I told my teen I hate her, I meant it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

But she didn't endure the cancer herself. Must be hard raising kids when they are never responsible for anything and can do no wrong. I can't imagine how they turn out later in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am sorry the parents here are all crazy.

Take care. Hopefully your DD will realize what a a'zhole she is. She should be waiting on you hand and foot and being kind to her ill mother.

Kids don't get a pass when they are being jerks.

No wonder kids today are helpless with these enabling mothers. Shame on you all.

This post says it all: some people think children are servants to their parents. But that’s not the way things work in the modern world.

How is it being a servant to treat someone with respect? OP and her DD are the same -- neither can control themselves, the DD because she's a teen and OP because she probably has PTSD from her cancer. OP, your daughter also probably has PTSD from your cancer. Give her a big hug. You're in this fight together and both responding the same way. Like mother, like daughter.

You guys skip a lot to get to your views. Waiting on you hand and foot is not the same as respect.

But I agree on the rest of you post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

So cancer means never having to say you’re sorry?

So being a brat means not having to be nice to your possibly terminally I'll mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

So cancer means never having to say you’re sorry?

So being a brat means not having to be nice to your possibly terminally I'll mother?

Amazing that you keep justifying the sh***ty behavior of an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

Everyone is excusing the daughter for having had to endure her mother going through cancer, but no one is extending any grace to the mother who had to endure cancer!

I didn’t say they canceled each other out, and I am not arguing about which is worse. I am saying the daughter is not an innocent victim, she provoked her mother, got a response she wasn’t expecting, and now hopefully they can BOTH learn from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

Everyone is excusing the daughter for having had to endure her mother going through cancer, but no one is extending any grace to the mother who had to endure cancer!

I didn’t say they canceled each other out, and I am not arguing about which is worse. I am saying the daughter is not an innocent victim, she provoked her mother, got a response she wasn’t expecting, and now hopefully they can BOTH learn from it.

The daughter is not posting here. It's the mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

So cancer means never having to say you’re sorry?

So being a brat means not having to be nice to your possibly terminally I'll mother?

Amazing that you keep justifying the sh***ty behavior of an adult.

Amazing that you miss that the mother is completely self aware. This isn't your mom that you have unresolved issues with, no need to keep rage posting and beating a dead horse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am sorry the parents here are all crazy.

Take care. Hopefully your DD will realize what a a'zhole she is. She should be waiting on you hand and foot and being kind to her ill mother.

Kids don't get a pass when they are being jerks.

No wonder kids today are helpless with these enabling mothers. Shame on you all.

This post says it all: some people think children are servants to their parents. But that’s not the way things work in the modern world.

How is it being a servant to treat someone with respect? OP and her DD are the same -- neither can control themselves, the DD because she's a teen and OP because she probably has PTSD from her cancer. OP, your daughter also probably has PTSD from your cancer. Give her a big hug. You're in this fight together and both responding the same way. Like mother, like daughter.

You literally said the daughter should be waiting on her mom hand and foot.

Would you say the same thing about a male child? Probably just internalized misogyny, expecting the female child to be the perfect little caregiver. Abusive yelling hateful mom is totes kewl tho!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

Everyone is excusing the daughter for having had to endure her mother going through cancer, but no one is extending any grace to the mother who had to endure cancer!

I didn’t say they canceled each other out, and I am not arguing about which is worse. I am saying the daughter is not an innocent victim, she provoked her mother, got a response she wasn’t expecting, and now hopefully they can BOTH learn from it.

OP is the adult and the parent. She has a higher responsibility here. Cancer doesn’t give you free rein to be a sh!tty parent. Blaming your child for your cancer is the epitome of red flag parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another heated argument, she said it first. We do hate each other. I know 16 is a challenging age but DD is unmanageable, rude, self righteous. I’m in remission from cancer and can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to get sick again. Husband always takes her side, i’m just going to back off snd hope she
Moves out in 2 years.

Yet, i feel awful.

So you are as immature as your daughter. Nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

So cancer means never having to say you’re sorry?

So being a brat means not having to be nice to your possibly terminally I'll mother?

Amazing that you keep justifying the sh***ty behavior of an adult.

Amazing that you miss that the mother is completely self aware. This isn't your mom that you have unresolved issues with, no need to keep rage posting and beating a dead horse.

I'm sorry you have trouble with your children. You really can frame the relationship to be more positive. You'll just have to do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

So cancer means never having to say you’re sorry?

So being a brat means not having to be nice to your possibly terminally I'll mother?

Amazing that you keep justifying the sh***ty behavior of an adult.

Amazing that you miss that the mother is completely self aware. This isn't your mom that you have unresolved issues with, no need to keep rage posting and beating a dead horse.

I'm sorry you have trouble with your children. You really can frame the relationship to be more positive. You'll just have to do better.

I'm sorry you don't get along with your parents. You're an adult now, why is it so hard? Seek help, posting here isn't going to help you heal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

So cancer means never having to say you’re sorry?

So being a brat means not having to be nice to your possibly terminally I'll mother?

Amazing that you keep justifying the sh***ty behavior of an adult.

Amazing that you miss that the mother is completely self aware. This isn't your mom that you have unresolved issues with, no need to keep rage posting and beating a dead horse.

+ 1 million.

The mom’s post was not self congratulating. She didn’t feel great about what she did, she felt awful. She is going through a complex situation with many feelings like a normal human, but the posters on this thread are simplifying it into: mom = good vs mom = bad.

[Anonymous]

I told my parents things like that when I was a teen.

Thing is I knew it was wrong. And if my parents said something back , I knew I started it.

My Greatest Generation parents didn't take crap.