Learning about being adopted through an anonymous call...

[Anonymous]

Yup, that's what happened to my former colleague. As my mom told me the story I got so so so so angry but in the end everything ended up well. This is a very dear person to me, when we worked together she was always so nice, sweet and going out of her way to help everybody around her. She was depressed we could tell but it never really affected her job.

My mom became friends with her mom just a few months ago when my parents returned to my home town after retirement. Today, on the phone with my mom she comes to tell me that my colleague's mom told her this story this morning when my mom went to visit them.

To make a long story short, my colleague got an anonymous call saying she was adopted. She reached for her older brother immediately who told her to come over to his home that night. He called their middle brother and they all met that night for dinner and they told her the truth. There was a lot of crying. The brothers called the mom next day and told her they told little sis the truth. Mom called everybody for dinner next day at her home and they all talked for hours. My colleague confessed to them that she always thought there was something going on but was never brave enough to ask anything. She didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings and just kept those thoughts for herself. After a week or so my colleague asked her mom how she would feel if she went to meet the biological mother and her mom said she didn't mind at all, she'd even go with her if she wanted. They contacted the couple that gave her away and the couple invited them to spend a day over the very next weekend. The bio family threw a BBQ and got to meet their little sister. She is the youngest of 5 boys and 1 girl. Mom gave her away because she could not care for her. She starved during the pregnancy and the baby was extremely small.

My colleague, since then has changed so much according to her adoptive mom. She's become more and more loving, the depression disappeared and she grew even closer to her siblings. I'm so happy to hear that this story ended in such a beautiful way.

I can't help myself but think what kind of person would do such a thing to someone as in pick up the phone and reveal such an important family secret? I'm glad it turned out well but I still have this pit in my stomach... My cousin committed suicide exactly 2 years ago today and I guess this story hit me so hard because I suspect that he found out he was adopted and could not deal with it. The entire family knew but nobody ever told him. He was such an intelligent guy, 3 masters, 2 PhDs, a very stable job in technology, one of the most respected professionals in his field and still he was never content. I miss him so much. He was 10 years older than me and I must say that he's responsible for a big part of the accomplishments I've had in my life. He was always the free spirit in the family, the smart guy giving the younger cousins tips on getting what they wanted and reaching their potential. I miss him so much!

Sorry for the long post but I just had to vent.

[Anonymous]

Does your friend know you are posting this? I'd be furious if someone posted my life online without my permission.

[Anonymous]

P.S. I just Googled "I learned I was adopted through an anonymous call" and "learning about adoption through an anonymous call" and this, your DCUM post, came up first. Your colleague could Google that, to find solace in other stories, and find hers online.

[Anonymous]

My friend doesn't speak English so relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend doesn't speak English so relax.

I find that hard to believe, do you like in another country? Does your mom speak the same language as her? How could she be a colleague of yours, if she can't speak english. And why is your mom gossiping about this poor woman?

[Anonymous]

Think about how the birth mom felt and how much she must have been wanting to reach out to her child. Most adopted children know they're adopted by the time their adults anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend doesn't speak English so relax.

I find that hard to believe, do you like in another country? Does your mom speak the same language as her? How could she be a colleague of yours, if she can't speak english. And why is your mom gossiping about this poor woman?

You should get out of your cave then. I'm from another country, I live in DC area and moved here just a few years ago, duh!

[Anonymous]

OP, I know your heart is in the right place, but please be careful about attributing suicide, depression or other issues to someone's adoption. As an adoptee and an adoptive mother, I'm sensitive to things that play into stereotypes about adoption. Yes, it's very true some adoptees talk of always feeling out of place, knowing something wasn't as it seemed, not fitting in, etc...but that's far from universal. It's also easy/tempting to say those feelings stem from the adoption, not something else. Millions of people raised within their biological families are depressed or commit suicide and recent research shows the difference b/w adoptees and non-adoptees doesn't conform to the stereotype (see below). It also doesn't do anyone any good to perpetuate the stereotype that if an adoptee just reunites with their bio family, those "holes" they have will close. It's so individual and fact-dependent and adoptees can be left feeling worse if they don't feel "whole" like all the happy stories tell them they should.

I know this wasn't what you were trying to do, but in providing all these details and attributing feelings to people based on your perceptions or guesses, you're playing into the stereotypes. If your point is how awful a person must be to reveal a significant secret to someone anonymously, it can be done without the speculation about the implications of a person's adoption.


"This study addresses the controversy of whether adopted adolescents are at risk for more mental health problems than the nonadopted and specifically evaluates differences in suicide ideation and depression. Same gender comparisons were made between 346 adopted adolescents and nearly 14,000 others living with biological parents, with nationally representative data from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health. Results showed few divergences in suicide ideation, attempts, and depression between adopted and nonadopted adolescents and young adultsResults showed few divergences in suicide ideation, attempts, and depression between adopted and nonadopted adolescents and young adults." "Are Adoptees at Increased Risk for Attempting Suicide?" Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior ,William Feigelman PhD, Article first published online: 6 JAN 2011

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think about how the birth mom felt and how much she must have been wanting to reach out to her child. Most adopted children know they're adopted by the time their adults anyway.

OP here, my mom is adopted also so I know exactly what you mean... I'm just glad to know that nowadays adoptive parents are being more honest with their children early on. My mom learned from a very young age that she was adopted and she says it was the best thing to know that from the beginning. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that someone one day just picked up the phone and in a very coward way just broke this to someone who's already so fragile.

I wonder if this is somewhat similar to what happened to my cousin...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know your heart is in the right place, but please be careful about attributing suicide, depression or other issues to someone's adoption. As an adoptee and an adoptive mother, I'm sensitive to things that play into stereotypes about adoption. Yes, it's very true some adoptees talk of always feeling out of place, knowing something wasn't as it seemed, not fitting in, etc...but that's far from universal. It's also easy/tempting to say those feelings stem from the adoption, not something else. Millions of people raised within their biological families are depressed or commit suicide and recent research shows the difference b/w adoptees and non-adoptees doesn't conform to the stereotype (see below). It also doesn't do anyone any good to perpetuate the stereotype that if an adoptee just reunites with their bio family, those "holes" they have will close. It's so individual and fact-dependent and adoptees can be left feeling worse if they don't feel "whole" like all the happy stories tell them they should.

I know this wasn't what you were trying to do, but in providing all these details and attributing feelings to people based on your perceptions or guesses, you're playing into the stereotypes. If your point is how awful a person must be to reveal a significant secret to someone anonymously, it can be done without the speculation about the implications of a person's adoption.


"This study addresses the controversy of whether adopted adolescents are at risk for more mental health problems than the nonadopted and specifically evaluates differences in suicide ideation and depression. Same gender comparisons were made between 346 adopted adolescents and nearly 14,000 others living with biological parents, with nationally representative data from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health. Results showed few divergences in suicide ideation, attempts, and depression between adopted and nonadopted adolescents and young adultsResults showed few divergences in suicide ideation, attempts, and depression between adopted and nonadopted adolescents and young adults." "Are Adoptees at Increased Risk for Attempting Suicide?" Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior ,William Feigelman PhD, Article first published online: 6 JAN 2011

Thanks for your post. OP here and forgive me if that was the impression I gave. I was just writing about what my colleague SAID to her parents upon being revealed about the adoption. It came out of her own mouth that she felt out of place and even suspected but never had the courage to ask them.

With my cousin it is speculation because he never said anything but we have strong indicators that he found out in a not very pleasant way about his experience. He adopted a child himself and his marriage ended because the wife didn't want to tell the child about the adoption.

Anyway, I guess I came to the wrong place to vent.

[Anonymous]

LOL DCUM is never a good place to vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know your heart is in the right place, but please be careful about attributing suicide, depression or other issues to someone's adoption. As an adoptee and an adoptive mother, I'm sensitive to things that play into stereotypes about adoption. Yes, it's very true some adoptees talk of always feeling out of place, knowing something wasn't as it seemed, not fitting in, etc...but that's far from universal. It's also easy/tempting to say those feelings stem from the adoption, not something else. Millions of people raised within their biological families are depressed or commit suicide and recent research shows the difference b/w adoptees and non-adoptees doesn't conform to the stereotype (see below). It also doesn't do anyone any good to perpetuate the stereotype that if an adoptee just reunites with their bio family, those "holes" they have will close. It's so individual and fact-dependent and adoptees can be left feeling worse if they don't feel "whole" like all the happy stories tell them they should.

I know this wasn't what you were trying to do, but in providing all these details and attributing feelings to people based on your perceptions or guesses, you're playing into the stereotypes. If your point is how awful a person must be to reveal a significant secret to someone anonymously, it can be done without the speculation about the implications of a person's adoption.


"This study addresses the controversy of whether adopted adolescents are at risk for more mental health problems than the nonadopted and specifically evaluates differences in suicide ideation and depression. Same gender comparisons were made between 346 adopted adolescents and nearly 14,000 others living with biological parents, with nationally representative data from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health. Results showed few divergences in suicide ideation, attempts, and depression between adopted and nonadopted adolescents and young adultsResults showed few divergences in suicide ideation, attempts, and depression between adopted and nonadopted adolescents and young adults." "Are Adoptees at Increased Risk for Attempting Suicide?" Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior ,William Feigelman PhD, Article first published online: 6 JAN 2011

Amen.

[Anonymous]

Stop FBFNFTM! You're killing me. But I like your creativity. Maybe you should write a book.

[Anonymous]

This is so weird.

[Anonymous]

What's your point OP?

What is your "vent"? The story had a happy ending about your co worker.

It seems like you are trying out various ideaas for a novel or lifetime movie.