A friend regrets adopting her daughter

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who adopted a girl six years ago. Her daughter is now 8 years old and has social and behavioral problems that have increased. I am getting worried because my friend is becoming disconnected from her adopted daughter. My friend is close with her other siblings (also adopted), but something has changed with her relationship with her eight year old. My friend has said things that make me believe she regrets having adopted her daughter. Does anyone have any advice on how to help my friend revive her close relationship with her daughter? I am worried that everyone in the family will suffer if the daughter is treated as an outsider within the family. I do not want to write any more about their lives because I don't want there to be any risk that they be identified.

[Anonymous]

Therapy

[Anonymous]

maybe she can give the child back

[Anonymous]

Having known people with problem children, just be there for your friend - she needs all the support she can get - it's very hard. It's like if you walked the path she's on, you might understand. (unless she is telling you she wishes the child didn't exist or she hates him/her or whatever)

[Anonymous]

"if the daughter is treated as an outsider"

Agree with PP's suggestion to support your friend - if what you're seeing is really just about a struggling parent dealing with a troubled child.

If she's singling her daughter out and treating her as less than her siblings, then please consider doing something about it. You could talk to a therapist about what you've seen, and they could tell you if what you've seen is abuse, and what to do about it. Or you could try talking to your friend - using neutral language and tone to describe actions/reactions you've seen. No conclusions, just keep the focus on observations.

As I'm sure you know, a lot of adopted children come with serious emotional issues. From the outside looking in, it looks like the parent is being abusive when they're just trying to help the child. I hope that's what you're seeing, OP, but your "outsider" comment makes me concerned. I'm from a family where one child really was an abused scapegoat. Very bad dynamic for everyone - scapegoat and siblings. Horrible, actually. The scapegoat got through the experience okay, but the siblings have been pretty badly psychologially damaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who adopted a girl six years ago. Her daughter is now 8 years old and has social and behavioral problems that have increased. I am getting worried because my friend is becoming disconnected from her adopted daughter. My friend is close with her other siblings (also adopted), but something has changed with her relationship with her eight year old. My friend has said things that make me believe she regrets having adopted her daughter. Does anyone have any advice on how to help my friend revive her close relationship with her daughter? I am worried that everyone in the family will suffer if the daughter is treated as an outsider within the family. I do not want to write any more about their lives because I don't want there to be any risk that they be identified.

She may regret the adoption. It happens, especially when children have serious problems. As an outsider, you may never see the true extent of the issues.

As far as what you do to help her revive the relationship - Nothing. There is nothing you as an outsider can do. Also, don't assume she is not doing anything to make the situation better. She may very well be pursuing therapy or other avenues and may not be in a place that she can discuss it yet.

[Anonymous]

Has the child been evaluated for reactive attachment disorder? It is extremely draining on the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:maybe she can give the child back

I know someone who did this but after only 2 years. The child had some developmental issues and they decided they didn't want to deal with it. Heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:maybe she can give the child back

I know someone who did this but after only 2 years. The child had some developmental issues and they decided they didn't want to deal with it. Heartbreaking.

Wow, I thought this was a sarcastic joke! So sad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:maybe she can give the child back

I know someone who did this but after only 2 years. The child had some developmental issues and they decided they didn't want to deal with it. Heartbreaking.

No you don't know anyone who did this - it's not possible to "give back" a child. Who the hell do you think you are going to give the child back to???

When an adoption dissolution occurs, the family of the child must look to place the child in another adoptive home. They can't just call the adoption agency and say "hey, take back this kid right now". Adoption agencies don't run homes of any sort in the US. And if the parents did make that call, the adoption agency would call CPS immediately to intervene and it would not be pretty for the family and this is especially true for those who have other children in the home. And even if they are allowed to relinquish the child to the state (which is rare btw), the state finds another adoptive home for the child to go to (unless the situation is so severe that the child must be put in a residential setting)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who did this but after only 2 years. The child had some developmental issues and they decided they didn't want to deal with it. Heartbreaking.

No you don't know anyone who did this - it's not possible to "give back" a child. Who the hell do you think you are going to give the child back to???

When an adoption dissolution occurs, the family of the child must look to place the child in another adoptive home. They can't just call the adoption agency and say "hey, take back this kid right now". Adoption agencies don't run homes of any sort in the US. And if the parents did make that call, the adoption agency would call CPS immediately to intervene and it would not be pretty for the family and this is especially true for those who have other children in the home. And even if they are allowed to relinquish the child to the state (which is rare btw), the state finds another adoptive home for the child to go to (unless the situation is so severe that the child must be put in a residential setting)

You are wrong PP. If a child is adopted through an agency, the agency will often, but not always, assist in finding temporary placements and then ultimately rehoming the child. Agencies are also permitted by the courts to take custody of the child when the adoptive parents file with the court to terminate their parental rights. You might find yourself surprised at the depth of resources some agencies have when it comes to adoption disruptions.

And, as far as it being heartbreaking, I don't see it that way. If a family can't or won't care for a child, it's worse to force them to keep the child then to rehome the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who did this but after only 2 years. The child had some developmental issues and they decided they didn't want to deal with it. Heartbreaking.

No you don't know anyone who did this - it's not possible to "give back" a child. Who the hell do you think you are going to give the child back to???

When an adoption dissolution occurs, the family of the child must look to place the child in another adoptive home. They can't just call the adoption agency and say "hey, take back this kid right now". Adoption agencies don't run homes of any sort in the US. And if the parents did make that call, the adoption agency would call CPS immediately to intervene and it would not be pretty for the family and this is especially true for those who have other children in the home. And even if they are allowed to relinquish the child to the state (which is rare btw), the state finds another adoptive home for the child to go to (unless the situation is so severe that the child must be put in a residential setting)

You are wrong PP. If a child is adopted through an agency, the agency will often, but not always, assist in finding temporary placements and then ultimately rehoming the child. Agencies are also permitted by the courts to take custody of the child when the adoptive parents file with the court to terminate their parental rights. You might find yourself surprised at the depth of resources some agencies have when it comes to adoption disruptions.

And, as far as it being heartbreaking, I don't see it that way. If a family can't or won't care for a child, it's worse to force them to keep the child then to rehome the child.

No, I am not wrong and we are saying the same thing. The agency does not take the child back but an agency will or may assist a family to find another family for the child to be adopted by. During that time though, the child remains in the home. The child never "goes back" anywhere. The child moves on to another home. Agencies are not going to take custody of a child because they don't have the resources to actually care for a child. Adoption agencies are administrative offices not homes that provide care. By the time a parent goes to court to voluntarily relinquish they have already identified another family for the child to live in and the child has usually moved.

[Anonymous]

To get back to the OP's topic/question, individual therapy for the mother before family therapy is the way to go. A good friend of mine was adopted and her mother did not attach to her. It happens, and will have impacts for the child's entire life. The child may have RAD and may have other troubling behaviors, but you are picking up on the mother's distance and that's where the family should start. Individual therapy for the mother can help her figure out what's going on and aid her in doing what she needs to do to continue to provide her daughter with a loving home. She is the adult and it needs to start with her.

It's true that parents can be distant from and/or not very attached to bio children as well, but when that dynamic is laid on top of adoption it is very damaging for the child. It goes beyond not being the favorite because the adopted child relies on the love of parents and integration into family life to create a sense of belonging. While distance in a bio family can cause drama or hurt feelings, it typically has to be extreme to erode the child's core sense of being a part of the family. An adopted child is at greater risk of this happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No, I am not wrong and we are saying the same thing. The agency does not take the child back but an agency will or may assist a family to find another family for the child to be adopted by. During that time though, the child remains in the home. The child never "goes back" anywhere. The child moves on to another home. Agencies are not going to take custody of a child because they don't have the resources to actually care for a child. Adoption agencies are administrative offices not homes that provide care. By the time a parent goes to court to voluntarily relinquish they have already identified another family for the child to live in and the child has usually moved.

This is the place we disagree. Some agencies have respite families and the child will go there during the relinquishment/disruption process. I know this because I work in one and I have a child that came from another.

[Anonymous]

Or, maybe the attachment issue is with the mother and not fully to blame on RAD or the child. I've seen it happen several times that parents could not get over the fact they could not have biological children and adoption was their last resort. They cared for their children but could not get past that inner feeling of biology. It takes two to bond and if it is not mutual, how can on expect a child to bond.