Thanksgiving issue - would you be bothered by this or am I being too sensitive?

[Anonymous]

Every year we go to a few family homes for T-giving and Christmas. Everyone always pitches in and brings a dish so as not to overwhelm the host. Since DH and I have been married, my MIL has always either told me not to bring anything, or when I insist, she says to bring soda!

At first I was okay with this because we were young, childless and I was fine with just showing up with a few liters of coke. But as the years go by, I realize that while everyone else is part of the event by preparing, bringing a dish, coordinating, etc. I'm the ONLY one that is treated more like a guest than a family member. Over the last few years, I've tried:

1. Bringing a side dish anyway - result - my MIL and SIL wouldn't touch it, and others would take a little bit and eventually, MIL would tell me to take it home (while other leftovers were split up for everyone to take a little bit home)

2. Asked to bring something more/to make something - MIL responded with an email to DH to have me bring a plant for the centerpiece (and upon more pushing - added for me to bring coffee)

So, now the holidays are here again and DH got the email asking us to bring coffee.

I feel like I am being purposefully excluded and being treated like the only guest with 10 hosts and it's just to the point where I'm trying to make the effort to be part of DHs family, they are completely resisting. For background, MIL and I never had the best relationship but we got over it and have become polite and nice to each other. We welcome each other over, make nice conversation when we get together, do nice things for each other. It's all superficial in a way, but it's a nice solid polite place. I know this kind of goes along with it, but I'm jsut starting to get more hurt that I can't be part of the family in this way during the holidays.

[Anonymous]

I'd be happy to not have to cook anything. Coffee sounds excellent to me.

[Anonymous]

I'd be thrilled to be asked to bring simple things. Do you cook in a different style than your ILs?

[Anonymous]

Is it possible you're a really bad cook and that's why no one ate your food? Or do you think it's the entire family working together to exclude you?

If it's the latter and I were in your shoes, I'd have my husband broach the topic with his mother. He can kindly explain the issue to her. He can let her know that it makes him unhappy when his his wife is not made to feel part of the family celebration, and he wouldn't be comfortable with continuing to visit if an effort can't be made to be more inclusive.

[Anonymous]

I'd be hurt so I get it. I'd probably work on a dish that would be a major crowd pleaser....but this group sounds tough. Sorry to be harsh, but maybe she doesn't like your cooking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: If it's the latter and I were in your shoes, I'd have my husband broach the topic with his mother. He can kindly explain the issue to her. He can let her know that it makes him unhappy when his his wife is not made to feel part of the family celebration, and he wouldn't be comfortable with continuing to visit if an effort can't be made to be more inclusive.

I agree with all of this except the bolded. No reason to go for the nuclear option over this.

[Anonymous]

I'd bring coffee and a dessert that travels well. (I'm thinking red velvet cake, but something that you think everyone would like.) Then you can say you wanted to bring something to go along with the coffee.

[Anonymous]

I would also have hurt feelings but it sounds like we have similar MIL relationships so I can't offer you an unbiased opinion.

[Anonymous]

I say let this go. it could be her way of getting a little barb in and it could be hurtful but it doesn't have to be. Bring what you are asked and enjoy yourself and be glad you don't have to cook. Continually trying to insert yourself where they have made it clear you aren't wanted isn't going to make you feel better or them want you more.

In my own family - my mother makes a special feast for a certain holiday meal - if someone wants to bring something on her list, great. My SIL decides instead to bring two totally different dishes that 'don't go' with my mother's meal. There are plated on large platters and take up half the table meaning my mother has to leave half her stuff off. My mother won't eat SILs food out of being hurt feeling that SIL is trying to one up her and change my mother's tradition. In my opinion they are both kind of ridiculous but it adds unnecessary drama. If my SIL could just do as she was asked (seeing as it is at my mother's house) or bring nothing everything would be great. Instead we have this yearly tension over food platters.

[Anonymous]

This just makes me glad my ILs live further away. At least yours are superficially polite. That is worth keeping.

[Anonymous]

I would be bothered. I like to cook and I wouldn't want to be excluded. But, you can't control your MILs actions you can only control how you respond (I apologize for channeling Dr. Phil). Find a way to feel good about this, even if it feels fake at first. Maybe channel the energy that you would have spent making a dish for MIL's Thanksgiving into something that will make you feel good. Put together a T-Day basket and donate it to a charity. Make some frozen meals for someone you know who is going through a hard time.

[Anonymous]

OP - do you have pets? Maybe they are grossed out (irrationally) by your pets' hair getting in the food.

We have potlucks and some people lick their fingers like CRAZY - and I would rather eat a cockroach than their food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible you're a really bad cook and that's why no one ate your food? Or do you think it's the entire family working together to exclude you?

If it's the latter and I were in your shoes, I'd have my husband broach the topic with his mother. He can kindly explain the issue to her. He can let her know that it makes him unhappy when his his wife is not made to feel part of the family celebration, and he wouldn't be comfortable with continuing to visit if an effort can't be made to be more inclusive.

It's probably this. Even if you are a good cook, it may be different than what they are accustomed to.

And I agree with the second part of the post too.

[Anonymous]

I'd be bothered, OP. Have your husband talk to his mom. Thanksgiving is a holiday where people want to share in the preparations and contribute. And/or you and your husband could make something together and let everyone know it's a joint effort. That way if they reject it they're rejecting it from both of you. (I also wondered if you are a bad cook, but they could still be more gracious!) In the end, though, you might just have to let it go. If you have kids some day and still go to your mil for the holiday, then at least you, your husband, and your kids will enjoy whatever you make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If it's the latter and I were in your shoes, I'd have my husband broach the topic with his mother. He can kindly explain the issue to her. He can let her know that it makes him unhappy when his his wife is not made to feel part of the family celebration, and he wouldn't be comfortable with continuing to visit if an effort can't be made to be more inclusive.

I agree with all of this except the bolded. No reason to go for the nuclear option over this.

Totally agree with the PP - have your husband talk to his mom, but don't "go nuclear." Coffee and a centerpiece sounds like a great option, anyway.