Reply to help me stop being a bad friend

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[quote=Anonymous]I think you should try setting some boundaries in a kind but clear and firm way. If this is hard to do face to face, consider an email. You could tell her for instance that you are very uncomfortable with the comparisons between her and you. (You don't have to get into why you're uncomfortable unless you want to.) You could say "I want you to feel like you can talk about YOUR feelings, but I feel like comparing us and bringing my past into the picture isn't comfortable for me." Another boundary to consider is limiting the amount of time on these conversations. You don't have to tell her this, as much as just create that boundary for yourself that before you call her back you have a specific exit plan. You start the call by saying to her "I wanted to reach out, but I want to be fair about the fact that I've got to leave the house in 20 minutes to get back to work." When you have 5 minutes left in the call, gently remind her "this stuff is so hard, and I just need to remind you that I will have to go in 5 minutes. Is there anything else you want to talk about in the last few minutes?"

You're allowed to have boundaries. Long term friendships thrive on clear boundaries between people, boundaries that are renegotiated, but respected by both and followed by apologies if one oversteps... If you want to stay friends, I'd try this. If it is doesn't work, you might have to let go of her as a friend, without being ashamed, but just realizing she and you aren't a good fit.

One final thing: it is very hard to go through what she is going through, but you are not responsible for her just because you had pain in your past too. You can't feel guilty if this doesn't work out. She's like a drowning person, who might drown her "rescuer" in her pain and unhappiness. Because I think having successful friendships is about drawing boundaries, I'd try this first, but that's just me. I know for many it's easier to walk on, than to try to define a space that's still comfortable.

GL[/quote]

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