Would you not marry someone because you didn't like his parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. If it's bad now, it will just get worse. Run while you can.

ITA. Right now you're in lala-land with BF but when things get tough he will be reminded of all that mama said about the worthless DIL.

[Anonymous]

n looking back?

yes[code]

this.

[Anonymous]

If you are waiting for the perfect in laws then you might be single for a very long time!

[Anonymous]

Yes, I did. Yet I would not marry a man who did not treat me with respect, did not set boundaries or allowed his mother to repeatedly cause drama.

[Anonymous]

My mother used to say, "when you marry, you marry the family". It is generally true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother used to say, "when you marry, you marry the family". It is generally true.

That's not the rule in our family. I come from a very dysfunctional family and set very firm boundaries with them even before DH and I got serious. When you marry, you leave behind your childish things. That should mean establishing your own norms for your new family. Perhaps it's your norm to 'marry the family' but it's not for everyone.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't marry someone who wasn't able to set boundaries protecting me. I definitely wouldn't marry him if he allowed MIL to be abusive toward my daughter. That second item's non-negotiable.

[Anonymous]

"Would you ever consider not marrying a man you loved because his mom/family is nuts?"

Absolutely. Didn't realize this when dating husband #1, but now know while looking for husband #2, how important this is. Kids with a parent with a personality disorder tend to be unhappy as adults and tend to have more problems with their marriages. They also tend to be at much higher risk for having personality disorders themselves. Same with kids who were neglected as children because they had a parent with major depression or other serious psychological issue. I could go on and on. If your BF isn't willing to set boundaries, then he is so far away from dealing with his families issues that I can't see you having a happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

This is so much more important than I realized when I got married. Much like prospective spouse, the ILs are probably on their best behavior at this point. If it is bad now, it is not going to get any better and may very well get a lost worse.

[Anonymous]

Yes. And in fact I married the man I did in large part because I love my ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother used to say, "when you marry, you marry the family". It is generally true.

Don't want to hijack this thread, but found that out the hard way. DH is very close to his family and we live in the same city as them. I hate the place and would leave in a heartbeat but he will never go. So the minute the youngest is out of the house, color me gone. I love him but cannot stand the area.

[Anonymous]

Only one other person has really addressed the fact that they're awful to your DAUGHTER. That's just downright unacceptable. You are a grown-up and can reasonably stand up for yourself. But it's just abusive to intentionally put your daughter in their line of fire.

I'm sure you're a fabulous Mom and it stinks to have to potentially leave a true love to protect your daughter, but there it is. No way around it. I'm sorry for what you're facing.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP. Sorry I did not respond before but things were crazy today. Anyway, some background for those who have asked: no I was never married before but I lived with my daughter's father for 8 years. He's still involved. My FMIL unfortunately lives about 20 minutes away.

And when I say that she is awful to my daughter I don't mean that she is emotionally abusive or anything like that. Just hard on her. Correcting her all the time when no need for correction is there, things like that. Last Christmas eve, FMIL was on her all day about one thing or another and said something like, here's a present, Mary--we got you one even though we didn't have to! My daughter said "Thank you" and FMIL and FFIL both were on her because she wasn't more effusive about her gift. We were over at their house a few nights ago and literally there was a critical remark to me or my daughter every two minutes or so for the hour and a half we were there (about school, attire, appearance, our speech, the amount of food we ate, facial expressions they thought we made, etc). MIL used to be really overtly nasty, but BF put his foot down against that (which naturally caused a huge fight in which she ended up on the floor tearing at her hair and crying). This other stuff is presented as "Oh, I'm so concerned for you" or "I'm just joking!" so that there's really no way to respond without looking like an overreacting fool.

So it's not a huge thing, no, but all the little things add up. I look at the possibility of married life with my BF and think of all the good things we can have: lots of fun, togetherness, kids. But then I also see the weekly Sunday lunch with his parents (which stretches long into the night since she won't let us leave), the drop-ins at our house, and a whole string of holidays, birthdays, and special occasions in which she is trying to control everything and nagging at me and my daughter and I feel so tired.

[Anonymous]

OP, PLEASE do not do that to your child. You are her protector; her interests come before your relationship. The in-laws sound awful and being subject to such constant criticism is a form of abuse. Please think of her and run from this guy and his dysfunctional family. These people raised him; he thinks this is normal.

[Anonymous]

So it's not a huge thing, no, but all the little things add up. I look at the possibility of married life with my BF and think of all the good things we can have: lots of fun, togetherness, kids. But then I also see the weekly Sunday lunch with his parents (which stretches long into the night since she won't let us leave), the drop-ins at our house, and a whole string of holidays, birthdays, and special occasions in which she is trying to control everything and nagging at me and my daughter and I feel so tired.

I think before you decide one way or another you should work to establish the boundaries you think are acceptable. This early in your relationship, it will seem like this isn't a big deal but as the years go by, the effect of your ILs' behavior is cumulative and you and your DD will suffer and/explode. I get angry just listening to your description. How dare they! It's not the comment about 'we got you a present and we didn' have to', it's the constant correction and comments. Not acceptable and I feel sorry that your DD has already been sujected to this. It shows that it's acceptable to treat her this way. Is that a lesson you want her to carry with her to her significant relationships? How will you feel when you witness her DH or ILs do to her what your future ILs are doing?

Perhaps it's just your phrasing but your statement that "she won't let us leave" causes me some concerns as well. It doesn't sound as if you, yourself, are comfortable setting boundaries. If your BF doesn't want to leave, he can return after he drops you off at home. Under no circumstances should you all her to control you or nag you. I know you really want this to work with your BF but it will only get worse until this IL situation is resolved. I know how exhausting this is as I've been through it myself. The PP is correct that your BF thinks of this as 'normal'. What a shame. Don't let it become your DD's norm.