Can't connect with SIL

[Anonymous]

There are so many things about my new SIL I just don't understand and I am afraid that my dream of being friends with her is never going to happen. At this point I am done. I have made several attempts to reach out and she either says yes and then cancels at the last minute or makes some pathetic excuse not to make the effort. Family and the relationship with her children are very important to my DH and me. She is making it so difficult! She is a very indulgent mother and she buys her children all kinds of stuff right before Christmas! I asked her what they would like from us and she said that they are registered on Toys R Us...I was shocked when I saw the list-it was endless. I think you can gather from my tone that I think the registry thing is ridiculous! We asked her what she would like and she replied. I tried to find exactly what she wanted and was so happy when I was successful. Brought it home and DH said thanks for going to all of the trouble but she will return it anyway. Apparently she always does this. I know that I am trying to hard and I have to let it go. I love my DH with all of my heart and I want to have his family in my life. Ugh, the more I write the more frustrated I get. Any helpful hints?

[Anonymous]

I think the first step would be to try and accept who she is and the type of person she is. From your post, it sounds like you are really conflicted. On the one hand you say you've made many attempts and you had dreams of becoming her friend. On the other, you start listing a bunch of her characteristics about her that you don't like (indulgent mother, gift registry, buying her kids xmas gifts right before xmas, and changing plans with you for lame reasons). You're even already mad at something she hasn't even done yet, but you expect her to do (return your gift). I'm not saying all this to flame you, just as an obviously unbiased reader. If you really truly want to be her friend, you need to accept her flaws and give her the benefit of doubt. Otherwise, you'll always be pointing out all her negatives and never seeing the positives she has to offer. You can't change who she is, but you can change the way you view her.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying so hard. How long have you been married? Is SIL local or long-distance?

The hard thing about in-laws is that you are bridging the family/acquaintance line. You really don't have much in common except your DH, and you won't be BFFs if your personalities just don't click. I always thought my SIL didn't like me (nothing outright, just got a 'feeling') and now that I'm 7 years into my marriage and have lived with DH's parents, I understand who she is a lot better. She is just the type of person who takes longer to open up to people even though she is outwardly very outgoing. I don't think it helps that at the same time you are learning how to get along with your SIL, YOUR friends are branching/moving/changing and you don't necessarily have the strong bonds that you used to have with your friends. You can't get that out of SIL, however, if you both don't click on a personality level. You should just aim to be nice and civil and don't expect much more.

And, like your SIL, their whole family is far more materialistic. I wouldn't focus on the gift so much as make an effort to get your kids together for the holidays, for example plan a cookie-decorating party on Xmas while you're all together or plan on taking the kids to the movies Xmas evening (not sure how old they all are...). You focus on planning a fun activity while you're together; DH can shop for SIL's kids' gifts.

[Anonymous]

First you have to give up the "dream" of what you wish your relationship with her might become. She is who she is. You are not going to change her. For everyones sake a cordial relationship is best, but you can't make her want to be your buddy nor can you make her into the kind of parent you want her to be. Being a family doesn't mean we are going to be best buddies with everyone or agree on everything. Just be polite and focus your energy on something you can control

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the first step would be to try and accept who she is and the type of person she is. From your post, it sounds like you are really conflicted. On the one hand you say you've made many attempts and you had dreams of becoming her friend. On the other, you start listing a bunch of her characteristics about her that you don't like (indulgent mother, gift registry, buying her kids xmas gifts right before xmas, and changing plans with you for lame reasons). You're even already mad at something she hasn't even done yet, but you expect her to do (return your gift). I'm not saying all this to flame you, just as an obviously unbiased reader. If you really truly want to be her friend, you need to accept her flaws and give her the benefit of doubt. Otherwise, you'll always be pointing out all her negatives and never seeing the positives she has to offer. You can't change who she is, but you can change the way you view her.

This is OP. Thank you. I needed your post. I think I like the dream of having a SIL and this is just not what I expected. I will try to change the way I view her and stop trying to make her into something she isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I asked her what they would like from us and she said that they are registered on Toys R Us...I was shocked when I saw the list-it was endless.

Just curious about your own family situation. Do you have a sister you wish she were more like? Or were you seeing this as your chance to have a sister? I agree that you have to let go your expectations about the relationship. Focus on being a kind and loving aunt to the kids, and being friendly to SIL.

Have to say that the quote above seemed like a needless complaint. You asked for ideas, she gave you a bunch of ideas to pick from. She wasn't insisting that you buy the whole list.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you always wanted a sister and was hoping you would get one through marriage. That's not fair to SIL. She may have all the friends she needs and have a busy life with her children. She may also be a little creeped out by your assumption that you two would naturally be close. You need to back off and give it time.

As for her registry? What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? It doesn't affect whether you can be close to her children. She doesn't have to be the person you wanted her to be.

[Anonymous]

Time. Give it time.

My brother dated my now-SIL for 6 years before they got married and our relationship was verging on openly hostile through most of that. After they got married, we were cordial and polite. They have now been married for 8 years and our relationship is really good and I can honestly call her a friend, not the closest of friends, but a true friend.

You just can't force it. It will either happen or it won't. And forcing it will make it less likely to happen.

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband only has one much older brother, and his wife truly could not be more different from me. If we were not related by marriage, we would not even be friendly passers-by. I have always reached out to her, to no avail and great frustration.

My turning point was when I accepted that I can be myself towards her, and be true to myself, and let go of everything else. So I don't hide from our differences, but I focus on being kind, warm, loving, generous, and open, because I can't go wrong doing the right thing.

Just let go. Don't put in effort that goes nowhere, and then resent her for efforts she had no awareness of. Just be yourself, and be kind.

[Anonymous]

OP, my SILs and their families and I are night and day. MIL makes it worse by her blatant favoritism. We have bent over backward, now we are done. We have our own family to worry about, and frankly no one is worrying about us. We have only ourselves to rely on. After all we have done for them, the ILs have made it abundantly clear that they are not interested in showing any form of thanks. So we are moving onward. The children are becoming old enough to form their own opinions without any input (either way) from us, which is fine. They made their choice, now they will have to live with it, it is out of our hands. You need to decide what is best for you. They are who they are. Unfortunately, this might include selfish and self absorbed. So be it. It need not concern you. Don't let it. Do things in vague terms so they can not find fault. Example: buy a gift card and be done with it. They can pick out what they want, and you have fulfilled your obligation. Of course, some people find anything to complain about!

[Anonymous]

NP here, but I must say this is one of the best advice threads I have seen. I agree with so much. OP I am sorry things aren't working out the way you had hoped. Let go of your expectations and accept what is. You don't have to be best friends. You may not share the same interests and values. Just treat her with respect and remember nothing in life stays exactly the same. Just because you aren't friends now doesn't mean it won't happen, but if she is letting you know by actions she does not want to have a friendship, follow her lead.

Remember dating and the guy who kept pursuing you despite the fact you weren't interested. I know that sort of thing made me really uncomfortable. It's the same with friendships. If she isn't interested in a close relationship right now, let it be. Continue to be nice, but respect her choice. If she wants a friendship in the future, let her take the lead and initiate something.

[Anonymous]

OP, playing devil's advocate here, but maybe it is just as well? Maybe she is jealous of you or the picture she has painted of you. Maybe she is too closed minded to do anything but judge. Of course she is not going to admit this. She might not want another female vying for her mothers love. She may deep down really have a problem with this. Its not on you at all, you tried. If she can't reciprocate, its on her. There is only so much you can do for some people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my SILs and their families and I are night and day. MIL makes it worse by her blatant favoritism. We have bent over backward, now we are done. We have our own family to worry about, and frankly no one is worrying about us. We have only ourselves to rely on. After all we have done for them, the ILs have made it abundantly clear that they are not interested in showing any form of thanks. So we are moving onward. The children are becoming old enough to form their own opinions without any input (either way) from us, which is fine. They made their choice, now they will have to live with it, it is out of our hands. You need to decide what is best for you. They are who they are. Unfortunately, this might include selfish and self absorbed. So be it. It need not concern you. Don't let it. Do things in vague terms so they can not find fault. Example: buy a gift card and be done with it. They can pick out what they want, and you have fulfilled your obligation. Of course, some people find anything to complain about!

is your side of the family or any of your inlaws local? if so, do any of them have kids and what's been your approach in that regard? wondering if you've had to deal with questions from your kids about why they see some cousins more than others? (maybe your kids aren't old enough to really question that yet?)

how long did you and DH try before finally deciding you are done? trying to get some perspective...

[Anonymous]

Accept people for who they are.

No one is going to handle things in life in the same manner as you. Let go of the judgement and you'll be much happier.

[Anonymous]

22:03 - PP here. Young children know favoritism without saying a word. They hear "so and so does this and that" but don't hear "(our children) do this and that" - which happen to be significant. Which is fine, I get we are proud parents, but frankly I can not WAIT to brag about my grandchildren. Each and every one of them!

I get it, MIL doesn't want the others to feel inadequate (she did it with DH too) - but some acknowledgement is in order. Be reasonable. To spend so much more of your time on anything but your own grandchildren (regardless of which side) speaks volumes about you as a grandparent. You would rather do (irrelevant activity here) than see your young grandkids? Really? Wow, you must have been a great mom! Sarcasm.

Come to think of it, MIL should be shouting from the rooftops. Eh, enthusiasm (or any emotion) is lost on some people. Not your problem.

Once you decide it is not your problem, you have succeeded.