When can you call yourself a single mother?

[Anonymous]

I had a coworker who had a long term live in boyfriend and an ex husband who had 50-50 custody and she always talked about how hard it was to be a single mom.

She was not married but she wasn’t single. Although the boyfriend was not the father of her children, he lived with them for 5+ years and was definitely in the kids’ lives and split household costs. Then there was the biological dad. These kids essentially had 1 mom and 2 dads. I once seemed surprised that there were 2 men and the woman was very clearly annoyed at my surprise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a single mom - raised three kids on my own after I divorced my abusive, alcoholic husband who then went no-contact with the kids. It was not easy. There was very little help and any help often came with strings. But if someone who is actually single wants to cell themselves a single mom, I don’t police it. I don’t know the workings of their relationship and just accept it for face value. I do get annoyed when married women claim they are single moms when their husbands are working or deployed. They have two paychecks, job benefits, moral support and aren’t looked down upon. They’re not single moms. The rest of us who are single, single by choice, divorced, widowed, etc? Yeah, some have it better, some have it worse, but I’m okay with calling us single parents.

So you do police it. If a woman can pretend she’s a single mother just because she’s divorced (even though she splits custody with her ex), then a military wife whose spouse is deployed certainly can. She is actually taking on *more* of a single parent role than the woman who has to make nice with Daddy at the soccer field.

Nah - my ex was military. It is not being a single mom. When I was a military wife, I had his entire check, supplemented for having kids and being deployed, a community that looked out for me, respect of neighbors and he was eventually coming home. I was married; he just was physically at work for awhile. A divorced woman is not married, does not have his entire check, does not have the support or respect of a married person.

You don’t need his entire check because he is not living with (hence your expenses are lower). Your kids have both parents and both your checks.

You’re not a single mom. Stop lying.

Huh? Once I divorced, I didn’t get any of his check and my kids didn’t see their dad. But you have real issues going around policing other people’s lives.

[Anonymous]

So all the men with kids who aren’t married are single dads regardless of how often they see their kids?

I think using marital status (single) and procreation (have a child) to equal being a single mother or single father misses the spirit of the word.

[Anonymous]

I am a single mom, because I am single and the only parent in my household. My ex-dh is single too so he's a single dad.

I'm not actually interested in permission from the OP or whomever in this thread, as to whether I can say 'single mom'. I say it! OP/whomever gets to not like it, I guess. Too bad. I'm not here to soothe their feels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, but do it seek to control how others define themselves.

I have never been married and adopted a child. I was therefore our sole financial support and did every job that comes with raising a child and running a household.

I noticed that SAHMs often discount the financial support and running household support that a spouse provides (e.g., servicing the car, emptying the trash, managing repairs).

Everyone is very aware of their own contributions and tribulations. It is not a competition. Just support the people in this world that you care about.

If you, a true single mom, was offended if I said I was solo parenting while my husband was deployed, I would absolutely apologize and not use that term again.

OP doesn't get a vote, as a married mom. She just has a crappy husband or bad life set up or both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not a single parent if there is another parent actively involved in raising the kids at the same time as you. Regardless of your romantic status.

Fixed it for you.

Why do you insist on begrudging a divorced mom the hardship of being the solo parent every time they have their kids?

Because she’s a liar. She isn’t a single mom, she’s a divorced mother co-parenting with her ex and trying to pretend he’s not parenting their children as well, presumably for sympathy.

Military spouses aren’t single parents every time their spouses deploy, even though they may be “solo parenting” for awhile and it’s really difficult.

You need to effing relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[google]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not a single parent if there is another parent actively involved in raising the kids at the same time as you. Regardless of your romantic status.

Fixed it for you.

Why do you insist on begrudging a divorced mom the hardship of being the solo parent every time they have their kids?

Because she’s a liar. She isn’t a single mom, she’s a divorced mother co-parenting with her ex and trying to pretend he’s not parenting their children as well, presumably for sympathy.

Military spouses aren’t single parents every time their spouses deploy, even though they may be “solo parenting” for awhile and it’s really difficult.

You have a crazy chip on your shoulder about your spouse being a bad co-parent.

I can’t even follow this logic. I’m not the one pretending my child’s other parent doesn’t exist.

Assuming the PP was the OP. The OP purely is angry about her friend, but is angry that she doesn't have time off because her spouse sucks. So she's here calling her friend a 'liar' and other names because she can't look at her own issues.

Why would you assume that in a 10+ page thread?

Because PP seems as nasty as the OP.

I’m sorry that reality upsets you.

DP. I'm sorry your life upsets you so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there a need to claim who has it worst? This is as pointless of a debate as the SAHM / WOHM

I don’t know why anyone brought up who has it better or worse. Some of us are just stating the FACT that if you are co-parenting with your child’s other parent, you are NOT a single mother.

You are still a single parent if you are coparenting. There are huge variations of this. Technically it is 50/50 but the reality is I do 85% and there is no financial help and I manage my own household. Also, there are coparents who don’t even speak to each other. If you file single on a tax return and have a child, you are a single parent.

You doofuses should try to look at it from your child’s perspective. Would he say he has one parent or two?

One at a time.

You're delusional if you think having one parent one week and one parent the other week is the same thing as always having two parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not a single parent if there is another parent actively involved in raising the kids at the same time as you. Regardless of your romantic status.

Fixed it for you.

Why do you insist on begrudging a divorced mom the hardship of being the solo parent every time they have their kids?

Because she’s a liar. She isn’t a single mom, she’s a divorced mother co-parenting with her ex and trying to pretend he’s not parenting their children as well, presumably for sympathy.

Military spouses aren’t single parents every time their spouses deploy, even though they may be “solo parenting” for awhile and it’s really difficult.

Np, I agree with this. If I got a divorce and split custody/financial support with DH it would feel pretty slimy to go on sm media complaining that I’m a single mom when dad is right there taking on half the parenting responsibility.

But I do also get that some people want a lot of attention on sm and it sounds like this lady has found a way to get the attention she craves. Thoughts and prayers.

You think most women get divorced from men who then do their fair share? Like when they were married the women did 93% but once they're divorced all of a sudden the men step it up? I mean, sure, that might happen, but since you have no idea what is going on in someone else's house, maybe you should just be less judgmental and more thankful that you're not in their position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a single mom - raised three kids on my own after I divorced my abusive, alcoholic husband who then went no-contact with the kids. It was not easy. There was very little help and any help often came with strings. But if someone who is actually single wants to cell themselves a single mom, I don’t police it. I don’t know the workings of their relationship and just accept it for face value. I do get annoyed when married women claim they are single moms when their husbands are working or deployed. They have two paychecks, job benefits, moral support and aren’t looked down upon. They’re not single moms. The rest of us who are single, single by choice, divorced, widowed, etc? Yeah, some have it better, some have it worse, but I’m okay with calling us single parents.

So you do police it. If a woman can pretend she’s a single mother just because she’s divorced (even though she splits custody with her ex), then a military wife whose spouse is deployed certainly can. She is actually taking on *more* of a single parent role than the woman who has to make nice with Daddy at the soccer field.

You're delusional.

If you're married, you're not single. End of conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I am a single mom, because I am single and the only parent in my household. My ex-dh is single too so he's a single dad.

I'm not actually interested in permission from the OP or whomever in this thread, as to whether I can say 'single mom'. I say it! OP/whomever gets to not like it, I guess. Too bad. I'm not here to soothe their feels.

Do you say the earth is flat, too?

Listen, say whatever you want. But you’re lying, and other people will absolutely judge you when they realize that you have deliberately misrepresented your life situation to everyone for sympathy.

It’s fine, there are lots of liars in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a single mom - raised three kids on my own after I divorced my abusive, alcoholic husband who then went no-contact with the kids. It was not easy. There was very little help and any help often came with strings. But if someone who is actually single wants to cell themselves a single mom, I don’t police it. I don’t know the workings of their relationship and just accept it for face value. I do get annoyed when married women claim they are single moms when their husbands are working or deployed. They have two paychecks, job benefits, moral support and aren’t looked down upon. They’re not single moms. The rest of us who are single, single by choice, divorced, widowed, etc? Yeah, some have it better, some have it worse, but I’m okay with calling us single parents.

So you do police it. If a woman can pretend she’s a single mother just because she’s divorced (even though she splits custody with her ex), then a military wife whose spouse is deployed certainly can. She is actually taking on *more* of a single parent role than the woman who has to make nice with Daddy at the soccer field.

You're delusional.

If you're married, you're not single. End of conversation.

And if you share custody of your kids with their other parent, you’re not a *single parent*.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is there a need to claim who has it worst? This is as pointless of a debate as the SAHM / WOHM

I don’t know why anyone brought up who has it better or worse. Some of us are just stating the FACT that if you are co-parenting with your child’s other parent, you are NOT a single mother.

You are still a single parent if you are coparenting. There are huge variations of this. Technically it is 50/50 but the reality is I do 85% and there is no financial help and I manage my own household. Also, there are coparents who don’t even speak to each other. If you file single on a tax return and have a child, you are a single parent.

You doofuses should try to look at it from your child’s perspective. Would he say he has one parent or two?

One at a time.

You're delusional if you think having one parent one week and one parent the other week is the same thing as always having two parents.

It is the same as always having two parents. Unless one parent is dead or completely off the map out of the picture, the kid has two parents.

Otherwise you’d agree that the spouse who is left behind on deployments is a single parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So all the men with kids who aren’t married are single dads regardless of how often they see their kids?

I think using marital status (single) and procreation (have a child) to equal being a single mother or single father misses the spirit of the word.

What is the “spirit of the word”, oh great arbiter of language?

From the OP it sounds like “single mom” can only be used by those with 1) significant financial hardship and 2) no nights off. By that rendering only poor unmarried mothers with no Nannie’s, relatives, or friends can be single moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a single mom - raised three kids on my own after I divorced my abusive, alcoholic husband who then went no-contact with the kids. It was not easy. There was very little help and any help often came with strings. But if someone who is actually single wants to cell themselves a single mom, I don’t police it. I don’t know the workings of their relationship and just accept it for face value. I do get annoyed when married women claim they are single moms when their husbands are working or deployed. They have two paychecks, job benefits, moral support and aren’t looked down upon. They’re not single moms. The rest of us who are single, single by choice, divorced, widowed, etc? Yeah, some have it better, some have it worse, but I’m okay with calling us single parents.

So you do police it. If a woman can pretend she’s a single mother just because she’s divorced (even though she splits custody with her ex), then a military wife whose spouse is deployed certainly can. She is actually taking on *more* of a single parent role than the woman who has to make nice with Daddy at the soccer field.

You're delusional.

If you're married, you're not single. End of conversation.

And if you share custody of your kids with their other parent, you’re not a *single parent*.

You are if you don't live with that other parent.

All of you miserable married women really need to let this go. Focus on your own lives.