Come here if your in laws do weird crap at thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL offered to bring ”an easy appetizer for the kids so they don’t get too hungry” She brought: goose liver pate, picked herring, olives with pits, and rye bread. Kids are in elementary school; they were hangry.

This is a very underappreciated post. I am upvoting it.

It made me cackle. But kids aside, I want PP’s MIL as a guest — I would love to have that appetizer on hand while coordinating cooking!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I prefer family style because it feels more homey and less like a restaurant. But if we have more people than can fit ar one table - and we nearly always do these days - then we do buffet style. It just feels more impersonal. And I have picky young kids and yes, they are far more likely to try the food family style as it gets passed and others take it, talk about it, praise it.

I like family style a lot better but I have a very small extended family so we always fit at a single table with all the food. Often the host will split sides into multiple serving dishes so there’s potatoes/veg/gravy/etc multiple places on the table which decreases the required passing. But I think it would definitely become impractical over maybe 15 people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:My MIL will serve family style when she hosts Thanksgiving. We serve buffet style, and I think this is easier for everyone. MIL hosted this year. She has a strange habit of using small bowels for sides and barely putting anything in them. So she has to jump up and run back to the kitchen and fill it up multiple times. She has plenty in the kitchen but she will put about 1 cup of stuffing or mashed potatoes in a serving bowl and it won’t make the way around the table. Also people take less of everything because they don’t know if that’s all there is.

Oh h%ll this is something my MIL would do - but she has weird control issues around food (and other things). How annoying - I empathize!

I'm the poster with the food restrictive mil. This is exactly what she did. She would make a point of letting us all know that she did not eat. She would make a half a sandwich and take a bite or two then put it away and let everyone know that is all she had eaten that day.

My MIL does this too. Endless discussion about her food intake. Pushing around of food at the table, one or two bites eaten. I don't care, but it's kind of fascinating to watch how a whole meal can go by with her taking just 2-3 bites. Sometimes she picks up a forkful of food, waves it around, speaks, then puts it back down for another 5-10 minutes. It's kind of mesmerizing.

When visiting our house it's, "I'll have to skip dinners next week and just do cheese and crackers for dinner after this week of eating!". We are all thin, active and eat normal meals.

It kinda seems like you’re paying a lot of attention to her eating. Why not just ignore? I’m too busy stuffing my face to notice anyone else’s eating habits.

DP here. Sounds like its hard to ignore if the MIL is constantly talking about it.

She talks about it because she gets a response. If no reinforcement is provided, the behavior will stop.

Not true. I'm not the poster you are responding to my my sils get in on this sickness too. They were both overweight but they would enforce the same crazy stuff for guests. It's about control and it's not fun for my ils unless most of this is directed at someone else. It really is a bpd form of being dominant over someone else. They all find reasons to pick at someone hoping to make them feel insecure and they feel they gain some control over that person. Bpd types are always looking to make other people feel off balance. It's a whole nother ball game than what you expect.

[Anonymous]

I also dislike family style service for a big holiday. There’s more passing than there is eating, and the food is always cold. Plus there’s no room on the table! So awkward all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also dislike family style service for a big holiday. There’s more passing than there is eating, and the food is always cold. Plus there’s no room on the table! So awkward all around.

and the person who says the food gets cold either way is wrong. So wrong.

[Anonymous]

In family style passing, people have to wait for everything to get passed and then wait for everyone to have food. With a buffet style most people just get the items they want and are back at the table faster knowing they can go back to the buffet when they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL has been here since Tuesday. Tuesday night, we got a Costco rotisserie chicken for dinner. I put it out on a serving platter on the counter, as I was going to divide it out, but just as I was doing that, my daughter started crying in the other room so I went to see what was wrong (she stubbed her toe).

I come back to the kitchen to finish up what I was doing and I caught MIL ripping apart the rotisserie chicken with her bare hands, like a gd caveman.

I couldn't believe what I saw. This was dinner for four of us (DD, MIL, Me and DH) and she's in there tearing it up with her dirty hands.

I was so disgusted - I told her that chicken is hers now. Luckily we live in a condo next to a full service grocery store and I went to get another chicken.

How do you know she didn’t wash her hands first? Even with a knife, it’s hard to get all the meat off without touching it at all. You seem kinda psycho. Also rotisserie chicken is way too similar to turkey, two days apart.

Using her hands to separate meat for a communal meal is disgusting.

This is bizarre. If she were cooking the meal, she’d be using her hands all over the place while cooking. She was presumably pulling the meat off for everyone to eat. I don’t think she did anything wrong, as long as she washed her hands first. I mean, if you are convenience store chicken after you gave up on the chicken she had touched, do you really think the one you ate was more sanitary?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And she will carve the turkey in the kitchen and barely put any turkey on the plate she brings to the dining room. Just why?

She wants to maximize the leftovers for herself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FIL burps (and farts) at the table, and picks teeth with pick. Would totally pull apart bird with hands (and has). Coughs without covering mouth. No one has ever told him not to do these things. I think that part may annoy me most of all (tell him ffs). But mainly I am annoyed that whole ILs family is like this and when I feel judgy it makes me feel guilty and like a snob, and also like it is my fault that I married into a family that is so socially different from my own and made my life much harder as a consequence. Then I feel both guilty, mad at myself and like a huge snob. And grossed out. I would love to enjoy one holiday where I could eat canapes and have a drink without feeling like a grossed out, self loathing, snobby a******.

Please don’t feel like a snob! Or rather, it’s perfectly fine to be snobby that way! People need to have good manners!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In family style passing, people have to wait for everything to get passed and then wait for everyone to have food. With a buffet style most people just get the items they want and are back at the table faster knowing they can go back to the buffet when they want.

+1. We pray together, then people go through the buffet (kids/elderly folks who need help go first), then everyone starts eating as they sit. All the food is hot, no one has to stop and pass and pass, and people get seconds or thirds when and if they want to!

[Anonymous]

We do family style with my family (smaller) and buffet style with DH’s family (larger.) Food and company are excellent both ways. No meaningful difference. What a silly thing to debate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL fusses and clucks and acts like she is the hostess. She actually does nothing and only gets in the way. No, she doesn’t want to host—when she does, she is a stressed-out nightmare. No, she doesn’t offer to bring anything. Yes, I’m sure it is that she wants attention and wants to feel important. She could at least bring a bottle of wine. Instead, she fusses around, questions everything, acts like she knows best, and is put out that we don’t stuff the bird. She doesn’t seem to grasp that no, you don’t need to put an unstuffed turkey in the oven at 7 a.m. and dry it completely out.

Can’t wait to see what your DIL says about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The family style is annoying because it dominates the conversation. Pass this, pass that. Don't the kids like green beans? We made this because we thought they'd like it. Aren't you hungry? This one eats and eats. You look like you're going to blow away. Could you pass that again?
The buffet - you line up, make your plate and eat it. Go back and get more if you want more. Talk about something more interesting at the table. And I don't even have an island, I use the induction surface as a serving area every night!

Older people who make comments like that do it regardless of how the food is served. My MIL is a case in point. We still do family style if the group is small and there is enough room on the table for all of the normal serving dishes. But more often there are so many people that the sides are all in large aluminum trays and take up the entire kitchen island. There wouldn't be room to put them all on the table(s) that we have shoved together to seat everyone. We usually have the fully extended dining table plus two folding tables. Usually there is wine, water, and rolls/butter on the table. The rest is in the kitchen.

What are you expecting "older people" to talk about at the table? Instructional framework of public school today vs when she raised kids and other matters of current pedagogy? The generation gap when it comes to climate change? The relative merits of AI and whether it will help or hinder those trying to age in place? I think, "You're growing, you need to eat more!" is perfectly acceptable small talk for "older people" who are guests at the table. That's just my opinion.

Absolutely not. Your commentary on what other people are eating is not required. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL referred to me as her “Sous chef” all day. I made everything except the turkey.

Oh, my slapping hand would be itching.

[Anonymous]

I'm just bemused that so many people have such strong feelings about family style (which, to me, when you're at home and not a restaurant is just...regular style? But I digress) vs. buffet style.

I have no dog in the fight. My family always had regular dinner "family style" so that seems standard to me. I'd say usually we do holiday meals that way (though employing the multiple serving dishes to spread amongst the big or multiple table method when necessary). But there have also been times we did buffet style instead, if it made more sense for the particular house we were in for the occasion.

Certainly no one had such entrenched feelings about it though, or would accuse (out loud nor internally) a host of being too old fashioned or non-traditional...