Predicting spousal support

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a similar situation as a SAHM. Are there any lawyers (Fairfax County) that are especially good at representing women in this kind of situation?

OP here. I wish we could talk.

OP, I am the poster who is a SAHM in a similar situation (in case my reply doesn't link to the post). I wish we could talk, too, but I don't know how to do that on this forum without posting personal contact information (which I don't want to do, and I'm not sure the platform will even allow).

I was in a very similar situation and the relief when it was finally settled was enormous. It was a very painful, stressful time. I'm sorry you're both dealing with this.

I think you can post a throwaway email address and connect that way. I've not tried it and it's not foolproof, since you still won't know exactly who you're talking to. Booooo.

OP here - that’s the hard part bc I could set one up but still no good way to ensure authenticity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 20 years you will get alimony for life.

That doesn’t really play out in reality.

I’m not in VA but in a very alimony friendly state if you’ve been married a long time. Married 25 years so according to the guidelines I could have gotten it for life. I got the equivalent of 8 years upfront. Ours is a complicated situation and it wasn’t in cash but the equivalent of 8 years. We mediated and did not go to court so we just had to agree. The only reason I agreed is I ended up with significant assets. Enough that I don’t have to work if I don’t want to. I haven’t worked for 18 years.

Alimony is a crap shoot. It’s much better if you can work something out between the two of you vs going to court.

OP here. Attorney says that I could get indefinite but it would have to be modifiable. Or I could ask for a defined time and not have it be modifiable and he would have to petition if he needed to change it.

I am oversimplifying this but I feel like with a 20 year marriage i should ask for 20 years of support. Consulting with my attorney but any thoughts out there?

I’m sorry but nobody needs 20 years of support. Don’t be ridiculous and greedy OP. At some point you only need to support yourself which can been done within a reasonable amount of time even if you don’t have a degree. Get support until you can launch yourself.

[Anonymous]

Completely agree with other posters. Va is the worst when it comes to alimony. I’m struggling just to make it to my next pay period every two weeks and my ex, which I’m paying alimony to for the next 15 years, is practically retired and having the time of their lives, working fun jobs, traveling, and not furthering themself or a career in anyway. It’s bs.

[Anonymous]

After 25 years of marriage my aunt got about 5 years of support, enough to do a graduate degree for a new career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 20 years you will get alimony for life.

That doesn’t really play out in reality.

I’m not in VA but in a very alimony friendly state if you’ve been married a long time. Married 25 years so according to the guidelines I could have gotten it for life. I got the equivalent of 8 years upfront. Ours is a complicated situation and it wasn’t in cash but the equivalent of 8 years. We mediated and did not go to court so we just had to agree. The only reason I agreed is I ended up with significant assets. Enough that I don’t have to work if I don’t want to. I haven’t worked for 18 years.

Alimony is a crap shoot. It’s much better if you can work something out between the two of you vs going to court.

OP here. Attorney says that I could get indefinite but it would have to be modifiable. Or I could ask for a defined time and not have it be modifiable and he would have to petition if he needed to change it.

I am oversimplifying this but I feel like with a 20 year marriage i should ask for 20 years of support. Consulting with my attorney but any thoughts out there?

This seems crazy to me and I’m sympathetic to your situation. Will your spouse even be employed in 20 years?

From a psychological perspective getting more up front seems better for everyone. Every ongoing alimony situation I’ve seen involves intense acrimony that gets more extreme over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 20 years you will get alimony for life.

That doesn’t really play out in reality.

I’m not in VA but in a very alimony friendly state if you’ve been married a long time. Married 25 years so according to the guidelines I could have gotten it for life. I got the equivalent of 8 years upfront. Ours is a complicated situation and it wasn’t in cash but the equivalent of 8 years. We mediated and did not go to court so we just had to agree. The only reason I agreed is I ended up with significant assets. Enough that I don’t have to work if I don’t want to. I haven’t worked for 18 years.

Alimony is a crap shoot. It’s much better if you can work something out between the two of you vs going to court.

OP here. Attorney says that I could get indefinite but it would have to be modifiable. Or I could ask for a defined time and not have it be modifiable and he would have to petition if he needed to change it.

I am oversimplifying this but I feel like with a 20 year marriage i should ask for 20 years of support. Consulting with my attorney but any thoughts out there?

I’m sorry but nobody needs 20 years of support. Don’t be ridiculous and greedy OP. At some point you only need to support yourself which can been done within a reasonable amount of time even if you don’t have a degree. Get support until you can launch yourself.

Have you ever taken a decade long break from the workforce and then tried to find a job that would allow for modest housing, long term healthcare, retirement, maybe a used car? It’s almost impossible to, especially now. And when the market tanks, cuz it’s gonna tank, anything you had will be wiped out too. Patriarchal capitalism is deadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Completely agree with other posters. Va is the worst when it comes to alimony. I’m struggling just to make it to my next pay period every two weeks and my ex, which I’m paying alimony to for the next 15 years, is practically retired and having the time of their lives, working fun jobs, traveling, and not furthering themself or a career in anyway. It’s bs.

Sorry but she did the heavy lifting at home. Maybe if you were a better husband this wouldn’t have happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely agree with other posters. Va is the worst when it comes to alimony. I’m struggling just to make it to my next pay period every two weeks and my ex, which I’m paying alimony to for the next 15 years, is practically retired and having the time of their lives, working fun jobs, traveling, and not furthering themself or a career in anyway. It’s bs.

Sorry but she did the heavy lifting at home. Maybe if you were a better husband this wouldn’t have happened?

No. She didn’t.

[Anonymous]

I will never understand why people assume every woman who under earned during marriage was contributing to his career or raising kids. There are so many women who just don't even feel like working a retail job when their husband makes enough to cover their expenses. My DH pays lifetime alimony to his ex in VA. He also had to pay the mortgage on the family house and sign over the title to her. Their youngest turned 18 over 15 years ago. They divorced when youngest was 8. IMO the longest alimony should have lasted was 10 years, and she shouldn't have gotten a free house out of the deal. He was a fed worker in his 30s. So, not a high earner. BTW she's an alcoholic who couldn't provide basic care for their 2 kids. He woke, fed, and drove them to school each day til l the divorce, yet she got full custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand why people assume every woman who under earned during marriage was contributing to his career or raising kids. There are so many women who just don't even feel like working a retail job when their husband makes enough to cover their expenses. My DH pays lifetime alimony to his ex in VA. He also had to pay the mortgage on the family house and sign over the title to her. Their youngest turned 18 over 15 years ago. They divorced when youngest was 8. IMO the longest alimony should have lasted was 10 years, and she shouldn't have gotten a free house out of the deal. He was a fed worker in his 30s. So, not a high earner. BTW she's an alcoholic who couldn't provide basic care for their 2 kids. He woke, fed, and drove them to school each day til l the divorce, yet she got full custody.

Your husband is lying to you to justify why he didn't see his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Completely agree with other posters. Va is the worst when it comes to alimony. I’m struggling just to make it to my next pay period every two weeks and my ex, which I’m paying alimony to for the next 15 years, is practically retired and having the time of their lives, working fun jobs, traveling, and not furthering themself or a career in anyway. It’s bs.

I don’t understand this. Why would your ex be getting more than half of your paycheck?

As much as I hear people complain about spousal support payments, I don’t know anyone, man or woman, where the working spouse is worse off than the SAH spouse post divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand why people assume every woman who under earned during marriage was contributing to his career or raising kids. There are so many women who just don't even feel like working a retail job when their husband makes enough to cover their expenses. My DH pays lifetime alimony to his ex in VA. He also had to pay the mortgage on the family house and sign over the title to her. Their youngest turned 18 over 15 years ago. They divorced when youngest was 8. IMO the longest alimony should have lasted was 10 years, and she shouldn't have gotten a free house out of the deal. He was a fed worker in his 30s. So, not a high earner. BTW she's an alcoholic who couldn't provide basic care for their 2 kids. He woke, fed, and drove them to school each day til l the divorce, yet she got full custody.

Your husband is lying to you to justify why he didn't see his kids.

+100

Either (1) she got full custody- despite his wishes for shared custody- for valid/documented reasons or (2) he didn’t want custody.

Usually it is option 2. Men know that this “looks bad” so they lie to subsequent partners and claim that the mom “wouldn’t let him” see the kids or complain about court bias. Very very common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely agree with other posters. Va is the worst when it comes to alimony. I’m struggling just to make it to my next pay period every two weeks and my ex, which I’m paying alimony to for the next 15 years, is practically retired and having the time of their lives, working fun jobs, traveling, and not furthering themself or a career in anyway. It’s bs.

I don’t understand this. Why would your ex be getting more than half of your paycheck?

As much as I hear people complain about spousal support payments, I don’t know anyone, man or woman, where the working spouse is worse off than the SAH spouse post divorce.

He is either grossly exaggerating, or has started an expensive new family already. Which is going to make for a tight budget but is his choice.

[Anonymous]

Who said my DH didn't see his kids? As soon as they turned 18, they moved in with him. They have managed to become good people despite her. They have as little contact with her as possible. Her own mother keeps her distance from her.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't help that she lied to them about the divorce settlement. For years she claimed she was broke and needed the kids to subsidize her living expenses since she'd "sacrificed" so much for them as a "single mom" when they were kids. Finally, one of them asked DH to see the divorce decree and realized she was just trying to mooch off/guilt trip them.