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[quote=Anonymous]dh had a severe accident a few months ago and needed surgery. my mil, who i think has borderline personality disorder, came and stayed with us several times. it was a very bad experience all around, although dh kept saying "my mom is such a saint for coming out here to help me" - she spoon fed him at times (when he didn't need that kind of care), but refused to help out with our 2 very small children (baby and toddler) to the point where i actually moved out to a friend's place b/c she could not and would no even change a diaper, pick up a crying child or basically do anything other than pose for pics with the kids. she demanded that i take off work b/c she refused to drive even to the grocery store that is a 2 minute drive away. she alienated the nanny, the back-up nanny, my mother, and my father, all of whom went out of their way to take care of dh and his mother. (MIl actually sat my parents down one day and said "you're daughter is too aggressive; she causes a lot of problems. you need to learn to control her.") - um, i'm 35.

fast forward; we had a major blow-out and she left one day early on her last time here. we have barely spoken since and dh has said, effectively "hey, this is ok if you don't want to be friends. i'm sorry ot pushed you to be friendly all these years"

fast forward to tonight: mil calls, scolds dh for not calling her today (she called once in am already) and not calling yesterday and then complained that she's "not welcome" in our home (i heard dh say over and over - of course you're welcome, of course, she'll talk to you). then she demands that we come visit her. has a total melt down - i hear my dh on the phone in the other room through all of this. she does her usual "i'm so lonely, i'm all alone, i hate that you live in DC" that she always does and for the first time, dh stood up to her a little - told her "this is our life, this is the way it is. i'm going to focus on my kids right now." conversation was loooong. when he came out, he ran to computer and started booking a flight for april. april, the month he told me he is so insanely busy that we can't go anywhere, not even NYc to visit his sister and my brother. no where. not even a wknd away.

i just don't know how to help him deal with her -i heard him put up a few barriers, try to hold strong to his primary family, but in the end, he crumbled, got in a bad mood and then fought with me, saying "you're just like her. you're the same - always competing!" - this because i urged him to come along to date night (he came out of room fuming and said, let's not go - my point was - let's spend some time together, let's work on the "us" - we've had a shaky marriage that after this accident has become stronger).

questions for the group: is there any way to help my dh deal with this? anything i can say to say effectively "i'm on your side and its ok to stand up for yourself" without seeming like a bitch?

and how do i control my own feelings? my therapist said i should probably so some reading on borderline personality b/c it'll help me feel less personally attacked.
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