How to deal with friends who make different school choices?

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend whose child goes to daycare with mine. We have never been totally on the same page as far as parenting style, but it has never caused any issues. As we get ready to transition to elementary school, however, we are going in total different directions and I feel like its causing friction that I don't know how to deal with.

Basically, when we purchased a house a few years back we targeted neighborhoods with schools we would be happy with. We are not interested in private school, for both financial and philosophical reasons, and we didn't want to deal with the lottery stress or the commutes associated with charter schools. We also like the idea of our kids being able to walk to school and have friends in the neighborhood. We just found out that we got into our local pre-K and are very happy about it.

My friend, on the other hand, is obsessed with schools. They do not like their local school and have gone to probably every open house (public, private, and charter) in NW DC. They actually did get into a new charter school for PS last year but don't feel it's good enough so they want to switch for pre-K. I think they will probably wind up in a private school or moving to the burbs.

Which is fine, to each their own. I don't agree with their choice but it's not my business so I don't make any comments about it and try to be supportive. She, however, takes every opportunity to criticize DCPS. She has made it clear that would never even consider our school. We are actually very happy about where we wound up and think it will be great for our child.

So how do I deal with this when she makes it clear that most DCPS (and esp. ours) would never be good enough for her child? I never make any comments about private schools or moving to the burbs. Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

I feel for you in this case. In our case, we live right on the other side of a line dividing a wealthier cluster in Montgomery County from a less wealthy one. We love our school and feel it's right for our kids but frequently endure neighbors who insist they would do anything to keep their kids out of our (comparatively but not actually impoverished) school. Given that the school is actually quite good, I suspect they are trying to convince themselves their massive real estate investments were worth it to live in the other cluster. In your case, if you are close with this friend and want to remain close, you can either bite your tongue and know she is wrong, or you can kindly but directly point out to her that you in fact value education and love your child and believe your school is a good one and feel the need to defend it. If you are not too close with her, the friendship may need to peter out, since school will become a larger part of yours and the kids' lives in the next few years and you will continue to clash. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

The next time she makes a disparaging comment, say your request and immediately move on: "Hey Susie, I need you to hold your comments about DCPS. We've made what we believe is the best choice for our family just as you have made the best choice for your family. Please pass the salad." No need to discuss. Just move on.

[Anonymous]

I would actually ask her more questions-- why do you feel our school is bad? What research indicates that such and such is a problem? I've noticed that when people actually hear themselves say things out loud, they realize their ideas lack merit. Otoh, it is possible, though unlikely, that she actually knows of something you don't, so keeP an open mind.

[Anonymous]

Actually, don't be defensive or don't try to drill down into a discussion. Just say, "I hope you find the school that's right for you. We feel so lucky to have found the best fit for us, and everyone should try to find what's right for them."

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks, I will try those responses. I guess it's also difficult though to figure out how to be friends with someone who clearly thinks I don't care about my kids' well-being. There is an implied judgement that I don't know if I can ignore. Maybe it's just time to figure out if this friendship is sustainable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend whose child goes to daycare with mine. We have never been totally on the same page as far as parenting style, but it has never caused any issues. As we get ready to transition to elementary school, however, we are going in total different directions and I feel like its causing friction that I don't know how to deal with.

Basically, when we purchased a house a few years back we targeted neighborhoods with schools we would be happy with. We are not interested in private school, for both financial and philosophical reasons, and we didn't want to deal with the lottery stress or the commutes associated with charter schools. We also like the idea of our kids being able to walk to school and have friends in the neighborhood. We just found out that we got into our local pre-K and are very happy about it.

My friend, on the other hand, is obsessed with schools. They do not like their local school and have gone to probably every open house (public, private, and charter) in NW DC. They actually did get into a new charter school for PS last year but don't feel it's good enough so they want to switch for pre-K. I think they will probably wind up in a private school or moving to the burbs.

Which is fine, to each their own. I don't agree with their choice but it's not my business so I don't make any comments about it and try to be supportive. She, however, takes every opportunity to criticize DCPS. She has made it clear that would never even consider our school. We are actually very happy about where we wound up and think it will be great for our child.

So how do I deal with this when she makes it clear that most DCPS (and esp. ours) would never be good enough for her child? I never make any comments about private schools or moving to the burbs. Any suggestions?

Were you good friends before you had children and would you be good friends if you weren't doing the same things at the same time (raising children the same age, in the same neighborhood)? Sometimes friendships are based on sharing a life-path: playing on the same soccer team, working at the same company, attending the same grad school program, having children in the same daycare... Not all friendships are lifetime soulmates, many (most?) are by association. If your association drifts, the friendship may too.

Your friend sounds impolite and un-politic right now, because she's feeling a lot of angst. You aren't. Sometimes people lash out verbally when they're seeking to have their decisions validated by other people (DCUM thrives on this sort of insecurity, though that's hardly DCUM's fault).

Do you have the kind of friendship that's deep enough to withstand a move? Or is it based on convenience?

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I'm trying to make you feel better. There's a reason that most friendships don't last forever.

[Anonymous]

She sounds terribly insecure and unconfident in her choices. Just hear her out and say, "I appreciate your insights. Thank you." And leave it at that. You are probably not the only one getting an earful. If the friendship is worth committing to now that you've gone separate paths, then just steer the conversation away from schools. If it's not worth it, then just let it fade away. These things happen.

[Anonymous]

It can't be that serious. Avoid the conversation or the person. Your school choice will put you into another realm of friends. We all out grow friends and consider this a growth spurt.

[Anonymous]

It shouldn't be that hard. "well, we decided xyz...is your son playing soccer now?"

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this. Our kids aren't even close to school age and she has already started saying things like "Well, if he doesn't go to such-and-such preschool, he'll NEVER get into Yale" and other things that I honestly thought people only said ironically. It's not ironic for her. She really believes that she would be screwing up her kid's life if she doesn't send him to some elite preschool, if she doesn't put him in private school, if he doesn't take all the lessons in the world. We were friends before we had kids, but we've always had really different lifestyles and made a lot of different choices. She didn't agree at all with my decision to have DD in a birth center, but she didn't say so until DD was almost 1, at which point she had just had a baby herself.

OP, the thing is, I know she judges the choices I'm making about my daughter's care and education. I know she is. But she doesn't say anything if she's asked and she certainly doesn't think less of me as a parent for those decisions. The one time she told me she didn't agree with something I did (the birth center thing), I could tell it was really hard for her to say so and she only said anything because it came up in the context of a whole other conversation. I do not hold her judgment against her, because she is my friend and I know she thinks I'm a good parent and a good person who makes the best decisions for my family. They're just not the same decisions she would make.

If this friend of yours is a close friend, you could try telling her that you feel hurt and criticized by her comments. Try to do it without being snippy or defensive. If she is a true friend, she will back off once she knows she's hurting your feelings. If not, well, honestly, you don't need friends like that anyway.

[Anonymous]

Depending on my mood I'd either:

1-ignore her comments and change the topic.

2-ask her if she is aware how insulting her comments are and agree to not discuss schools with her.

3-agree that your school choice is horrible and state that you "can't wait until little johnny gets into street crimes!" how excited you'll be! And that you specifically chose your children's school to give them the absolute worst chances at EVERYTHING.

Then I'd let her react and apologize or get angry. Either way it helps you get on with knowing whether she's worth it as a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend like this. Our kids aren't even close to school age and she has already started saying things like "Well, if he doesn't go to such-and-such preschool, he'll NEVER get into Yale" and other things that I honestly thought people only said ironically. It's not ironic for her. She really believes that she would be screwing up her kid's life if she doesn't send him to some elite preschool, if she doesn't put him in private school, if he doesn't take all the lessons in the world. We were friends before we had kids, but we've always had really different lifestyles and made a lot of different choices. She didn't agree at all with my decision to have DD in a birth center, but she didn't say so until DD was almost 1, at which point she had just had a baby herself.

OP, the thing is, I know she judges the choices I'm making about my daughter's care and education. I know she is. But she doesn't say anything if she's asked and she certainly doesn't think less of me as a parent for those decisions. The one time she told me she didn't agree with something I did (the birth center thing), I could tell it was really hard for her to say so and she only said anything because it came up in the context of a whole other conversation. I do not hold her judgment against her, because she is my friend and I know she thinks I'm a good parent and a good person who makes the best decisions for my family. They're just not the same decisions she would make.

If this friend of yours is a close friend, you could try telling her that you feel hurt and criticized by her comments. Try to do it without being snippy or defensive. If she is a true friend, she will back off once she knows she's hurting your feelings. If not, well, honestly, you don't need friends like that anyway.

You know, I think this person has really hit the nail on the head by providing her example of a good friend, as well as the other posters who point out that sometimes you make friends from circumstances and they can be good friends while circumstances are similar, but once circumstances change, it reveals the flaws in the friendship. That is, it doesn't entirely sounds as if this friend is a tried and true, thick and thin, got your back no matter what friend. That kind of friend last beyond circumstances. THere's nothing wrong with circumstance friends, either. My best friend is someone who lives halfway across the world. We talk when we can, e-mail and Facebook. But the other day I was shopping for a surprise small care package to send to the family and I realized something - i have no idea if the kids, same age as mine, are into Cars versus superheros. Barbies or Disney Fairies. Still watching Dora or given her up for a more big kid show. We just aren't in each other's day to day lives, which makes me sad. Meanwhile, I can tell you everything about my older child's best friend, who lives two houses away. We hang out with the other parents frequently, in and out of houses. I'd call us friends. But not deep down, no matter what friends.

It does sound like your friend has a lot of angst and isn't settled. Which can lead to all sorts of (often inadvertent) lashing out. I think you can decide what ape of friend this is and how valuable the friendship is, and proceed accordingly. Maybe you need to grin and bear her comments, understanding where she's coming from, until she gets things settled. Or maybe you can call her on what she doesn't even realize she's doing. I'd just think about what you want out of whatever thing you decide to do - what's your ultimate goal - before you proceed.

[Anonymous]

I'm a lot like your friend: I have no intention of sending my kids to DCPS and will move before considering it. But I have close friends who love DCPS and who honestly believe that that's the best choice for their kids. I don't judge them for that. Their kids are not mine and may be able to thrive there; I don't think mine would. We can all share these views openly and agree that what fits one family might not fit another. I don't really see why that precludes friendship. We also have friends who choose different cars, different neighborhoods, religions, political views, etc. . . It makes life more interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a lot like your friend: I have no intention of sending my kids to DCPS and will move before considering it. But I have close friends who love DCPS and who honestly believe that that's the best choice for their kids. I don't judge them for that. Their kids are not mine and may be able to thrive there; I don't think mine would. We can all share these views openly and agree that what fits one family might not fit another. I don't really see why that precludes friendship. We also have friends who choose different cars, different neighborhoods, religions, political views, etc. . . It makes life more interesting.

If you're not disparaging your friends' choices, then you're really NOT like the OPs friend. Making different choices is fine, it's the criticizing of others' choices that's uncool.