friends thief, what would you pps do?

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04/21/2012 23:20

Subject: friends thief, what would you pps do?

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Anonymous

Okay pps, this may read like a novel, so here we go....

Here's my story: I've known a particular friend for a decade. We have kids similar in age and we live in the same neighborhood by design. Our kids have known each other since toddler years and now play sports together. My friend is a people person and is very accessible. She is also very generous and accommodating. She is a nurturer and so, hates to see people suffering who are in need. And, because of her husband's position (very well connected global exec) and the resulting social position, she attracts what I refer to as social vultures. My husband works in a similar field but is much younger that he but is climbing the ladder well.

She has always been a willing and generous mentor to me and over the years I've come to appreciate her guidance, patient and instinct. I thus have very deep affection for her. We are both former careerist, but now SAH because of our spouses' demanding careers. She has definitely helped her husband reach his influential position. She is a smart counsel to him so he indulges and worships her. He is very comfortable having her as queen of the castle. We're friends not only because she is kind and generous to me, not to mention accessible, but mostly because we feel safe in each others company not only because of our similar cultural references - I get her nuances - some things don't have to be explained.

Being friends with her is a package deal because she is all over the place. She would drop everything to come help someone and she volunteers her time extensively. So, it is very rewarding being around her, but we're different. I am not as accessible as she is, admittedly, I am standoffish. It takes time to warm up to people, I prefer to observe things from afar before getting my feet wet. With her though, everybody can jump in. Her old friends are stable and true, but the new ones(past 3 years) I question. She is a "everybody let's get along" type, no matter how different the personalities. But thankfully, she has stopped trying to make me like everybody she likes, and allow me to warm up to people at my own pace. I am happy to observe her spectacle of "friends" from the sideline. It's interesting watching everybody falling all over themselves trying to have access to her.

So anyway, she became friends with a "friend thief" (FT) about a year and a half ago. My friend's son is involved in this organization and the FT was part of the administration and was helpful to my friend. FT made herself easy to become part of our circle, and guest what? FT has become the most constant (everyday) companion to my friend out of many of us. Everyone has backed off to give FT space because they're so turned off by it all. Most recently, I overheard FT telling someone at an event that she has been close friends to my friend for years - not true, only 10 months. But then FT acts like she does not care about social position but her actions speak otherwise. My friend is very socially involved and brings FT to a lot of social functions where FT is often the outsider. My friend tries hard to socialize FT but then FT tries to command my friend's every move - to the point where one cannot have two minutes of alone time without FT rearing her pretty little nose. It is truly amazing.

So here is the deal. FT hates me in particular because I'm the closest to my friend out of our circle of friends. Although I spend less time with her because of our different hobbies, I'm always available whenever she needs me. I choose to give her space because she has a lot of demands on her. Besides she has a lot of attentive people around her and will call me if it's important. However, I can no longer have an in person conversation with my friend without FT comparing, contrasting and contradicting everything I say. Blue for me is red for her. If my friend makes an attempt to give me attention while FT is around, FT automatically reacts by trying to either change the subject or distract my friend's attention. FT just can't be quiet. FT it patronizing to me as she makes comments like "You are cute and sweet." Really? She doesn't have any kids, but she shows up to all the kids' activities: school plays, sport practices and games, cooking classes, every stinking event it seems. So the air of drama is constantly in the air. She has had lots of men and has social acceptance problems. She met someone last year and is finally getting married - everything happened fast. So now of course she has a secure place in our circle, which is somewhat fine, but she can't keep her mouth shut, and my friend is her savior - comes to her defense all the time. So I digress and distanced myself. My friend asked me about the distance, I told her about the high maintenance situation and the stress it induced when FT is around (there is seemingly no moment without her). So I've decided to let her reign. My friend claims oblivion, and has tried to sell FT to me in a new package, even enlisting my help in helping this girl overcome her issues - new marriage looks to be on shaky grounds already. What! Whatever. FT is very alert to my interaction with my friend and therefore meddles a lot out of jealousy. My friend is sweeping things under the carpet because she now has strong affection for both of us and is trying her cumbaya approach, Again!

If you pps are wondering if I'm jealous as well; well maybe, and it's human. More than anything though FT is trying to displace me and it's annoying. FT has more to gain from the collected resources in our circle. However, FT need not fear anything because most of the group members are very generous with their time and resources - myself included. Besides we're almost or well into our 40's, and this feels like high school.

FT is a former southern bell who has lost her power over men as she hasn't/is not aging well. Thus, the reason why she waited so long to wed, even though, according to her she had many opportunities. She woke-up one day and the strappy males weren't knocking on her doors anymore and so she had to settle for a guy with baggage. Although my friend is extremely protective of FT, she is spread thin because FT, her kids, husband, community, other interest and prior friends.

I've given you pps a plate full but expect you'll rightly square me away. I am too close to the situation to get a true perspective. So what's the good, the bad, the ugly?

Ps. I do know how this message sounds and know how I should I proceed. But, since the whole situation is annoying I felt compelled to write this short rant. Thanks in advance for all of your time and response.