, it sounds like they turn every little thing into some ridiculous personal drama.

"Literally no one disrespects me, DH, or our kids in our own house."

Bwahahahaha! 🤣

We get it. You are the type who is always “just joking” and telling other people to lighten up.

What you don’t get is that we’ve got your number. We get that you aren’t “playful” or “just joking,” you are disrespectful, rude, controlling, and self-focused. We’re not playing your games anymore. Sorry that bothers you, knowing that we are on to you and you’re not going to get away with your control and your bad behavior anymore.

+1

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ILs will always judge.
The smart ones do it silently
Now you know that she is basically your class enemy in that her interests and yours are complete opposites
Don’t waste emotion on being hurt by her; make conclusions. Don’t tell her anything. Maybe tell her (and have DH back you up) that you have a job now.

+1. I wouldn't lie about anything, but I also wouldn't tell her anything. Second thought, you could tell her misinformation and see if it shows up elsewhere, OP. She sounds very intentionally mean. The only ones I know who put up with this BS are people who are generally opportunists, and want money from the ILs. Is it worth it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend whose MIL judged her for NOT choosing to be a SAHM because that’s what she was.

Her comment could be two fold, 1) it’s her lived experience to be ambitious and work so maybe she has opinions about SAHMs, and 2) maybe she’s worried about her son bearing the weight of your family’s finances on his own and she’s not certain it’s what her son wants.

Your DH should talk to his mother and ask her what’s up and assure her he’s onboard with your current situation (assuming he is).

You’re not a SAHM when you don’t work and your kids are in school all day. You’re just a SAH and don’t want to work Mom. Your MIL is probably protective of her son who doesn’t have the luxury of just quitting his job and staying home. You shouldn’t have said it but her opinion isn’t wrong. If that were my DIL, I’d feel exactly the same way but I would never say it out loud.