Would you not marry someone because you didn't like his parents?

[Anonymous]

I've been dating a great guy for a year and a half and we have been talking lately about getting married and I want to say yes. I love him--but sometimes I think about spending holidays for the next 20-30 years with his mom and start to hyperventilate. I don't even know where to begin in describing the ways in which she has been awful to me except to resort to anecdote but who wants to go into all of that? I'll just say that she's extremely critical of me in almost every way and doesn't hesitate to let me know. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and FMIL(?) is really hard on her, too, in the same way. Any time that we spend time with my family MIL freaks out and ends up causing such a big fuss (calling dozens of times during Christmas dinner and into the night, making veiled threats of harm against herself) that it ruins the day for all of us.

BF stands up for me but isn't willing to cut her out of his life or impose any kind of consequence like that and I don't think there's any way she can change. I love him--but I feel so bad around her that I don't know about tethering myself to her for the rest of my life.

Would you ever consider not marrying a man you loved because his mom/family is nuts?

[Anonymous]

I cannot stand my inlaws. Cannot stand to even be in the same room with them. My MIL in particular was horrible and hateful to me for a long time and now just acts like it never happened. I have a longer memory, I guess. My husband was willing to set (some) boundaries and that went a long way with me. If your boyfriend is willing to work with you some, and you are willing to see his mother once in a while, it can definitely work. Things are strained when it comes to visiting with my inlaws, but they live out of state and we limit the amount of visits with them, so for the majority of time, we are great.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm that's really tough. If you are near her geographically she is going to be a pain, you marry the family you know? But on the other hand, you never know where life will lead. Maybe you guys will move away and be happy forever. Or maybe fiancé will eventually tell her to cut it out or else. I can tell you it's going to be an issue forever. But I think you need to stand up for your dd no matter what. Not to sound crude but this woman may not be around for another 20 years, who knows.
Ultimately, I think if/when he proposes it needs to be part of the discussion. Not really in regards to you, but your daughter for sure

[Anonymous]

yes

[Anonymous]

I did and the marriage is happy, BUT I strongly urge you to get boundaries worked out BEFORE marriage. She was a HUGE stressor for quite a while. Think narcissistic personality disorder or borderline and you'll have some idea of what she is like. Consider pre-marital counseling. You think she's bad now? Wait till you are married and have a baby with him (if you plan to). Boundaries need to be established now and visits to a marriage counselor as needed if the boundaries fall apart.

[Anonymous]

No. If it's bad now, it will just get worse. Run while you can.

[Anonymous]

I have the opposite problem and it has been a huge stress. My huge, overbearing, no-boundary-having, lack of filters family has driven DH to the brink. I mean they are the subject of almost all our fights
some examples of them; "hope your baby isn't as ugly as your brothers baby-geesh" said my dad to DH on the day our DS was born
"Only idiots go there!" said my mom to DH the 1st time they met after she asked him where he went to college.
The list is endless, anyway, I have had to distance them from us and make it known that they could never act like this to my kids, or DH for that matter.
It hasn't been easy...

[Anonymous]

in looking back?

yes

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would. However, I would not marry someone who did not know how to set appropriate boundaries with his parents. (I don't think that has to mean "cut her out of his life, FWIW, but he needs to have your back).

One of the most important things a married couple needs to do is to behave like a team. You are, literally, his other half, so he needs to make it very clear that hurting you hurts him. And hurting your child? Unacceptable. A line should be drawn in the sand, then and there.

For your part, you have to be willing to take the good and the bad. But if your boyfriend can't manage it, you should not become his wife until he learns.

I'm very, very good friends with a man who is an only child and is ready to propose to a long-time girlfriend. My friend's mother is INSANE. I mean, like crazy, crazy, crazy. He was hospitalized once and the girlfriend flew all the way back from Washington state to see him in the hospital and the mom prevented her from going in without ever telling my friend his GF was there. The GF waited it out, went back then next day after her boyfriend had awoken and explicitly told nurses he wanted to see his GF. Mother told the nurses that her son was "out of his mind" and that she wanted to overrule him and continue to bar the girlfriend. When girlfriend was allowed in, the mom confronted her. Told her to "go home - that they did not want "outsiders" there interfering with their family time." and that if she couldn't go home, that I guess she could be there from 8 - 8:30 in the morning.

(BTW, my friend is 33 years old! Not a young man). Anyway, GF stuck it out, and then after my friend recovered, asked him to talk to his mom about how horrible the family treated her and I think my friend was like "yeah, I feel bad for her and all, but what can I do? They're my family." We were like say what???

Your boyfriend needs to learn to manage his family better. There is really no such thing as in-law problems (except when they do something crazy like ignore a restraining order). There are almost always spouse problems.

[Anonymous]

No. The crazy doesn't fall far from the tree. If I had understood/followed the signals about how crazy the in laws are and that my STBX is just as fucking crazy I would be a lot better off. I say this 15 years in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would. However, I would not marry someone who did not know how to set appropriate boundaries with his parents. (I don't think that has to mean "cut her out of his life, FWIW, but he needs to have your back).

One of the most important things a married couple needs to do is to behave like a team. You are, literally, his other half, so he needs to make it very clear that hurting you hurts him. And hurting your child? Unacceptable. A line should be drawn in the sand, then and there.

For your part, you have to be willing to take the good and the bad. But if your boyfriend can't manage it, you should not become his wife until he learns.

I'm very, very good friends with a man who is an only child and is ready to propose to a long-time girlfriend. My friend's mother is INSANE. I mean, like crazy, crazy, crazy. He was hospitalized once and the girlfriend flew all the way back from Washington state to see him in the hospital and the mom prevented her from going in without ever telling my friend his GF was there. The GF waited it out, went back then next day after her boyfriend had awoken and explicitly told nurses he wanted to see his GF. Mother told the nurses that her son was "out of his mind" and that she wanted to overrule him and continue to bar the girlfriend. When girlfriend was allowed in, the mom confronted her. Told her to "go home - that they did not want "outsiders" there interfering with their family time." and that if she couldn't go home, that I guess she could be there from 8 - 8:30 in the morning.

(BTW, my friend is 33 years old! Not a young man). Anyway, GF stuck it out, and then after my friend recovered, asked him to talk to his mom about how horrible the family treated her and I think my friend was like "yeah, I feel bad for her and all, but what can I do? They're my family." We were like say what???

Your boyfriend needs to learn to manage his family better. There is really no such thing as in-law problems (except when they do something crazy like ignore a restraining order). There are almost always spouse problems.

VERY wise advice. I am a PP who married someone with nightmarish parents and it's a good marriage still a decade later, but if he hadn't learned to set boundaries the marriage would have imploded. Before he could do that well every fight was about them and I have a long list of physical ailments I blame them for before DH put the kabosh on their nastiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. If it's bad now, it will just get worse. Run while you can.

This.

[Anonymous]

Tricky situation. I remember Dr. Laura would always advise women to not marry into a family if the MIL/DIL relationship was bad. But who really ever listened to her anyway? I would really think about it, and make sure you set boundaries early on. I would do some pre-marital counseling and focus on how DH will handle MIL issues. Once you are married he should ALWAYS take your side and have your back. It takes a while, but the ILs start to learn that you are a united front and they won't get away with their usual crap. I trained my ILs, and they are very respectful and cautious around me now. It took a year of not returning their phone calls immediately, not jumping up at a moments notice to do them a favor, and not putting up with gossip or negative talk. Pretty soon they were acting like they were worried about upsetting ME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would. However, I would not marry someone who did not know how to set appropriate boundaries with his parents. (I don't think that has to mean "cut her out of his life, FWIW, but he needs to have your back).

One of the most important things a married couple needs to do is to behave like a team. You are, literally, his other half, so he needs to make it very clear that hurting you hurts him. And hurting your child? Unacceptable. A line should be drawn in the sand, then and there.

.... Your boyfriend needs to learn to manage his family better. There is really no such thing as in-law problems (except when they do something crazy like ignore a restraining order). There are almost always spouse problems.

Couldn't say it better. My divorced parents had lots of issues and if I had anything I vowed to do different it was behave like a team with future spouse or not get married if I couldn't find that. Whether it has to do with child rearing, splitting housework, or setting boundaries with families you can't have the other person leaving you hanging, contradicting you, having no spine etc. Most people I know have one spouse with dysfunctional family and the other fairly stable. DH and I joke as to which side we will represent when our kids get married some day.

As for cutting her out of his life, I don't know all the back story but personally it would bother me if someone I was dating cut his mom
out of his life because of me. Now if he sets boundaries and mom goes off in a huff, that's one thing but I like to believe he would always leave the door open for things to get better, but not throw be under the bus so to speak because it is his mother.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Has your BF been married before or had a long-term relationship? How was that? How much has your relationship impacted time spent with his mother? I agree boundaries and teamwork are key. (Not sure what you mean by consequences). Are you thinking of having a child with this man?