How to deal with friends who make different school choices?

[Anonymous]

It takes all types to make the world go around. The school that you don't want just might not want you. As in relationships I do think it also is stated that in friendships that opposites attracts. A school selection is like the food-court of our lives. Our appetitites are enormous but are menu choices very specific to our diets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're not disparaging your friends' choices, then you're really NOT like the OPs friend. Making different choices is fine, it's the criticizing of others' choices that's uncool.

I don't think that's the problem OP is facing. She is being criticized not by an overt "I don't think you're making the right choice" but by a covert "look how bad DCPS is". I think it's best to respond in an overt manner. If you care that she remains your friend then you can say something like: "Look, I understand that by pointing out the flaws of our school and DCPS in general you're trying to send me the message that I'm making the wrong decision. But understand that... [add whatever others have mentioned about moving on]."

Maybe also consider the following to be at issue here:
- Deep down she is unsure that shelling out private or footing a terrible commute will be worthwhile but her husband/family convinces her that this is the way to go. So she may hope to change your mind to alleviate some cognitive dissonance she experiences. --> try to get a feel for that, maybe there are conflicts she'd want to talk about with a friend
- She understands that family friendships tend to be intimately linked to schools and really cares about your friendship or that among the children. --> move on or show that you're serious about keeping up a friendship beyond your mutual school choices by inviting her over or out
- She may truly want to engage you. --> Invite her to come check out the choice you've made.

[Anonymous]

I have been on the other side of this coin. We send our kids to private and have many friends who send their kids to DCPS. Inevitably it comes up and we feel very judged for not moving to upper NW and choosing a JKLM school. People have said extremely rude things to us about elitism, wasted money, whatever. So it cuts both ways.

I just try to keep the topic from veering to schools which is a very hot-button issue in DC.

[Anonymous]

Our public school sixth grader was at a birthday party with a girl who has been a close friend since they were in preschool together, who is now in private school. She came home from the party telling about how the kids sat around arguing about whose private school cost the most to attend per day. She now wants nothing to do with this girl. Even if you stay friends with the parent, you may find that your children grow apart.

[Anonymous]

12:38, apparently the key word of partying was not the focus. If 6th graders had the time to sit around to discuss adult issues of what it costs to attend a private school, then I can only imagine the atmosphere. What is expected at the 7th grade party for discussion will it be about death and taxes. Sheeeeeesh.

12:29, a hot-topic is what it is in every aspect. What I'd find funny is the body language, when you valiantly try to veer off the subject. The hand immediately goes to the chin to ponder your choice or the immediate reach out and touch to comfort you. Take notice the next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a lot like your friend: I have no intention of sending my kids to DCPS and will move before considering it. But I have close friends who love DCPS and who honestly believe that that's the best choice for their kids. I don't judge them for that. Their kids are not mine and may be able to thrive there; I don't think mine would. We can all share these views openly and agree that what fits one family might not fit another. I don't really see why that precludes friendship. We also have friends who choose different cars, different neighborhoods, religions, political views, etc. . . It makes life more interesting.

But deep down, don't you think it is a bad idea to send your kids to DCPS, and therefore you think your friends are making a bad choice? You say you have no intention of sending your kids there (future), which means they are still young and not school-age. How do you know already that they wouldn't thrive in a public school? You seem to have made up your mind and therefore hold per-conceived notions of schools without even checking them out. I can understand when parents determine that their school-age kids have personalities/learning styles that wouldn't work well with public school, but you clearly just don't like public school. If I knew that about you, I would assume you were judging me for my choice.

[Anonymous]

Respect for school decisions are a two way street! Your friend isn't being very nice. Next time she criticizes DCPS, I would nicely point out her faux pas. Discussing schools around here, like religion and politics, is best to be avoided or carefully worded.

[Anonymous]

I have several long term friends who have chosen the move-to-Virginia or private school route. We do not get into these kind of conversations and nobody is 'judging' anybody - at least that I know of! It sounds like your friend is very angst ridden about her own situation right now - so who made the better choice, the person who is confident in their decision or the person who complains all the time? Sometimes to be a friend you have to let people vent and try not to take it personally.
As somebody who went to both public and private urban schools, there are disadvantages to everything. Being coddled in a hot house is not always the best environment for a kid, they can come out rotten.