Different view on the in-law angst
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Anonymous
| After spending a painful weekend with my inlaws (who in full disclosure really aren't bad people) I had an epiphany. They bring out my worst qualities. I can't help it as much as I try and work to be cognizant of my behavior it is like they highlight all of my bad qualities. I tried this weekend. I really, really tried, but I just don't like these people. I would never choose to spend time with them in a million years. I know they feel the same about me. It would help if my husband enjoyed their company. |
Anonymous
I had a similiar epiphany about my in-laws. they bring out the worst in my husband  I've turned into the mediator between my MIL and my husband.
My in-laws are great. I feel like I won the in-law lottery. They have their quirks, but I have my own set of quirks. They wouldn't be my "first choice" on who I wnat to hang out with, but as far as in-laws go, they are great. My two complaints for this past weekend - both minor: 1. She cleans up everything IMMEDIATELY. Even when there is no mess. Which meant my freshly poured cup of coffee got dumped since I left it on the island and wasn't right next to it (I was 3 feet away tending to toddler). 2. When I asked if I could throw in a load of laundry, she proceeding to give me a lesson on how to operate a washing machine. Put in perspective, we've been going up to their place for holidays for 6 years, and we always do a load or two of clothes. She obviously thinks I don't do laundry the "right" way... All in all, she's great. |
Anonymous
| I am at the point where I love my in laws and had the epiphany about my own family. I can't stand my mother/stepfather. |
Anonymous
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I had my epiphany a few years ago: The source of friction with MIL is our ongoing contest: Who is in Charge at DIL's House: DIL, or the Self-Appointed Family Matriarch?
We both have strong personalities, and it is highly unlikely that any winner of this contest will ever be declared. |
Anonymous
| I have to admit that my inlaws are really good people. Our conflict stems from the fact that my MIL and FIL see themselves as the center of our family life. I, however, feel like at 40 my DH and I should have our own holidays/traditions that are centered on the family that we are building. I imagine that my MIL felt the same at my age (or actually younger since she had kids a decade before me.) It is just the circle of life. |
Anonymous
| I would probably not choose my ILs, but you learn to choose your battles. We have nothing in common. They don't go out of their way for us, so we don't go out of our way for them. |
Anonymous
| Me too. And I don't know why. I'm so much bitchier to them than I am to anyone else. Or at least I'm inclined to be bitchier, so I'm always monitoring my behavior and bending over backwards to be extra-nice, which ends up coming out awkward. |
Anonymous
Okay so I am just going right down the line of these posts and can identify with nearly all of them. Wow. I think I am at my WORST when I'm around my MIL and sometimes my SIL. It doesn't help that I love my FIL, so it feels almost like a bitchy to women thing (but it's not - at least I genuinely don't think so). I've said this before, I think my biggest issue with my in-laws is that my husband's weird quirks, that are just weird quirks when it is just him, become almost amplified when he, his mom, and his sister are all exhibiting the same weird quirk at the same time. The other issue I have with my in-laws is also a DH issue, really. He let them make so many decisions for him, that now that we're a family, they still tend to operate as though he's still a single guy or worse, still a teenager under their roof and he kind of rolls into obedient mode when they are together and I start to slowly lose my ever-loving shit. Anyway, every time we see them, I tell myself I'm not going to be such a damn bitch. But then MIL says something off, and I just flip the invisible bitch switch and there you go. And like PP, I also bend over backwards to disguise it but I'm sure it is as obvious to me as it is when MIL does this. In my meager defense, I wasn't always this way. I tried to reach out to MIL, to do things together with her, etc, but she didn't show any interest at all. For her part, she did some really nice things for me early on that got a bit waylaid in my irritation over how controlling she can be. I think we've both made some good faith efforts and now we kind of have a gentleman's agreement to fake it. Maybe this thread will inspire me to really, really do a better job trying to connect with her. I might make a spin off thread - basically, if you have a MIL you don't have much in common with, how did you bridge the gap and not just tolerate her but like her? My stepmom has her hands full with my grandma, for instance, but stepmom really thinks of her as a second mom. Like, yes, she's crazy and bitchy, but loves her fiercely. I don't love my MIL fiercely; I'm not even sure, if I were honest, that I love her at all, but I'd like to. |
Anonymous
| My FIL has been telling DH that he needs to do something about my relationship wih his wife. Right. As soon as she stops nagging my 7 year old to tears every time they visit. |
Anonymous
| Remember your words when you become the in-laws. Chances are good you'll have the same problems with your DIL and SIL. You aren't perfect and they aren't perfect. Once you accept this, particularly the fact that YOU aren;t perfect, you will have an easier time. |
Anonymous
This is 21:06. I know. I do try to keep this in mind. The thing that' so odd is that my MIL says all the time how she HATES her MIL (and she does, DH's family rarely goes to that side's events or celebrations and when they go, MIL always skips out). I think she genuinely intended to not let the pattern repeat with her daughter in law, but here we are. And I don't want to be that MIL to my kids, either. One thing, no matter how much I sometimes dislike my MIL, I vow not to ever, ever, ever block her from spending time with us. I suck it up each and every time. I wish I could do better than that, though, and actually learn to enjoy her. PP above, are you speaking from experience? If so, how did you bridge the gap, and did you ever actually come to enjoy your MIL / DIL? As opposed to just tolerate them? I envy both people who naturally just "love" their MIls and people who have worked on it and gotten there. I am trying, but boy, I'm not getting very far. It makes me feel very angry with myself. I want to do better than this. |
Anonymous
| My sister's FIL just verbally and physically attacked her over the Thanksgiving holiday. In front of her two children, 5 and 3, the 5 year old bawling and the 3 year old throwing up from the whole ordeal. All of this because she said she has weird cleanliness issues around bathrooms "because I'm a girl and girls are just weirder about it than guys." He went OFF on her, like I said both physically and verbally, called her a terrible mother, said he's fired people like her, said she insulted him and the male gender by calling men gross, blah blah blah. He's an asshole and mentally ill, and for the reason above, I love my in-laws. You take what you can get and hope that you don't wind up with a true asshole like my sister wound up with. Count your blessings. If you're just annoyed, be annoyed, but count your blessings. |
Anonymous
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I love this thread and I love all of you for giving voice to *exactly* what I feel about my in-laws. I like them, they are certainly nice people (wow, 22:00, that's an awful story - your poor sister!), but they are just not my kind of people. They are obese and they smoke, and they just aren't very active/healthy people, which drives me batty. For example: this past weekend we had my parents and in-laws visiting us, along with my brother and SIL (whom I adore) and their 18mo son (who is the same age as my daughter) -- remember how gorgeous the weather was? -- so of course we walked with the toddlers over to the neighborhood playground, and my ILs stayed home watching car racing on TV. Poor DH stayed with them so they didn't feel left out. This kind of thing happens all the time. I try not to let it bother me -- it's not like they're going out of their way to be rude, and in fact they are very polite people -- but of course it bothers me. I feel like such a snob when I'm around them, which sucks. And to the PP who said she's not sure she honestly loves her ILs -- I am right there with you.
I, too, would love to hear from others who have managed to go from tolerating their ILs to genuinely enjoying their company, or at least striking a happy medium... |
Anonymous
So true! |
Anonymous
This is me, this is me, this is me. (Except for the smoking part.) In-laws are truly nice people but we have so little in common, with every "lifestyle" issue you can think of. After 10 years of marriage, and a lot of bumps along the way, I have gotten to the point that I actually enjoy the company of some of them. But it's hard. Here is my advice: Take them one-on-one, as much as possible. It's harder when you lump them into a group. Spend some time really talking to them. My MIL and I had a lovely, very meaningful chat this weekend about what her life was like growing up on a farm 65 years ago. It really was interesting. Try to engage them on slightly deeper subjects, if you dare to go there -- religion, politics, human dynamics. You may just discover some similarities you didn't know you had. |