controlling mil

[Anonymous]

dh had a severe accident a few months ago and needed surgery. my mil, who i think has borderline personality disorder, came and stayed with us several times. it was a very bad experience all around, although dh kept saying "my mom is such a saint for coming out here to help me" - she spoon fed him at times (when he didn't need that kind of care), but refused to help out with our 2 very small children (baby and toddler) to the point where i actually moved out to a friend's place b/c she could not and would no even change a diaper, pick up a crying child or basically do anything other than pose for pics with the kids. she demanded that i take off work b/c she refused to drive even to the grocery store that is a 2 minute drive away. she alienated the nanny, the back-up nanny, my mother, and my father, all of whom went out of their way to take care of dh and his mother. (MIl actually sat my parents down one day and said "you're daughter is too aggressive; she causes a lot of problems. you need to learn to control her.") - um, i'm 35.

fast forward; we had a major blow-out and she left one day early on her last time here. we have barely spoken since and dh has said, effectively "hey, this is ok if you don't want to be friends. i'm sorry ot pushed you to be friendly all these years"

fast forward to tonight: mil calls, scolds dh for not calling her today (she called once in am already) and not calling yesterday and then complained that she's "not welcome" in our home (i heard dh say over and over - of course you're welcome, of course, she'll talk to you). then she demands that we come visit her. has a total melt down - i hear my dh on the phone in the other room through all of this. she does her usual "i'm so lonely, i'm all alone, i hate that you live in DC" that she always does and for the first time, dh stood up to her a little - told her "this is our life, this is the way it is. i'm going to focus on my kids right now." conversation was loooong. when he came out, he ran to computer and started booking a flight for april. april, the month he told me he is so insanely busy that we can't go anywhere, not even NYc to visit his sister and my brother. no where. not even a wknd away.

i just don't know how to help him deal with her -i heard him put up a few barriers, try to hold strong to his primary family, but in the end, he crumbled, got in a bad mood and then fought with me, saying "you're just like her. you're the same - always competing!" - this because i urged him to come along to date night (he came out of room fuming and said, let's not go - my point was - let's spend some time together, let's work on the "us" - we've had a shaky marriage that after this accident has become stronger).

questions for the group: is there any way to help my dh deal with this? anything i can say to say effectively "i'm on your side and its ok to stand up for yourself" without seeming like a bitch?

and how do i control my own feelings? my therapist said i should probably so some reading on borderline personality b/c it'll help me feel less personally attacked.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why you would need to read up on borderline personality disorder in order for you not to feel attacked. I'm also not sure why you're assuming she has this unless she's shared a diagnosis with you. Also, when she stayed with you, if she was willing to help with DH, not sure why you'd need her to help with the kids at the same time, especially if you have nannies and near by family. Lots of MILs don't change diapers.

She sounds like a difficult person, but if your husband wants to visit her then fine. It's his mother. Keep trying to have date nights with DH, but honestly, do not criticize or talk about his mother. There really is no need since she doesn't live locally so your interaction is limited and the crisis situation is over.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need so much help with your kids? Your have 2 nannies???

[Anonymous]

Jesus. Your poor husband.

[Anonymous]

Op. Oy. I have a nanny I use when mine is sick. My regular nanny was sick for 3 days around the time of the accident, so I had to call the back up.

[Anonymous]

So sorry to hear about your struggles, OP.

My MIL may have been BPD (I didn't know her long and had no idea what to make of her behavior before I knew more about this), and in the last few years it has become clear that my DH definitely is. Lots of drama, much as you've described. No answers, but much sympathy.

Hope your DH's recovery has gone well. When my kid had a serious accident a couple of years ago, Crazy Man couldn't pull his head out of his mostly imaginary-assed issues long enough to help me or at least preserve a home atmosphere conducive to her recovery. It was all about him, even then.

[Anonymous]

I don't know...honestly, your MIL sounds like a handful, but I feel like you have the power in you to be the bigger person, let these irritations go, and ultimately allow your DH to do right by his mom without feeling like he has to decide between the two of you. If you could just be the bigger person here, wouldn't it make your life and your DH's life (and MIL) better?

You can't change your MIL. You can't change how your DH will respond to her. And since neither DH nor your MIL is here asking us for advice, my only advice is that you can only change how *you* respond to your MIL.

- MIL comes to take care of DH. She spoon-feeds him. I agree, it is ridiculous to spoon feed someone in his thirties. But can't you just roll your eyes inwardly and laugh about it when she's gone? Why is it such a big deal?
- MIL can't change a diaper or comfort a crying baby. She's not good with children. She can't be counted on to help out with a child. But she was here to help with DH right? Not with the kids. My own mother will NOT change a diaper. It pissed me off to come back after 2 hrs to find my infant with a bulging, dirty diaper. But now I know, I can't rely on her for that.
- MIL won't drive. Yes, she sounds high maintenance. Why would you have to take off work to go to the grocery store though? You would have to go in any case, if she were here or not right? My own MIL doesn't drive...we have to drive her everywhere. It would make my life a lot easier if she did, but I've accepted that's just the way things are. But I like her, so I don't mind. It sounds like you dislike her, so everything little thing becomes a huge thing that just adds to your distaste. However, the one it's really hurting is your DH.

[Anonymous]

OP I feel your pain. My MIL is a nightmare. You had enough on your plate with the accident. Yeah she helped your husband, but if she stresses the rest of the system it's bad for the family.

My husband can be a lot like yours. I don't recommend couples therapy though I'm surprised nobody recommended it. We encountered a therapist who had her own serious issues and it was such a waste and we didn't feel like shopping around.

I try to revisit topics when I am not furious so I can really discuss the issue with DH and how it affects me and us. I find anger is counterproductive so i do it when I am more in control, but yet can show my vulnerability and hurt.

Your husband is confused and has mixed loyalty right now. He has every right to a relationship with his mom and you are not denying him that. However, his loyalty must be to you-you are the team and his mom needs to respect it. It's up to him to set boundaries.

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and we go through good times where we are totally on the same page and strong and OMG this may do in our marriage times when it comes to dealing with in laws.

[Anonymous]

I misread your post initially - thought your MIL spoon fed a baby - not your husband! OK, that is really dysfunctional. My guess though is he is so used to her coddling that he enjoys it, so I would tread litely with how you address your dislike of it to him. that being said, my mother in law has major personality disorders and has these explosions due to her superiority/inferiority complex where anything and everything is a personal attack or consipracy against her and she screams and yells and insults. We say nothing and just shut her out. I suggest you two have much less contact with your monster in law - just fade her out a bit from your lives. She sounds like trouble. Sorry - I can totally relate. Good thing you live in DC - I'm guessing she hates driving down to see you.

[Anonymous]

She was there to help care for HER SON, not to be your babysitter, nanny, maid, grocery shopper, etc. Why do you think she should have been waiting on you? You have two nannies, your family, and you sound like an entitled spoiled brat who should never have had children because, obviously, you can't take care of them. Thank goodness your DH had his mother to help care for him because you would have left him to fend for himself and probably complained that he didn't change diapers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was there to help care for HER SON, not to be your babysitter, nanny, maid, grocery shopper, etc. Why do you think she should have been waiting on you? You have two nannies, your family, and you sound like an entitled spoiled brat who should never have had children because, obviously, you can't take care of them. Thank goodness your DH had his mother to help care for him because you would have left him to fend for himself and probably complained that he didn't change diapers.

You are a bitch - male or female.

I understand totally what OP is saying. She works, comes home to relieve her alienated nanny that I am guessing the MIL treated like doggie doo doo all day, and in addition to care taking for her poor husband (I doubt her white gloved MIL does much), and her 2 kids, she has to put up with her MIL's crap. Exhausting. I totally understand. 2 kids with your husband's help isn't bad, but with him laid up and your MIL's drama, that must be tiring. Kudos to you for dealing. I would probably not be as patient as you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was there to help care for HER SON, not to be your babysitter, nanny, maid, grocery shopper, etc. Why do you think she should have been waiting on you? You have two nannies, your family, and you sound like an entitled spoiled brat who should never have had children because, obviously, you can't take care of them. Thank goodness your DH had his mother to help care for him because you would have left him to fend for himself and probably complained that he didn't change diapers.

Feel better now, PP? Wow -- why so angry? Thanks for the useless contribution to this conversation. Maybe go run off some of that anger steam and leave the rest of us alone? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Would your expectations be the same if FIL came instead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was there to help care for HER SON, not to be your babysitter, nanny, maid, grocery shopper, etc. Why do you think she should have been waiting on you? You have two nannies, your family, and you sound like an entitled spoiled brat who should never have had children because, obviously, you can't take care of them. Thank goodness your DH had his mother to help care for him because you would have left him to fend for himself and probably complained that he didn't change diapers.

OP - looks like your MIL found this forum. YIKES!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was there to help care for HER SON, not to be your babysitter, nanny, maid, grocery shopper, etc. Why do you think she should have been waiting on you? You have two nannies, your family, and you sound like an entitled spoiled brat who should never have had children because, obviously, you can't take care of them. Thank goodness your DH had his mother to help care for him because you would have left him to fend for himself and probably complained that he didn't change diapers.

What was that all about, PP?

I actually think this merits a serious response, because I've found that one of the many alienating things about struggling to carry out responsibilities while working around a BPD person in your home (especially in a crisis) is that they can find a kernel of truth around which to twist the blame dumping and histrionics. BPD people can be good at demonizing their targets... and isolating them from other people's support. Given my own experience living with a BPD, I recognize OP's complaints about a family member who provides ineffective and even comically exaggerated "look at me being a saint-- not like her with her two nannies and her job" support without actually helping-- and even worse expecting to be coddled in a larger crisis.