Thanksgiving issue - would you be bothered by this or am I being too sensitive?

[Anonymous]

Two possible explanations:

1. They don't like your cooking or something that might reflect badly on food that come from your house.
2. They don't like you and is just being polite.

I think it more likley the former since it would take a conspiracy of epic porportions for everyone to avoid your food bc they dislike you.

How is the cleanliness of your house, especially the kitchen. How are your cooking habits, do you taste with a spoon and stick it back in the pot?

[Anonymous]

I find it very odd that, if you go ahead and bring a dish anyway, they won't eat it. To me, this is very rude. They may not want you to bring things. But, if you violate this request, they should eat (no matter how mad they are at you for bringing)

The only time this has happened to me was when I prepared a reception for a student of mine who is kosher. Even though I bought the food from a kosher deli, his family would not eat it.

Just out of curiosity, what did you bring?

[Anonymous]

Personally, I'd be bothered by this. I'm a good cook and I like to makes dishes, new and old, for the holidays. So never being able to eat my own cooking on the holidays, year after year after year, would be frustrating.

[Anonymous]

I have been a part of cooking groups for parties and work events. Some things that I have noticed along the years is that it is often requested that someone bring sodas, drinks, or packaged foods if their cooking is not great or if they have hygiene issues. For example, there is a lady that was someone who picked her nose openly and picked at her skin breakouts during normal conservation settings, when she brought food noone touched it, for future gatherings, she was assigned to bring soda and chips. The other two times someone was assigned chips was one person never covered their mouth when coughing and they had a chronic cough that lingered. Another person let her cats crawl on the counters at her house and fur would always linger on her tupperware, she was assigned soda and chips.

OP, How is your home setting? Do you have pets, pest issues, or smoke? How are you and your husband with cleanliness and hygiene? Are you sick frequently?

[Anonymous]

I would leave this alone. If this is the worst she throws at you, be grateful. It does sound like she doesn't truly want you as part of the family over a period of many years. As long as she's otherwise polite, again, leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

OP - Wow everyone, You all gave me some really great feedback. THANK YOU!

Regarding me being a bad cook - LOL this could very well be it - but I've thought about it and even offered to bring a green salad (you really can't mess that up) and come to think of it, everyone does take a serving of my food when I force myself in and bring it (except MIL and her daughter, SIL) and the issue isn't so much whether everyone eats it or not, more the process when we're putting everything away, MIL would just give me my dish with all the leftovers and say "you take this home for you and the kids" and take the rest of the leftovers and divide them up for everyone to get a little bit of everything for each family - not sure if that makes sense.

Regarding my house - that is an excellent point! We used to have a dog and I know my MIL thinks my house is usually not up to her level. BUT, my DH is a SAHD and her opinion on the house is basically about her son, not necessarily me. So, I'm not sure, but this is a really good point.

The issue isn't so much the food or eating it, it's more feeling left out - I'll try to briefly explain. Everyone shows up. the women basically hang in the kitchen either heating or preparing the dishes they brought and it's a social bonding thing. The My DH and his brother take this time to catch up and get their special brother-bonding time while they watch and play with the kids. And I'm left just kind of sitting by myself. When I try going to the kitchen to "help" they ALWAYS say, we have everything under control, go and relax and enjoy yourself.

So, it's more the social part - I honestly wouldn't be offended if they didn't eat my food - but more about coming and preparing.

Oh, and to the poster that suggested the dessert - It's a good idea, but that's one of the things that's already been assigned to someone - It's sort of her specialty and she takes real pride in her pies. I don't want to insult her by bringing another dessert.

Thanks everyone for your input - I actually think that it might be the messy house thing and I never thought about that. For those that suggested that - what do you suggest I do? If they have the impression that I'm (or my DH) is a slob, anything I can do at this point to change their minds? They don't come over often (actually, I can't remmber the last time they came to our house) and when they did - when we have gatherings, we DO hire a housecleaner before the party, so they've seen our spotless house.

[Anonymous]

OP, could you maybe bring an appetizer like cheese and crackers? I understand not wanting to bring dessert if that is someone else's territory. I am the pie maker in our family (its sort of my "thing" that I took over after my aunt died and I take great pride in continuing her tradition). I make two different pies and even still, people always bring or make another dessert and we end up with 5 desserts. And I end up taking half of each pie back home with me. Annoying, so I appreciate that you are being considerate of that!

And I also understand not wanting to bring a main dish if it will just go to waste.

Maybe you could bring muffins for breakfast the following morning so that your MIL has something easy to serve for breakfast after working so hard the day before. And if she throws them away the next day, so be it.....at least you tried to contribute something thoughtful.

Sounds like your MIL and SIL have deeper issues that I think your husband needs to address. I can understand why you are insulted but I think its something more than just not liking your cooking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Wow everyone, You all gave me some really great feedback. THANK YOU!

Regarding me being a bad cook - LOL this could very well be it - but I've thought about it and even offered to bring a green salad (you really can't mess that up) and come to think of it, everyone does take a serving of my food when I force myself in and bring it (except MIL and her daughter, SIL) and the issue isn't so much whether everyone eats it or not, more the process when we're putting everything away, MIL would just give me my dish with all the leftovers and say "you take this home for you and the kids" and take the rest of the leftovers and divide them up for everyone to get a little bit of everything for each family - not sure if that makes sense.

Regarding my house - that is an excellent point! We used to have a dog and I know my MIL thinks my house is usually not up to her level. BUT, my DH is a SAHD and her opinion on the house is basically about her son, not necessarily me. So, I'm not sure, but this is a really good point.

The issue isn't so much the food or eating it, it's more feeling left out - I'll try to briefly explain. Everyone shows up. the women basically hang in the kitchen either heating or preparing the dishes they brought and it's a social bonding thing. The My DH and his brother take this time to catch up and get their special brother-bonding time while they watch and play with the kids. And I'm left just kind of sitting by myself. When I try going to the kitchen to "help" they ALWAYS say, we have everything under control, go and relax and enjoy yourself. So, it's more the social part - I honestly wouldn't be offended if they didn't eat my food - but more about coming and preparing.

Oh, and to the poster that suggested the dessert - It's a good idea, but that's one of the things that's already been assigned to someone - It's sort of her specialty and she takes real pride in her pies. I don't want to insult her by bringing another dessert.

Thanks everyone for your input - I actually think that it might be the messy house thing and I never thought about that. For those that suggested that - what do you suggest I do? If they have the impression that I'm (or my DH) is a slob, anything I can do at this point to change their minds? They don't come over often (actually, I can't remmber the last time they came to our house) and when they did - when we have gatherings, we DO hire a housecleaner before the party, so they've seen our spotless house.

I am one of the posters that mentioned the messy house, but this would bug me. I think that your DH should intervene on yuor behalf. If they cant include you then I woudl stop going. Does the gathering inlcude other DILs. Its seems odd that you would be singled out. Are you from a different background. Maybe your MIL is still not over the rocky start that your had.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry that they exclude you socially. You're a trouper that you keep showing up. If you could wrangle a friend with no other plans to attend, would MIL care if you brought her along? I'm just a stranger on the internet, but I hate thinking of you sitting around along with no one to talk to. Maybe just bring a really great book that you have been wanting to read and take advantage of the downtime?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Wow everyone, You all gave me some really great feedback. THANK YOU!

Regarding me being a bad cook - LOL this could very well be it - but I've thought about it and even offered to bring a green salad (you really can't mess that up) and come to think of it, everyone does take a serving of my food when I force myself in and bring it (except MIL and her daughter, SIL) and the issue isn't so much whether everyone eats it or not, more the process when we're putting everything away, MIL would just give me my dish with all the leftovers and say "you take this home for you and the kids" and take the rest of the leftovers and divide them up for everyone to get a little bit of everything for each family - not sure if that makes sense.

Regarding my house - that is an excellent point! We used to have a dog and I know my MIL thinks my house is usually not up to her level. BUT, my DH is a SAHD and her opinion on the house is basically about her son, not necessarily me. So, I'm not sure, but this is a really good point.

The issue isn't so much the food or eating it, it's more feeling left out - I'll try to briefly explain. Everyone shows up. the women basically hang in the kitchen either heating or preparing the dishes they brought and it's a social bonding thing. The My DH and his brother take this time to catch up and get their special brother-bonding time while they watch and play with the kids. And I'm left just kind of sitting by myself. When I try going to the kitchen to "help" they ALWAYS say, we have everything under control, go and relax and enjoy yourself.

So, it's more the social part - I honestly wouldn't be offended if they didn't eat my food - but more about coming and preparing.

Oh, and to the poster that suggested the dessert - It's a good idea, but that's one of the things that's already been assigned to someone - It's sort of her specialty and she takes real pride in her pies. I don't want to insult her by bringing another dessert.

Thanks everyone for your input - I actually think that it might be the messy house thing and I never thought about that. For those that suggested that - what do you suggest I do? If they have the impression that I'm (or my DH) is a slob, anything I can do at this point to change their minds? They don't come over often (actually, I can't remmber the last time they came to our house) and when they did - when we have gatherings, we DO hire a housecleaner before the party, so they've seen our spotless house.

Take a day to overhaul your house. Clear off tables, sweep, vaccuum floors. Set aside maybe one weekend a month or one day every other week to deep clean your home but keep up with day to day throwing away garbage and putting away clutter. This can help you to feel less overwhelmed by the messiness that accumulates. Do you have more issues with clutter or general grime accumulation? Which rooms are the hardest for you or dirtiest? Start there and work your way to the cleanest.

I would say it is never too late to change your habits and make your home cleaner. Invite them over once you get the hang of upkeep.

Honestly, if I had a relative who changed their home around, I would not be afraid or concerned to taste or eat their food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: If it's the latter and I were in your shoes, I'd have my husband broach the topic with his mother. He can kindly explain the issue to her. He can let her know that it makes him unhappy when his his wife is not made to feel part of the family celebration, and he wouldn't be comfortable with continuing to visit if an effort can't be made to be more inclusive.

I agree with all of this except the bolded. No reason to go for the nuclear option over this.

I get that it's taking it pretty far, but how miserable must the OP be during holidays if her husband's family is purposely rude to her?

If my family couldn't make the effort to include MY family (my spouse) in holiday celebrations, I wouldn't feel right participating.

[Anonymous]

Some follow up questions - how big is the kitchen and how many people are generally in it (excluding you)? I'm just wondering if its a space issue. Could you still socially interact with them (i.e. sit at the breakfast bar) and talk without getting in mix? I would be bothered by it too, but my MIL generally does EVERYTHING herself because no one but her can do it the way she wants. It's annoying, but that's my MIL. For the holidays my family cooks together, his doesn't so I just accept its a different way of doing holiday dinners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some follow up questions - how big is the kitchen and how many people are generally in it (excluding you)? I'm just wondering if its a space issue. Could you still socially interact with them (i.e. sit at the breakfast bar) and talk without getting in mix? I would be bothered by it too, but my MIL generally does EVERYTHING herself because no one but her can do it the way she wants. It's annoying, but that's my MIL. For the holidays my family cooks together, his doesn't so I just accept its a different way of doing holiday dinners.

If MIL just wanted everyone out of the kitchen that would be understandable, but it sounds like she's making it clear that she has room for her daughters, her favorite DIL, her second favorite DIL, all the ladies except the OP, which is just mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - Wow everyone, You all gave me some really great feedback. THANK YOU!

Regarding me being a bad cook - LOL this could very well be it - but I've thought about it and even offered to bring a green salad (you really can't mess that up) and come to think of it, everyone does take a serving of my food when I force myself in and bring it (except MIL and her daughter, SIL) and the issue isn't so much whether everyone eats it or not, more the process when we're putting everything away, MIL would just give me my dish with all the leftovers and say "you take this home for you and the kids" and take the rest of the leftovers and divide them up for everyone to get a little bit of everything for each family - not sure if that makes sense.

Regarding my house - that is an excellent point! We used to have a dog and I know my MIL thinks my house is usually not up to her level. BUT, my DH is a SAHD and her opinion on the house is basically about her son, not necessarily me. So, I'm not sure, but this is a really good point.

The issue isn't so much the food or eating it, it's more feeling left out - I'll try to briefly explain. Everyone shows up. the women basically hang in the kitchen either heating or preparing the dishes they brought and it's a social bonding thing. The My DH and his brother take this time to catch up and get their special brother-bonding time while they watch and play with the kids. And I'm left just kind of sitting by myself. When I try going to the kitchen to "help" they ALWAYS say, we have everything under control, go and relax and enjoy yourself.

So, it's more the social part - I honestly wouldn't be offended if they didn't eat my food - but more about coming and preparing.

Oh, and to the poster that suggested the dessert - It's a good idea, but that's one of the things that's already been assigned to someone - It's sort of her specialty and she takes real pride in her pies. I don't want to insult her by bringing another dessert.

Thanks everyone for your input - I actually think that it might be the messy house thing and I never thought about that. For those that suggested that - what do you suggest I do? If they have the impression that I'm (or my DH) is a slob, anything I can do at this point to change their minds? They don't come over often (actually, I can't remmber the last time they came to our house) and when they did - when we have gatherings, we DO hire a housecleaner before the party, so they've seen our spotless house.

Take a day to overhaul your house. Clear off tables, sweep, vaccuum floors. Set aside maybe one weekend a month or one day every other week to deep clean your home but keep up with day to day throwing away garbage and putting away clutter. This can help you to feel less overwhelmed by the messiness that accumulates. Do you have more issues with clutter or general grime accumulation? Which rooms are the hardest for you or dirtiest? Start there and work your way to the cleanest.

I would say it is never too late to change your habits and make your home cleaner. Invite them over once you get the hang of upkeep.

Honestly, if I had a relative who changed their home around, I would not be afraid or concerned to taste or eat their food.

no way-this is not about food. If it were, OP would be welcomed into the kitchen with the others with whatever she brought. Obviously the ILs don't want anything to do with her and her husband needs to step up. Family is family-how are you going to place conditions on a family member? Why should OP waste time cleaning? it will not resolve anything. If she wants to clean for herself fine but for her ILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some follow up questions - how big is the kitchen and how many people are generally in it (excluding you)? I'm just wondering if its a space issue. Could you still socially interact with them (i.e. sit at the breakfast bar) and talk without getting in mix? I would be bothered by it too, but my MIL generally does EVERYTHING herself because no one but her can do it the way she wants. It's annoying, but that's my MIL. For the holidays my family cooks together, his doesn't so I just accept its a different way of doing holiday dinners.

If MIL just wanted everyone out of the kitchen that would be understandable, but it sounds like she's making it clear that she has room for her daughters, her favorite DIL, her second favorite DIL, all the ladies except the OP, which is just mean.

Ah, I didn't catch that part. Yikes.

On the one hand, its hard to force a relationship through DH and rarely would a request like that turn out well. Are you close to one of your SILs? Could you ask one of them to help 'include' you or at least help you get on better terms with MIL?