help me stop being a bad friend

[Anonymous]

Hello all. So let me give you a bit of a back story. About 2 years ago, I was drugged,raped and beaten by an acquaintance . Through therapy and my own will, I have been able to overcome the trauma. I lead a normal life and have a healthy sexual relationship with dh and other than some anxiety if I'm somewhere alone, I really have no lasting issues. About 9 months ago my friend was assaulted while opening her door. A man grabbed her and tore off her jacket and pinned her in the doorway trying to force his way in. Thankfully, a neighbor heard her screams and the guy ran off.. now,here is where I'm a terrible friend. She cannot move past what happened. She makes her dh sleep in another room because she is both mad at him for being away on business when it happened and because she has panic attacks if anyone gets too close. She took a leave from her job because she couldn't stand to be on a crowded t (our subway) and she does not drive. She refuses to see a therapist and instead uses meas one. Here is where I'm an awful friend. 1 (and I am working on this with my therapist) is that deep down, I am resentful that she was assaulted in her doorway but constantly comments to me that our situations are similar. 2. I'm getting mad and frustrated that she refuses to get on with her life. She always asks what I did,and when I explain that I made a choice not to let it ruin my life she yells at me. I'm at my whit's end and have mow started to dread her texts and phone calls. I feel awful that I don't want to be there for her anymore,but her depression and refusal to move on forces me to relive again and again something ive tried very hard to move past. This is mostly a vent because I'm so ashamed of some of these feelings, I wouldn't even tell my therapist. Is there anyway to kindly tell her shes ruining her life because she refuses to move on

[Anonymous]

You are not a bad friend. She is. You cannot be her therapist, and she should not keep trying to drag you into your traumatic situation. Gently let her know that while you want to support her emotionally and be there for her, her approach to what happened is causing you pain and making you relive what you have worked hard to leave behind you. Let her know that therapy was a huge part of your healing, and tell her that she really needs to see a therapist and work things out. Then steel yourself to minimize contact with her until she takes some healthy steps towards dealing with the situation, rather than just making it your problem. If it comes down to a choice between her well-being and yours, you owe it to yourself (and your husband) to choose your own well-being. Be kind but be absolutely firm.

[Anonymous]

i think what you are feeling is totally normal-- and I don't think you have any reason for feeling ashamed of your feelings. You are not an awful friend at all. I think you can suggest to her that she really needs therapy to move on. you can even "blame" your therapist and say that she has told you that reliving the event through your friend is not healthy for you and that you need to stop discussing it with her etc. Good luck, and please don't beat yourself up, my goodness you have been through a lot, and i think you are incredibly strong to even be able to talk toher about it all.

[Anonymous]

I'm a rape victim myself (by a stranger, held at knifepoint - 28 yrs. ago), and I have no advice. I feel for you and I feel for her. It's so fresh for her, you know? Can you talk to her, openly, and be very frank? Be kind, but tell her your thoughts, but don't tell her that you can't be there for her, you might send her off the edge. Being raped, or almost being raped, is just so fucking traumatizing - I still, to this day, can't believe it actually happened to me. I never tell anyone either, because of the stupid responses, or weird looks, it's as if I'm some leper.

Help her find someone to talk to. I understand her pain and your pain - it's something that should never never happen to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a rape victim myself (by a stranger, held at knifepoint - 28 yrs. ago), and I have no advice. I feel for you and I feel for her. It's so fresh for her, you know? Can you talk to her, openly, and be very frank? Be kind, but tell her your thoughts, but don't tell her that you can't be there for her, you might send her off the edge. Being raped, or almost being raped, is just so fucking traumatizing - I still, to this day, can't believe it actually happened to me. I never tell anyone either, because of the stupid responses, or weird looks, it's as if I'm some leper.

Help her find someone to talk to. I understand her pain and your pain - it's something that should never never happen to anyone.

It sounds like she has PTSD. Can you look for resources in her area? Maybe the DC Rape Crisis Center or your therapist could heol identify some names and numbers. I'd actually talk to her DH and have him make the calls. Real help needs to come from him for a number of reasons and he is probably traumatized as well. Maybe Google crime vicitms and her town, there might be resources thorugh the justice system as well. Hope the guy was caught and prosecuted. I'd think of yourself as the temporary help, if she feels so frantic I'd not cut her off, but work to get real help. We all have different degrees of resillience.

[Anonymous]

BUILD A WALL AND STAND BEHIND IT.

Don't you dare jeopardize your own hard-won well-being for anyone who has so thoroughly demonstrated her unwillingness to access the considerable resources available to her.

I don't care if this isn't a popular position. I think there are limits, lady. You've gone as far as you could ever be expected to go with this. She yells at you?

Be compassionate while keeping yourself safe.

Secondary trauma is real. Don't put yourself at risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
BUILD A WALL AND STAND BEHIND IT.

Don't you dare jeopardize your own hard-won well-being for anyone who has so thoroughly demonstrated her unwillingness to access the considerable resources available to her.

I don't care if this isn't a popular position. I think there are limits, lady. You've gone as far as you could ever be expected to go with this. She yells at you?

Be compassionate while keeping yourself safe.

Secondary trauma is real. Don't put yourself at risk.

This.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you can help her by talking to her, then do it. If not, it's not only OK but necessary to build and maintain proper boundaries. She needs help dealing with this, but not necessarily from you. A friend cannot always be all things to all people. You need to maintain your healthy way of life.

And please don't be ashamed to tell your therapist these feelings. S/he is paid to help you through them in a healthy way.

[Anonymous]

I think there are two parts here. you need to stop comparing her trauma and her healing (or lack thereof) to you. You can't say mine was worse than yours - even if the crime itself was more horrific, the experience of traumatic stress is similar regardless of the event that caused it. She may have PTSD, and maybe you avoided that through your proactive approach to dealing with your trauma. So that part i think you need to let go of - let her experience be her experience and accept that it was very traumatic for her, maybe just as traumatizing or even more traumatizing then what you experienced (as trauma is subjective).

On the second part I agree with the other posters. You are not responsible for her healing and you need to have healthy boundaries that ensure she isn't bringing you down. You can remain a good friend but not be involved in the trauma aspect.

[Anonymous]

Op here...thanks to everyone who posted. Just want to clarify one thing that I'm not sure if the pp misunderstood me or I her. She does the comparing with what we've both been through. And I get mad (of course in my own head not out loud) because while I know what she went through was traumatizing, I would gladly have her experience over mine. Alas, this has been a new development in what she says so I'm just beginning to deal with it with my therapist. She refuses to go to any therapist, rape crisis vented...anything. her dh has tried, but unfortunately she barely acknowledges he exists right now. But thank you all so much for assuring me I shouldn't be ashamed by how I feel. Sigh..part of me hopes some day she'll say something like "I'd rather be dead" just so I call 911 and have her be observed for a couple of days.

[Anonymous]

You need to let her know that while you want to be supportive and help her, that you two are individuals and that what worked for you doesn't seem to help her with her own recovery. Let her know that she needs to see a professional who will be better equipped and trained to help her find her own path to healing. Tell her that if it will help, that you'll help her find a professional and even go with her to the first appointment and if it doesn't work out will help her find another professional to help her. But, don't sacrifice your hard-won stability for her. You've tried to help and it isn't working for her. At this point, don't be dragged into the downwardly spiraling turmoil of her life. Offer her a lifeline out, but don't get dragged down.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
BUILD A WALL AND STAND BEHIND IT.

Don't you dare jeopardize your own hard-won well-being for anyone who has so thoroughly demonstrated her unwillingness to access the considerable resources available to her.I don't care if this isn't a popular position. I think there are limits, lady. You've gone as far as you could ever be expected to go with this. She yells at you?

Be compassionate while keeping yourself safe.

Secondary trauma is real. Don't put yourself at risk.

bravo to this!

[Anonymous]

I'm not gonna lie, your trama is worse than hers. Judging by her reaction to the attempted rape, she would have shriveled up and died is she experienced what you went through. I think you have every right to be resentful of her situation; however you should be so damn proud of yourself. You are amazing and PLEASE stop beating yourself up over this. It is your "friend" who is being the bad friend. You have been her doormat/punching bag long enough. Time for you to move on and tell her to take it up with the pros. No shame in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
BUILD A WALL AND STAND BEHIND IT.

Don't you dare jeopardize your own hard-won well-being for anyone who has so thoroughly demonstrated her unwillingness to access the considerable resources available to her.

I don't care if this isn't a popular position. I think there are limits, lady. You've gone as far as you could ever be expected to go with this. She yells at you?

Be compassionate while keeping yourself safe.

Secondary trauma is real. Don't put yourself at risk.

Agree 100%. And I also have to say, do not be ashamed of any of your feelings because they're normal. You have to put yourself first. Regardless of how hard you might try, how much you might sacrifice, you cannot heal her or carry her burden. It just doesn't work like that.

[Anonymous]

I think you should try setting some boundaries in a kind but clear and firm way. If this is hard to do face to face, consider an email. You could tell her for instance that you are very uncomfortable with the comparisons between her and you. (You don't have to get into why you're uncomfortable unless you want to.) You could say "I want you to feel like you can talk about YOUR feelings, but I feel like comparing us and bringing my past into the picture isn't comfortable for me." Another boundary to consider is limiting the amount of time on these conversations. You don't have to tell her this, as much as just create that boundary for yourself that before you call her back you have a specific exit plan. You start the call by saying to her "I wanted to reach out, but I want to be fair about the fact that I've got to leave the house in 20 minutes to get back to work." When you have 5 minutes left in the call, gently remind her "this stuff is so hard, and I just need to remind you that I will have to go in 5 minutes. Is there anything else you want to talk about in the last few minutes?"

You're allowed to have boundaries. Long term friendships thrive on clear boundaries between people, boundaries that are renegotiated, but respected by both and followed by apologies if one oversteps... If you want to stay friends, I'd try this. If it is doesn't work, you might have to let go of her as a friend, without being ashamed, but just realizing she and you aren't a good fit.

One final thing: it is very hard to go through what she is going through, but you are not responsible for her just because you had pain in your past too. You can't feel guilty if this doesn't work out. She's like a drowning person, who might drown her "rescuer" in her pain and unhappiness. Because I think having successful friendships is about drawing boundaries, I'd try this first, but that's just me. I know for many it's easier to walk on, than to try to define a space that's still comfortable.

GL