Reply to How to deal with friends who make different school choices?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have a friend like this. Our kids aren't even close to school age and she has already started saying things like "Well, if he doesn't go to such-and-such preschool, he'll NEVER get into Yale" and other things that I honestly thought people only said ironically.  It's not ironic for her. She really believes that she would be screwing up her kid's life if she doesn't send him to some elite preschool, if she doesn't put him in private school, if he doesn't take all the lessons in the world.  We were friends before we had kids, but we've always had really different lifestyles and made a lot of different choices. She didn't agree at all with my decision to have DD in a birth center, but she didn't say so until DD was almost 1, at which point she had just had a baby herself.

OP, the thing is, I know she judges the choices I'm making about my daughter's care and education. I know she is. But she doesn't say anything if she's asked and she certainly doesn't think less of me as a parent for those decisions. The one time she told me she didn't agree with something I did (the birth center thing), I could tell it was really hard for her to say so and she only said anything because it came up in the context of a whole other conversation. I do not hold her judgment against her, because she is my friend and I know she thinks I'm a good parent and a good person who makes the best decisions for my family. They're just not the same decisions she would make.

If this friend of yours is a close friend, you could try telling her that you feel hurt and criticized by her comments. Try to do it without being snippy or defensive. If she is a true friend, she will back off once she knows she's hurting your feelings. If not, well, honestly, you don't need friends like that anyway.[/quote]

You know, I think this person has really hit the nail on the head by providing her example of a good friend, as well as the other posters who point out that sometimes you make friends from circumstances and they can be good friends while circumstances are similar, but once circumstances change, it reveals the flaws in the friendship.  That is, it doesn't entirely sounds as if this friend is a tried and true, thick and thin, got your back no matter what friend.  That kind of friend last beyond circumstances.  THere's nothing wrong with circumstance friends, either.  My best friend is someone who lives halfway across the world.  We talk when we can, e-mail and Facebook.  But the other day I was shopping for a surprise small care package to send to the family and I realized something - i have no idea if the kids, same age as mine, are into Cars versus superheros.  Barbies or Disney Fairies.  Still watching Dora or given her up for a more big kid show.  We just aren't in each other's day to day lives, which makes me sad.  Meanwhile, I can tell you everything about my older child's best friend, who lives two houses away.  We hang out with the other parents frequently, in and out of houses.  I'd call us friends.  But not deep down, no matter what friends.

It does sound like your friend has a lot of angst and isn't settled.  Which can lead to all sorts of (often inadvertent) lashing out.  I think you can decide what ape of friend this is and how valuable the friendship is, and proceed accordingly.  Maybe you need to grin and bear her comments, understanding where she's coming from, until she gets things settled.  Or maybe you can call her on what she doesn't even realize she's doing.  I'd just think about what you want out of whatever thing you decide to do - what's your ultimate goal - before you proceed.  [/quote]

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