Different view on the in-law angst

[Anonymous]

My MIL also brings out the worst in DH and then, mostly because of that tension, in me. I do my best, but the most I can manage is civil around her, not genuinely warm. By the end of the visit I am always smiling through clenched teeth, no matter how hard I work at not having that grimace. She's also an eye-roller, so it's hard not to pick up that bad habit when we're there!

[Anonymous]

i think OP is spot-on for me, as well. they just bring out my worst qualities. i find it hard to be nice and giving at all. and when i do try, i worry that i sound fake - "Mil, how do you make this chicken dish? could you tell me or write it down so i can try it at home?" (she uses a ton of processed crap and i try really hard to feed our family organic and fresh food, so i'm sure she sees me mentally rolling my eyes as she says "mix one packet of onion soup mix with one jar of ragu tomato sauce and make sure you buy a can of fried onions to put on top").

we weer with the ILs over the weekend and i ended up with so much pain in my neck and shoulders - i think i was sitting with my back clenched the entire time. sigh.

funny thing is, i thought that when you get married to someone you love, that you would love their family, too and that they would love you back. my first gift to my mil (after we got engaged and i went to stay with them for a long wknd) was a philosophy bath gift set that i thought was pretty special (i was young; 26 and a medical resident, making not much money at all). I remember her looking at it and saying "hm." and then putting it away and never opening it up. and my dh and SIL pointed out to me that she buys "very expensive stuff and doesn't need anything from you" (uh... gifts are not about need, but about giving). she's responded to all my varied gifts through the years in the same way. very disappointing.

[Anonymous]

I hate my inlaws. I wish we could just never see them again but DH is too chicken to disown them. They are the only thing we fight about. I literally wish they did not exist. FML.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After spending a painful weekend with my inlaws (who in full disclosure really aren't bad people) I had an epiphany. They bring out my worst qualities. I can't help it as much as I try and work to be cognizant of my behavior it is like they highlight all of my bad qualities. I tried this weekend. I really, really tried, but I just don't like these people. I would never choose to spend time with them in a million years. I know they feel the same about me. It would help if my husband enjoyed their company.

Oh you said it all!! They bring out the worst in me too. I have been telling my DH this for years. Unfortunately my DH adores his parents, and thinks I am the ridiculous one.

[Anonymous]

The thing about my inlaws is that they don't live in the same world as me. They are wealthy (net worth of several million dollars) but because they are not wealthy as some of their friends, they consider themselves lower income and talk all the time about how poor they are. My MIL will commiserate with me about my poor childhood (I'm talking WIC and getting the lights turned off) and it is so strange. Sometimes I want to scream at them, PEOPLE WHO ARE LOW INCOME DON'T SPEND CHRISTMAS IN PARIS!!! Or get new living room furniture every year! But my goal is not to change their minds, it's to be able to coexist with them without wanting to kill them. So I try to see the world through their eyes and that helps with the feeling like I am in a funhouse and the floor is tilting.

It doesn't help with the obnoxiousness, but limiting the time I spend with them helps that.

[Anonymous]

I love my in-laws. They are great parents and super-great grandparents. However, my MIL is SOOOOOO passive-aggressive. I know she wishes I would include her on every shopping trip or call her about some random thing that the kids have done. But, I'm not the type. My mom and I don't even have that kind of relationship! I enjoy talking to her but it's hard to hide the fact that I don't care what her neighbors are doing or what Oprah is doing, etc... I try to bring dishes to family dinners and they get brushed aside. I try to clean the kitchen after she cooks but I get told I'm just the "cleanest person she knows" because I rinse dishes before I put them in the dishwasher. I use too many paper towels and apparently don't know how to fold laundry. She doesn't tell me this, of course, she just makes "helpful" remarks. Then, when I appear frustrated, she wonders why I get upset so easily. UGH! Oh well, I put my foot down this year and we are spending Christmas at our own home. YAY!!!

[Anonymous]

I get the PP who says we should all realize we're imperfect and that's right, of course. But my in-laws are unkind and not loving. I don't see any way around that.

[Anonymous]

My epiphany with my ILs was when I realized my FIL has a screaming case of Borderline Personality Disorder. This enabled us to utilize the proper coping mechanisms, and to pity and respect my MIL for having to live with him. Huge change.

I often wonder what they think of me. Different religion, different ethnicity, different nationality, pregnant when we got married, not a working professional...basically an embarrassment to them in every way.

But I've produced beautiful grandchildren who love them, including four strapping grandsons, whom they brag about to their grandchildren-less friends, so maybe that makes me OK? A glorified servant?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow. It makes me feel so much better realize other women are feeling the exact same way. Huge relief.

[Anonymous]

Think of it this way: "Everybody Loves Raymond." Your mother-in-law is Marie Barrone and Frank is your FIL. They live across the street from you; Marie is always there, comes in without knockingtc, e, bashes you at every opportunity. This is In-Law hell.

Spending a few hours with them a couple of times a year is easy if you think of how bad it could be!

[Anonymous]

PP, being "not perfect" is a hell of a lot different than finding fault at every turn because the person that married into the family does not subscribe to your terribleness (is that a word?). Anyway, sometimes there is only so much you can take. If you are not at that point yet, or you have decent ILs, be grateful and do not judge the people who have to put up with needless crap from their own ILs.

[Anonymous]

My problem is that though I can objectively step back from the situation and suppose that they are reasonably nice people, I cannot stand my inlaws. Both FIL and MIL for different reasons, though my dislike for FIL is not nearly as strong as for MIL. She was openly, aggressively nasty to me for a long time early on in our relationship, and only really stopped when DH really stood up for me and kind of drew a line in the sand. She gave a very generic apology then, via email, and expects that the slate is wiped clean and that now I should have no reason not to like her. They live very far away and we have very little interaction because of that. We don't communicate at all, ever, unless we are physically in one another's presence. I really need to figure out how to fake it and at least be civil. It is helpful to hear that there are so many others in the same boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate my inlaws. I wish we could just never see them again but DH is too chicken to disown them. They are the only thing we fight about. I literally wish they did not exist. FML.

Are you my wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love this thread and I love all of you for giving voice to *exactly* what I feel about my in-laws. I like them, they are certainly nice people (wow, 22:00, that's an awful story - your poor sister!), but they are just not my kind of people. They are obese and they smoke, and they just aren't very active/healthy people, which drives me batty. For example: this past weekend we had my parents and in-laws visiting us, along with my brother and SIL (whom I adore) and their 18mo son (who is the same age as my daughter) -- remember how gorgeous the weather was? -- so of course we walked with the toddlers over to the neighborhood playground, and my ILs stayed home watching car racing on TV. Poor DH stayed with them so they didn't feel left out. This kind of thing happens all the time. I try not to let it bother me -- it's not like they're going out of their way to be rude, and in fact they are very polite people -- but of course it bothers me. I feel like such a snob when I'm around them, which sucks. And to the PP who said she's not sure she honestly loves her ILs -- I am right there with you.

I, too, would love to hear from others who have managed to go from tolerating their ILs to genuinely enjoying their company, or at least striking a happy medium...

This is me, this is me, this is me. (Except for the smoking part.) In-laws are truly nice people but we have so little in common, with every "lifestyle" issue you can think of. After 10 years of marriage, and a lot of bumps along the way, I have gotten to the point that I actually enjoy the company of some of them. But it's hard. Here is my advice: Take them one-on-one, as much as possible. It's harder when you lump them into a group. Spend some time really talking to them. My MIL and I had a lovely, very meaningful chat this weekend about what her life was like growing up on a farm 65 years ago. It really was interesting. Try to engage them on slightly deeper subjects, if you dare to go there -- religion, politics, human dynamics. You may just discover some similarities you didn't know you had.

Going to see my in-laws in 2 weeks for an early Christmas. I'm going to spend some time asking my MIL about her family growing up, siblings, moves, etc. It is hard to draw her out, but maybe this will get her going and help us bond? Thanks for the seemingly obvious idea that I never thought of.

I think it is really nice how many people are at least really trying to be nicer to the people in our lives with whom we find it difficult to connect. My parents are HUGE pains in the butts and my husband is genuinely loving and kind to them all of the time. He's nicer to my parents than I am, draws them out, makes them feel special. I wish I could return the favor better with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate my inlaws. I wish we could just never see them again but DH is too chicken to disown them. They are the only thing we fight about. I literally wish they did not exist. FML.

This is me, to a t.