Do men really not care about a woman’s career?

[Anonymous]

Just joined a slew of dating apps - deliberately left out all details of my job, homes, and everything but the fact that I have no kids, completed college, and like to cook. And of course some great pics. My messages have BLOWN UP.

I could be homeless - they don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here —

Career doesn’t matter but education does.

The ideal woman attends a t10, majors in a humanities or social science, works for a few years in a self actualizing sector, then shift to part time.

Dutch women have this down to a science.

Check out how Dutch women approach work and life

That's not the high standard you think it is. 1 in 5 Dutch households live in public housing. Which tells me their men/women and the parents aren't great providers in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my circle women’s college and profession matters but once married, it’s usually her decision if she wants to work or stay home after kids, men are okay with both choices. Men with high IQ tend to enjoy beauty but they crave intelligence.

Same.

This is what I've noticed. Career accomplishments optional, education not.

All things said "education"/ "intelligence"/ "success" is shorthand for other capacities and character traits that may come in handy when building a life with someone.

Love this. 40-year-old frumpsters convincing themselves that they are more of a catch than the hot, 24-year-old secretary because they have a Cornell degree. The delusion on DCUM is real!

Grandpa entered the thread. There are no more secretaries or assistants. Did you retire 20 years ago? That's the last time I saw one in real life. My H works for an international fortune 50 and they have maybe 1 or 2 assigned to the CEO and they are both in Europe. I'm a fed and we don't have one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just joined a slew of dating apps - deliberately left out all details of my job, homes, and everything but the fact that I have no kids, completed college, and like to cook. And of course some great pics. My messages have BLOWN UP.

I could be homeless - they don't care.

I'm ok with this as an intelligent female if this is what these men want. I really don't want these dates. And I have no interested in being courted by tons of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How true is it that men would rather marry a hot woman with no career of her own than marry an average woman with a career that matched his?

Guy here. I dated who I was attracted to and liked. Their job didn’t really matter to me. I dated a grocery store worker, a med student, an art teacher, an attorney and sales rep for a tech company.

I married the sales rep and I feel like I’ve been so lucky to have both a solid relationship and lots of financial success (we were both from poor backgrounds - like trailer home poor).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my circle women’s college and profession matters but once married, it’s usually her decision if she wants to work or stay home after kids, men are okay with both choices. Men with high IQ tend to enjoy beauty but they crave intelligence.

Same.

This is what I've noticed. Career accomplishments optional, education not.

All things said "education"/ "intelligence"/ "success" is shorthand for other capacities and character traits that may come in handy when building a life with someone.

Love this. 40-year-old frumpsters convincing themselves that they are more of a catch than the hot, 24-year-old secretary because they have a Cornell degree. The delusion on DCUM is real!

Grandpa entered the thread. There are no more secretaries or assistants. Did you retire 20 years ago? That's the last time I saw one in real life. My H works for an international fortune 50 and they have maybe 1 or 2 assigned to the CEO and they are both in Europe. I'm a fed and we don't have one.

Ha I hadn't picked up on this. So true.

I think both a 40 year old "frumpster" and a hot 24-year old secretary (or whatever the modern counterpart of a secretary is) can be great catches. But for a man who isn't insecure about his own intelligence and education, he's going to want those traits in a partner, especially if it's somebody he's going to have kids with. My husband was a total catch and had plenty of options, but he picked the more intelligent and educated woman over the hotter ones. Why? Because that gave us something in common and he didn't want dumb kids.

Now that I no longer have an amazing body and I'm pushing 40, I'm certain that if he were single again he would pick somebody more attractive than I am because he's got all the traits that women, even younger women, want. But education and intelligence would be a prerequisite, not a gorgeous face and perfect body. (Although he definitely wouldn't pick somebody in their twenties, he's pushing 40 too and unless you're a gross old man, 20-year olds look like children to people our age).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta love ugly women and their never-ending intellectual acrobatics that always have one goal: A desperate search for confirmation bias.

Sorry you couldn't land hot and smart in the same package. The alpha man can.

Or he did land smart. You know, not like women who hijack a thread about what men want to brag about their resumes, or how the 1% live, or JFK, or some other dingbattery.

I'm sorry but I just can't believe that any man who comments on the relationship forum of this website is an "alpha" in the sense that PP is using it. I don't judge anybody for being on this website but if a guy is spending his precious time making comments like that on an anonymous forum, he just can't be the charismatic, ambitious, high-earning, attractive, active type that people call "alphas."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta love ugly women and their never-ending intellectual acrobatics that always have one goal: A desperate search for confirmation bias.

Sorry you couldn't land hot and smart in the same package. The alpha man can.

Or he did land smart. You know, not like women who hijack a thread about what men want to brag about their resumes, or how the 1% live, or JFK, or some other dingbattery.

I'm sorry but I just can't believe that any man who comments on the relationship forum of this website is an "alpha" in the sense that PP is using it. I don't judge anybody for being on this website but if a guy is spending his precious time making comments like that on an anonymous forum, he just can't be the charismatic, ambitious, high-earning, attractive, active type that people call "alphas."

ITA. I asked my H if his friends are calling themselves that and he looked like me like I had 3 heads; they are all former athletes over 6 ft tall, Ivy graduates, from wealthy families, and all have great jobs. It's similar to the small d*ck syndrome. If you have a nice one, you don't have to brag about it. I also found the alpha male syndrome strongly correlated to shortness in men. Short men tend to overcompensate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just joined a slew of dating apps - deliberately left out all details of my job, homes, and everything but the fact that I have no kids, completed college, and like to cook. And of course some great pics. My messages have BLOWN UP.

I could be homeless - they don't care.

That’s consistent with what people have said here. UMC men will be thrilled to sleep with just about anyone. When it comes to marriage they are looking for someone of substance. Generally — not always — that corresponds with someone who is as educated and ambitious as they are. Being educated and ambitious generally — not always — goes with having a serious career.

[Anonymous]

I’m a teacher, which is a profession that is routinely scorned on this site, and my dh doesn’t seem to care. He out-earns me, but we connect on a deep level. We’re friends and we have so much fun together.

I honestly do not think my husband views my career as a high school teacher as something embarrassing or less-than, though. I love my job and spend a great deal of time at home planning lessons, reading, and grading. I have overheard my husband boasting about an award I received and how good I am at my job. I am intelligent and well-read, and able to discuss politics and culture, etc, and my husband sometimes asks me to look over writing he does for his own (much higher paying) job. I don’t think my husband’s colleagues view me as less-than, either. Or maybe their wives are posting about me online, but I don’t care.

Yes, I’m physically attractive, but our marriage wouldn’t have lasted for so long if that was all he cared about. No, I don’t think he would have preferred a woman with a high status job who didn’t care about her personal appearance. DH and I run 10ks and half marathons together, and he doesn’t have much respect for couch potatoes (neither do I).

So in my case, my dh doesn’t care that I have a lower status job and he does appreciate value my interest in taking care of my body.

PS- I went to Harvard. Some people with jobs you consider to be low-status are intelligent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just joined a slew of dating apps - deliberately left out all details of my job, homes, and everything but the fact that I have no kids, completed college, and like to cook. And of course some great pics. My messages have BLOWN UP.

I could be homeless - they don't care.

That’s consistent with what people have said here. UMC men will be thrilled to sleep with just about anyone. When it comes to marriage they are looking for someone of substance. Generally — not always — that corresponds with someone who is as educated and ambitious as they are. Being educated and ambitious generally — not always — goes with having a serious career.

You are not a man and you keep pushing your point as though it’s some kind of truth. That doesn’t make you right. Educated does not always = serious career and ambitious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my circle women’s college and profession matters but once married, it’s usually her decision if she wants to work or stay home after kids, men are okay with both choices. Men with high IQ tend to enjoy beauty but they crave intelligence.

Same.

This is what I've noticed. Career accomplishments optional, education not.

All things said "education"/ "intelligence"/ "success" is shorthand for other capacities and character traits that may come in handy when building a life with someone.

Love this. 40-year-old frumpsters convincing themselves that they are more of a catch than the hot, 24-year-old secretary because they have a Cornell degree. The delusion on DCUM is real!

Grandpa entered the thread. There are no more secretaries or assistants. Did you retire 20 years ago? That's the last time I saw one in real life. My H works for an international fortune 50 and they have maybe 1 or 2 assigned to the CEO and they are both in Europe. I'm a fed and we don't have one.

Ha I hadn't picked up on this. So true.

I think both a 40 year old "frumpster" and a hot 24-year old secretary (or whatever the modern counterpart of a secretary is) can be great catches. But for a man who isn't insecure about his own intelligence and education, he's going to want those traits in a partner, especially if it's somebody he's going to have kids with. My husband was a total catch and had plenty of options, but he picked the more intelligent and educated woman over the hotter ones. Why? Because that gave us something in common and he didn't want dumb kids.

Now that I no longer have an amazing body and I'm pushing 40, I'm certain that if he were single again he would pick somebody more attractive than I am because he's got all the traits that women, even younger women, want. But education and intelligence would be a prerequisite, not a gorgeous face and perfect body. (Although he definitely wouldn't pick somebody in their twenties, he's pushing 40 too and unless you're a gross old man, 20-year olds look like children to people our age).

My husband is the same. He could have married someone with less of a career if he had wanted to, and in fact he did date some women like that. But at the end of the day he said when he was looking for someone to share life with — talk to every day, travel the world with, raise a family — he wanted someone interesting and intelligent with their own passions and ambitions. I asked him if the career mattered, he said not in itself but that there just ended up being a correlation between what he was looking for and women with a career.

When I think about the women we know socially, it’s not true in every case but the ones who have their own serious interests and interesting experiences to talk about all have pretty impressive careers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The novelist, the human rights center director, and the scientist surely did not make 200k off the bat starting out in their career. They probably won’t have an umc class lifestyle unless they married high earning men - finance, consulting, private equity, tech. And definitely the novelist did not make money off the bat. So the topic of this discussion is do men care about womens job. Obviously to the men who married your friends, no.

DP here. This is surely one of the sillier posts on this thread. Most high-earning men didn't start off high-earning either.

Right. Because there is definitely no difference in starting salaries and earning trajectory between a finance or Silicon Valley worker vs a budding novelist or non profit worker.

1. That's not what PP said.
2. You don't think scientists make money can make a lot of money in the private sector?

-- SV tech exec with a science PhD

The PP said that high earning men did not start off high earning. Yes scientists may pivot to high earning careers vs working in a lab. But surely you must admit that early in the career you can sort for earning potential by dating people in certain careers. A scientist working in a government lab is different from a scientist working in Silicon Valley in a corporate department. So what exactly did i say wrong? Does a woman or a man think they’ll date rich by seeing a novelist, an archeologist or a non profit worker?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a teacher, which is a profession that is routinely scorned on this site, and my dh doesn’t seem to care. He out-earns me, but we connect on a deep level. We’re friends and we have so much fun together.

I honestly do not think my husband views my career as a high school teacher as something embarrassing or less-than, though. I love my job and spend a great deal of time at home planning lessons, reading, and grading. I have overheard my husband boasting about an award I received and how good I am at my job. I am intelligent and well-read, and able to discuss politics and culture, etc, and my husband sometimes asks me to look over writing he does for his own (much higher paying) job. I don’t think my husband’s colleagues view me as less-than, either. Or maybe their wives are posting about me online, but I don’t care.

Yes, I’m physically attractive, but our marriage wouldn’t have lasted for so long if that was all he cared about. No, I don’t think he would have preferred a woman with a high status job who didn’t care about her personal appearance. DH and I run 10ks and half marathons together, and he doesn’t have much respect for couch potatoes (neither do I).

So in my case, my dh doesn’t care that I have a lower status job and he does appreciate value my interest in taking care of my body.

PS- I went to Harvard. Some people with jobs you consider to be low-status are intelligent.

I’d consider teaching high school a serious career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men who earn well or have family wealth doesn’t care if their wife is a socialite or a career women but middle income men want wife’s pay check to afford a good lifestyle. Less educated folks are usually more interested in looks and fun, not worried about long term issues.

True!