My daughter is the only white girl in her grade: ask me anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an African American parent, I find this post very troubling- the freak show aspect of it (come talk to me about what it is like to be surrounded by those black people) and the parents that are asking the most inane questions. This anonymous board just allows people to do things they would never do in real life.

+1. Yes, I agree. Am not black but the "freak show" aspect is troublesome. Starting from OP's post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do other kids pick on your DD because she is white?

Not as far as she's reported to me. She gets picked on sometimes, and we deal with that as it comes. She has never mentioned it being related to race.

I wouldn't deliberately place my child in a situation where she would be picked on (and then "deal with it" after the fact).

We clearly have different approaches with respect to a child's mental health and emotional development. I'm so, so, so sorry for your daughter.

My child has yet to be picked on significantly at school (where DC is an "only"). DC was however picked on and bullied relentlessly at summer camp this year for the first time. DC was in the majority there, and it had nothing to do with race.

If you think you can choose environments where your child will not be picked on, you're mistaken. It can be hard for kids to get picked on, and bullying should be dealt with immediately, but it happens and if it's not about race it'll be about something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do other kids pick on your DD because she is white?

Not as far as she's reported to me. She gets picked on sometimes, and we deal with that as it comes. She has never mentioned it being related to race.

I wouldn't deliberately place my child in a situation where she would be picked on (and then "deal with it" after the fact).

We clearly have different approaches with respect to a child's mental health and emotional development. I'm so, so, so sorry for your daughter.

Yeah what? I'm not op and went to a school in which I was definitely in the majority race. Got picked on plenty in ES and MS and *my parents knew about it*. Should they have pulled me out of school altogether? Maybe they could have homeschooled me...

[Anonymous]

I hope to be you in a few years OP. I'd love to send DD to our neighborhood ES which is (1) free and (2) two blocks away. I have somewhat different reasons than you- I suspect they ES experiences don't matter much in the long run so I'm not interested in spending the time/$/brainspace to find something "better". I just have to get my husband on board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do other kids pick on your DD because she is white?

Not as far as she's reported to me. She gets picked on sometimes, and we deal with that as it comes. She has never mentioned it being related to race.

I wouldn't deliberately place my child in a situation where she would be picked on (and then "deal with it" after the fact).

We clearly have different approaches with respect to a child's mental health and emotional development. I'm so, so, so sorry for your daughter.

My child has yet to be picked on significantly at school (where DC is an "only"). DC was however picked on and bullied relentlessly at summer camp this year for the first time. DC was in the majority there, and it had nothing to do with race.

If you think you can choose environments where your child will not be picked on, you're mistaken. It can be hard for kids to get picked on, and bullying should be dealt with immediately, but it happens and if it's not about race it'll be about something else.

no dog in this fight, but kids getting picked on happens at literally every school. while OP's kid may be more of a "target" because she's the "only" in one category (race), there's no guarantee that she wouldn't be picked on at an expensive private or majority white public for some dumb reason or other. Don't you remember being a kid? Kids are mean!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an African American parent, I find this post very troubling- the freak show aspect of it (come talk to me about what it is like to be surrounded by those black people) and the parents that are asking the most inane questions. This anonymous board just allows people to do things they would never do in real life.

+1. Yes, I agree. Am not black but the "freak show" aspect is troublesome. Starting from OP's post.

+2.

Can we please once and for all stop filtering everything along the lines of skin color?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not read through the entire thread so I am wondering whether OP lives in Takoma Park. I ask because it's known as being ultra-liberal hippie town and a sanctuary city at the same thing. Lots of Hispanics in the elementary schools there.

OP here. No. I live in DC. That's why I posted in the DC schools forum, not the MD schools forum. Takoma is nice, though I would not want to live there myself.

Why not?

OP here. I like living downtown. Nothing against Takoma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(1) How frankly do you discuss issues of race with your child? Have you openly talked about the fact that your kid is the only one in class with pink skin? (or whatever shade you consider to be "white") What does your child make of it?

(2) You say maybe it would be nice for the AA boys to see some one in the school who looks like them who is a teacher instead of a janitor. Well surely that would be nice for your kid too. Have you talked with your child about the fact that the teachers are mostly white, like your kid, but the vast majority of the students are not? What messages do you think your kid takes from that?

(3) When you socialize, at work or at home, does your child see you interacting with people of other races and does your kid do so? Or is this something your kid only does at school?

(4) Is your child friends with white neighborhood children who do not attend the neighborhood school? Have discussions of that--the fact that these other kids do not go to the school--come up?

(5) Do you feel your child would be comfortable talking with you if in fact there was exclusion or bullying due to race?

(6) Lets say you decide to remove your kid from this school at some point and go to another school for better academic rigor or some other reason, where your kid is suddenly not the only white kid. Will this be discussed? What possible lessons will your kid take from this?

I'm asking these questions with no agenda; I am genuinely just curious. I am not sending my kid to my neighborhood school but this has nothing to do with race and more to do with wanting a different educational philosophy and teaching style (the school we choose is still diverse and as a white kid my kid will be in the minority but less so than in the neighborhood school). We talk very frankly about race in my house as the kids notice it and are curious about all sorts of things.

I really appreciate the questions. I will do my best to answer them.

1) We discuss race pretty frankly with DD. I am actually not sure that she is aware that she's "the only white girl" in her class and am hesitant to ask her because I don't want to make it a thing if it's not already a thing. She is aware of racism, and as I mentioned early in this thread, she is aware that she looks different from some of her friends and has a different cultural heritage than others. She is aware of historical racism from things she's learned in school and things we've discussed at home (civil rights movement - schools like to focus on Ruby Bridges because I think they think Ruby Bridges is more relatable for kids than other civil rights figures). I don't really think there's much to be gained by pointing out the difference that she's not already thinking about. Maybe I am wrong.

2) We haven't talked about the racial makeup of the staff. I try to bring things up with her in context, and there has not been a context for this. Maybe I am wrong there as well.

3 & 4) We have multi-racial friends - our friend group is actually a lot more diverse than her school. I admit that the biggest percentage of my socializing with people of color happens at work, and she does not see that because I don't/can't take her to work with me. But yes, we socialize with a racially and ethnically diverse group of people outside her school friend group. She's got friends who go to charter schools, but all her friends who are in DCPS go to their IB school. We haven't discussed the racial makeup of their schools. The kids who live(d) in our school boundary who don't go to the school have largely moved to other parts of the city/other states. So she knows that they moved and go to a different school now. To the best of my knowledge, those school decisions weren't motivated by racial factors, so that is not something we discuss in that context.

5) She has been comfortable talking to me about instances when she's had a problem with another kid and has been candid about why she believes that the problem exists. She has also mentioned feeling left out in PK4 because she didn't speak Spanish like her friends. At that time, we talked about how her friends speak Spanish at home, how everyone in her school takes Spanish, and how this is an opportunity for her to learn to speak Spanish with her friends. I also pointed out that having friends who are native speakers is very helpful if she is struggling with learning in Spanish, and how she can also help with English words for kids who speak little English.

6) I would discuss the racial differences between her old school and her new school with her if it were contextually appropriate or if she asked. I don't know that I would point it out otherwise.

Overall, my way of handling this has been not to put too fine a point on the racial differences and address them as they come up, if they come up, in contextually relevant ways. Kids are going to have differences, and I don't want her to attribute differences to race alone, mostly because I highly doubt that that will be the only (or even the main) explanation. She is 6 years old, and her experience right now has not been affected by this issue, which is why I started this thread: I see new parents being very concerned about this, and for us, it just has not been the tricky situation that many new parents seem to assume it will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do other kids pick on your DD because she is white?

Not as far as she's reported to me. She gets picked on sometimes, and we deal with that as it comes. She has never mentioned it being related to race.

I wouldn't deliberately place my child in a situation where she would be picked on (and then "deal with it" after the fact).

We clearly have different approaches with respect to a child's mental health and emotional development. I'm so, so, so sorry for your daughter.

OP here. Do you truly believe that you can insulate your children from any kind of social conflict? Social conflict between kids happens in pretty much every social context I can imagine. Are you suggesting that when my daughter had conflict with a kid in her class, I should immediately have pulled her from the class, to prevent it happening again? That's ridiculous. You talk to the teacher and (if necessary) the administration. You work together to come up with a plan to minimize contact. You comfort your kid when they're upset and give them tools to handle conflict in the future.

How old are your kids? How do you handle conflict between them and other kids? How do you handle your children feeling discomfort of any kind? What about when your kid doesn't want to eat what's for dinner or doesn't want to take a nap or doesn't want to clean up a mess?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an African American parent, I find this post very troubling- the freak show aspect of it (come talk to me about what it is like to be surrounded by those black people) and the parents that are asking the most inane questions. This anonymous board just allows people to do things they would never do in real life.

+1. Yes, I agree. Am not black but the "freak show" aspect is troublesome. Starting from OP's post.

OP here. I apologize for the "freak show" aspect. That is truly not my intention.

I started this post in deliberate response to some things that come up consistently when talking about DCPS - namely, that white parents are apprehensive about sending their white children to neighborhood schools with few white children. From what I have observed, few of the people posting with concern have direct experience with that situation, and most of the people I know who are actually in the situation (not just me but several friends around the city) have not experienced the difficulties that the apprehensive white parents are concerned about.

I do not like to minimize anyone's concerns generally, because I think that we all worry about things that other people think are ridiculous, but I do think that it's helpful to address this head on. I have co-hosted dozens of open houses at our school, and I can't tell you how many white parents have tried to figure out a way to ask "Will my white child have social difficulties in this school because he's white" without actually saying that. Is it troublesome that so many people are worried about this? Yes, absolutely. It's not great culturally that our city is as segregated as it is, but there is also no easy and obvious solution to that problem. If I see an opportunity for integration - social, educational, whatever - I'm going to talk about it frankly.

That's what the point of this was. Not to brag about how awesome I am or be all Barbie Savior about it, but to allow those parents who ARE worried about it to ask things directly that they won't ask out loud in person. Maybe it changes their mind, maybe not. Either way, it's out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, thanks for posting this!
My son is also a rising 1st grader in a school that is 70% Latino, 70% farms. The school also has about 25% proficiency in both English and math.
It's interesting that a lot of friends have been giving me grief for my decision to send him there. I don't know why they take it so close to heart.

So far the only problem was arranging playdates- my kid didn't become close friends with anyone who seems easy to arrange a Playdate with, except for one kid. Latinos at our school don't seem to be up for play dates that much and tend to stick together.

What worries me is the level of academic instruction. However, my child was not top of the class in K. He got to attend summer school with an enrichment component just by the virtue of attending a title 1 school, and that gave him a boost, plus we try to discuss what they learn and I try to casually supplement.
I have compared what he knows to what his friends from higher ranked schools know, and so far he is not behind, rather, it is the opposite.
The only thing that bothers me is that if we need to change schools it will be harder on my kid once he is past 2-3 grade.
I don't know what to ask you I was just happy to read a post from someone in similar shoes.

I'm not your friend, and I completely understand why your real friends are checking you. You're deliberately sending your child to a sh*tty school! Why did you have him if you weren't going to do right by him? You suck as a parent.

OP here. PP, mind your own business. Where the other PP chooses to send her kid to school has zero bearing on your life.

As to the other PP, vis a vis play dates, I would say that you should reach out to your child's teacher and see what he or she thinks is the best way to approach the situation. Another thing I've noticed, honestly, is that DD gets a ton of social interaction during the school day and in aftercare. Evenings and weekends are family time for us, and I know that a lot of families feel the same. For example, DD's best friend's family basically reserves Sunday as church and grandma day, and on Saturdays, they have extracurricular activities that make scheduling playdates difficult. This may be what is going on in your son's situation, but I think it also helps to make these things accessible to everyone. We do park playdates, and have done all summer. Sometimes we go closer to where they live (they are OOB) and sometimes they come down closer to us.

I have also noticed that the enrichment is helpful. Academically, my concern is more for next year and the year after than this year. Kindergarten was for socialization, and first grade seems to be when things shift from "fun" to "school." I hope your son's trajectory maintains and that you are able to negotiate these things with grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think that it is awesome that you are so invested in your child's school experience. The reason that I think this is that I was a white student in a majority African American school when I was younger and my parents were nowhere near as interested in my school experience than you are. While the experience was very eye opening and has helped me become who I am today, it would have been easier if my parents understood that there are struggles when one is a minority anywhere, especially when you are one of few white kids in your class.

Being a minority in a high ses white school is much different. Those children are taught to be inclusive and cordial to all regardless of color. When you are the minority in a lower ses minority majority those kids tend to exclude others and are not behaved. Furthermore society especially their society promotes the idea that reverse racism doesn't exist and is acceptable[b]

You are ignorant and arrogant. The worst combination on the planet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope to be you in a few years OP. I'd love to send DD to our neighborhood ES which is (1) free and (2) two blocks away. I have somewhat different reasons than you- I suspect they ES experiences don't matter much in the long run so I'm not interested in spending the time/$/brainspace to find something "better". I just have to get my husband on board.

I feel you. My advice: play the lottery and rank your schools in your true order of preference, with the caveat that there are some schools where it truly doesn't matter how much you love them, you won't get in even if you have the best lottery number there is, unless you're IB. You will likely get into your IB school, and at that point, my argument would be, let's see what happens this year, and if it's not to our liking, we can continue to try the lottery until we find something that works. That was my attitude, and mid-way through the year when it was time to start thinking about the lottery again, I decided based on my previous research that we were unlikely to find a school that worked better for us than the one we were already at unless we moved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an African American parent, I find this post very troubling- the freak show aspect of it (come talk to me about what it is like to be surrounded by those black people) and the parents that are asking the most inane questions. This anonymous board just allows people to do things they would never do in real life.

+1. Yes, I agree. Am not black but the "freak show" aspect is troublesome. Starting from OP's post.

Well, what else was OP supposed to do to advance the conversation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an African American parent, I find this post very troubling- the freak show aspect of it (come talk to me about what it is like to be surrounded by those black people) and the parents that are asking the most inane questions. This anonymous board just allows people to do things they would never do in real life.

+1. Yes, I agree. Am not black but the "freak show" aspect is troublesome. Starting from OP's post.

+2.

Can we please once and for all stop filtering everything along the lines of skin color?

Well that's kind of hypocritical since OP is one of the rare parents actually willing to buck the trend on the lines of skin color, yet now she somehow gets called out for it?